Motherhood is many things. It is hard, and it is rewarding. It is exhausting, and it is enlightening. It is messy, and it is full of endless surprises. But despite all of its different sides, there are also universal truths of motherhood. If you’re already a mom, I’m sure many of these will ring true. If you are soon to be, here’s a friendly heads-up.
1. No matter how much you love your kids, there will be times when they annoy the living shit out of you.
2. By the time you get everyone settled for dinner, yours will be cold, and they will be done.
3. You will no longer have any shred of personal dignity or any semblance of privacy. Although you probably already know this as you too may have pooped yourself in front of total strangers once while you pushed a human out your vagina.
4. Any quiet time you get will only occur during screen time, which you will spend feeling guilty about letting them have screen time.
5. If you choose to use glitter in your home, you have made a lifetime commitment. There will now almost certainly be glitter either on you or your dependents at any given time.
6. There will never be a time where there is no laundry left to wash.
7. This also holds true for your home. There will never be a time when every room is clean at the same time.
8. You will lose friends. But you will also make friends. If you are socially awkward, you will finally have things to talk about with strangers.
9. Any extra money you have will go straight to your children. I hope you like your clothing. I am still wearing underwear from college.
10. Sleeping in is a phenomenon left behind in your 20s. Welcome to 6 a.m., ladies.
11. No matter how wonderful your husband is as a father, he will never do as much as you. You will always do more. The sooner you accept this, the the sooner you will stop wanting to kill him.
12. Just because you managed to potty train your children does not mean you’re done wiping asses. That will likely last until age 5, maybe 6. I wouldn’t know. I’m still wiping ass.
13. Every day is sort of like the last. Eat, sleep, mom, repeat.
14. You will grow to hate the sound of your own name, and the word “why,” and “no,” and “snack.”
15. You will become your mother. You’ll start saying things, like, “If you want to talk to me, come find me,” which drove me crazy as a child because I always suspected she could hear me. Turns out, I was right.
16. You will spend an ungodly amount of time preparing food, just to throw it down the garbage disposal.
17. You will find yourself holding trash and other strange objects and have no idea how they got there.
18. You will say cliché things, like, “Where does the time go?” because really, time flies by and there’s no stopping it.
19. You will one day look at your 5-year-old and forget what she was like as a baby. Take lots of pictures and videos.
20. You will scream. As much as you like to think you’re a good parent and you got it all figured out, you will scream. And then you will cry about it.
21. You will feel like a success. You will feel like a failure. You’ll feel like running away. And you’ll feel like never letting them go. Probably all on same day.
22. You will learn to answer questions that have no answers, like, “Why is that a truck?” or “When did the air start?”
23. You will love more than you knew you could. You will also develop anxieties you never knew existed.
24. You will have to address topics you dread with no advance warning, like when your kids ask when you’re going to die. My older one asked this for the first time while I was going from entrance ramp to highway. Seriously.
25. You will develop a true and deep affection for both coffee and wine.
26. You’ll lecture them on the dangers of too much sugar, then eat all their Halloween candy after they go to bed. Don’t feel bad — I’m pretty sure your parents did it to you.
27. You will learn that a hangover while watching children is sheer torture. You’ll soon realize that it probably isn’t worth three hours of alcoholic haze.
28. Public tantrums are inevitable. Put a smile on your face and own that shit.
29. You will find boogers in places where boogers should not be.
30. At some point, you’re gonna have to catch some vomit in your bare hands. Spoiler alert: It won’t be yours.
No one ever said motherhood was easy, but it sure is an experience. When you want to scream, laugh, cry, or hug, or when you’re feeling all alone, just remember, we’re all out there in the trenches with you.