What Keeps Me Up at Night (and It's Not My Bladder)
I have a headache. Can you have a headache while you’re sleeping or did that just happen?
Why don’t I need to pee right now? There’s something wrong with me. I’m probably dehydrated.
Make doctor’s appointment. Just a check-up. How often do I need a check up?
I’m too tired to be awake.
I wish they’d send a reminder.
All the things you do to me and everything you said…
I’ll take English Electronica Bands From the ’80s for $400 please Alex.
She always does that thing with the non-sequiturs. I thought she was talking about her Native American history project, but then she was talking about the house elf in the Harry Potter books.
I don’t get it.
I should get up and do something. Isn’t that what they say, don’t fight it? Be awake if you’re awake.
I’m too tired to be awake.
Should I invite them to the bat mitzvah? They won’t come, will they? They won’t, but they’ll be pissed if they don’t get an invite. What if they come? The list is already so long and oh my God I can’t believe how much this is going to cost.
I need a job. One with a steady paycheck and benefits. Like vacation.
I don’t want that kind of job. I like my job. I mean jobs.
I need a job description. If I had a job description then I could have real office hours: The Mother Is In.
Ha. I’m so funny.
I just can’t get enough, I just can’t get enough…
When is she going to wake up and come in here? Because I know she will. She’s done it for two nights in a row. Three’s the magic number.
Why do people say that? What’s so great about three?
No point trying to sleep when she’s only going to wake me up again. Maybe that’s why I’m awake. I’m preemptively awake. I’m like Israel: always ready.
Why am I always the one?
I can’t believe I’ve seen Kim Kardashian totally naked. I can’t unsee it. That’s a real thing.
Indy or Han Solo?
Harrison Ford is the same age as my dad.
Come on already.
If she’s a narcissist it’s probably my fault. Twelve years of praise has ruined her. Thanks for telling me now, experts.
I’m not a narcissist, am I? Oh my God, what if I’m a narcissist? If you’re a narcissist, do you know you’re a narcissist?
Mail the mortgage check.
I just can’t get enough…
I have to get seven hours of sleep or I won’t make it tomorrow.
Yes I will. Think positive. Power of positive thinking. Going to my happy place. Surfin’ the wave.
Can you meditate yourself to sleep?
Facebook hates me. Maybe no one really likes me.
I feel a kinda high. Probably the dehydration and exhaustion.
She probably thinks I’m a stalker, but I just really like what she’s saying and I want her to know I like it. Liking is nice. Maybe I “like” too much.
Facebook hates me.
Maybe no one really likes me.
I wish Carol and Daryl would kiss or something.
Here she comes.
You’re like an angel and you give me your love and I just can’t seem to get enough.
I’m probably screwing up the sleep thing for her, but I’m not getting up to put her back to bed.
She won’t be three forever.
Just can’t get enough.
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