What the Experts Say vs. What I Hear

What I hear: …before breakfast

What they say: “Never go to bed mad”

What I hear: …at yourself. You can be mad at him, he was probably being an asshole.

What they say: “Eat 5 fruits and vegetables daily”

What I hear: …as a family. Let’s not be gluttons.

What they say: “When one door closes…”

What I hear: …there’s probably a kid on the other side asking for something.

What they say: “Dance like nobody is watching”

What I hear: …unless it’s Bradley Cooper, then do a sexy dance.

What they say: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

What I hear: …or makes your wine habit stronger.

What they say: “Today is the first day of the rest of your Life..”

What I hear: …time Channel marathon.

What they say: “5 Second Rule”

What I hear: …It’s fine for your child to eat something off the floor 5 seconds after he spots it, no matter how long it’s been there.

What they say: “Happy wife, happy….”

What I hear: …midlife crisis.

What they say: “Eat organic”

What I hear: …as in things that naturally appear in your pantry, like Cheetos and Nutella.

What they say: “Get 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise per day”

What I hear: …or move the decimal over one place and get 3.0 minutes per day.

What they say: “Life is like a box of chocolates”

What I hear: …messy, melted chocolate on the floor of the minivan.

What they say: “Don’t sweat the small stuff”

What I hear: …only. Sweat the big stuff and the small stuff simultaneously. Usually at 3 a.m.

What they say: “Take the road less traveled”

What I hear: …and then hide there. Bring a pillow, maybe you can nap.

What they say: “Always get at least 8 hours of sleep”

What I hear: …per week.

What they say: “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

What I hear: …and don’t forget the vodka.

What they say: “Choose your battles”

What I hear: …only pick the ones you can win, and then fight like a mofo.

What they say: “Drink eight 8-oz. glasses of water each day”

What I hear: …and then calculate how often you pee and report it as a fraction using principles of common core math.

What they say: “40 is fabulous”

What I hear: …compared to 80.

What they say: “Go big or go home”

What I hear: …so definitely go big, because it’s loud and messy at home.