The average baby will go through 2,000 to 3,000 diapers before they turn 1 year old, and as a parent, you’ll probably be changing most of them. Many diaper changes will be quick and easy, your routine becoming so smooth and stealthy that a NASCAR pit crew would be impressed. But you can’t get too confident. Because in the end, the diaper always wins. Here’s just a few of the types of diapers parents recognize all too well.
1. The Phantom Poop Diaper
There are smells coming from your child’s bottom half that are worse than the one time you went to that vegan restaurant. You’re so frightened of what awaits you that you and your partner actually argue over whose turn it is to change the baby, finally resorting to a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide. And when you lose (stupid scissors!) you stomp your feet in what can only be described as a mini-temper tantrum. But when you gingerly open your baby’s diaper, you find — nothing. The diaper is as clean as fresh fallen snow. You close up shop quickly, because you don’t want to be at ground zero when disaster strikes, and then you gleefully tell your partner that it’s their turn next time.
2. The Golden Shower
You think babies peeing on their parents is a tired gag only seen in ’80s movies and sitcoms starring John Stamos, until the first time it happens to you. And while gasping is the natural reaction, opening your mouth is the last thing you should be doing right now. If you’re smart enough to change the baby on the floor, you can run away until the spray has come down to a more manageable dribble. But if you’re changing the baby on a high surface like a changing table and need to keep a hand on them, better start to bob and weave.
3. The Waste of a Diaper
There are some gnarly smells coming from your baby, and being a veteran butt changer, you know what to do. You gather your troops (changing pad, spare diaper, wipes, Triple Paste, an extra set of clothes in case things go south, the blue bunny to keep the baby distracted and a super-sized bottle of hand sanitizer). You even say a prayer before going in. But when you open the diaper there’s only a single, tiny pebble of poop, left out like a diamond on display at the museum.
Now comes the hard decision. Do you throw out the poop with a wipe and save the diaper? These suckers don’t grow on trees. Or do you waste the diaper by changing it completely? Can you close it up and pretend you didn’t see anything?
4. The Unexpected Stink Bomb
The first few months of parenting are pretty much just freaking out over the fact that you’re responsible for the care of another life when you can’t even manage to floss every day. But after a while you start to find your parenting groove. Pretty soon you can predict your baby’s nap times, when they’ll want to eat, and usually, when they’re most likely to need a fresh diaper. But once in a while the baby will have a diaper blowout when you least expect it. If you’re lucky, it will be when you’ve just grabbed the keys but before you leave the house. If you’re not, well, one day your child will love to hear the story of how you once changed him on the side of the road using nothing but receipts and old fast food napkins as wipes, Survivor style.
5. The Burn the House Down Diaper
Sometimes you change the diaper, and sometimes the diaper changes you. There are those diapers that are so vile, so foul that you don’t change them, you survive them. The ones where you finally get the baby clean and dressed and look around to find the room looks like something out of a horror movie, only everything’s brown instead of red. Honestly, moving might be easier than trying to deal with the clean-up. You’ve been wanting a bigger house anyway.