Two Minute Meditation For B*tches Who Don't Meditate

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
Image via SOML/Facebook

This is our kind of meditation, bitches

“Hi, I’m Kelsey. A bitch that doesn’t know how to meditate. Despite my blonde hair and vagina, I don’t know dick about yoga. I’m not good at exercise, but you know what I am good at? Freaking the fuck out about every little stress life throws my way.”

OMG. Us, too!

Kelsey is the yogi we’ve all been waiting for. This Buzzfeed video is going viral, and it’s clear why. We can’t fucking meditate. Nobody can fucking meditate. It’s one of life’s biggest jokes. Mindfulness is impossible to achieve. We just saved you a gazillion dollars on self-help books and boring downloads. Your mind never quiets. Ever.

“The first thing about meditation is that I don’t know anything about it, but it is true what those motherfuckers say — It’s all about your breathing. So let’s do it.”

“So just follow along with me and take two breaths, in through your nose — and out through your big ass mouth.”

Guess what? This is just as effective as any of those mindfulness mediation videos you’ve been trying to follow along with on YouTube. It is! It’s all about the breathing. It’s all about taking a moment for ourselves. So what if we’re laughing and possibly reaching for a bottle of wine. It’s the thought (or lack of) that counts.

“Remember that you are right here, right now, giving your body a quick break — which is what it needs.”


This is our kind of meditation, bitches.

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