Parenting is weird. In order to fit in around my house of circus freaks, I have ended up doing some bizarro stuff that would have made a younger version of myself say, “Please get me out of this cuckoo clock.”
But we do these things because they are fun or maybe because we are so sleep-deprived that taking children out to dinner in public when they aren’t even enjoyable to dine with in our own home sounds like a great idea. And then we lose.
Here are just a few of the weird things I have done as a parent:
1. Purchased these items for my children all by myself and not under any duress: A sling-shot, glitter pens, Play-Doh, a plastic sword, a rainbow loom, legos and stickers.
2. Held a toy elephant over the sink and pretended like it was peeing after I told my daughter her stuffy could not sit on the toilet.
3. Encouraged my children to assert their opinions. (Um, why?)
4. Sang the wrong lyrics to songs and danced like the trained monkey that I am to get my kid to do something that they didn’t feel like doing, like …”Let it go! Let it go! Let that poop come o-o-out!”
5. Given a three-year-old person gum. On purpose.
6. Been so tired that I have frantically searched around the house for my phone… only to then realize that I am actually talking on it.
7. Accidentally tucked in one of my daughter’s stuffed animals once… leading to 100 more things to do before she goes to sleep.
8. Lied to my daughter and said that the mushroom she was eating was chicken and then on the inside I laughed and laughed because she ate it and SHE LIKED IT. HAHAHAHAHA.
9. Been so impressed with the size of one of my child’s poop that I invited my spouse to come in and look at it. More than once.
10. In a moment of weakness, told my children they could pick out whatever they wanted in the book store. Because Hell is paved with a child’s indecision.
11. We have encouraged our children to be independent and now they think they can do everything by themselves and they are doing it ALL WRONG.
12. Given another person a suppository. The end.
Related post: The 10 Dumbest Things I’ve Said to My Toddlers