What You Need To Survive A Typical Day Of Parenting Small Children

We had our second kid almost a year ago.

Having a baby around, after being five-plus years removed from that part of the process, required some quick relearning of some forgotten skills.

Thankfully, it was a bit like riding a bike. Riding a shit-stained bike through an obstacle course of crumbs, toys, and instantly outgrown onesies while totally exhausted to the point of hallucination, but a bike nonetheless. So far, we’ve managed.

Being responsible for a 6-year-old and a baby means you’ve got to basically be ready for anything at all times. Sure, the 6-year-old can fend for himself until it’s homework time. Or bedtime. Or bath time. Or get ready for school time. Or meal time. And the baby can fend for himself just about never. So it’s all hands on deck at all times with these two.

But there are some tricks I’ve learned, some wisdom I’ve accrued throughout this experience that’s helped me survive. Basically, I’ve figured out exactly what I need to make it through a day, not including the obvious stuff your kids need, like diapers, wipes, clothes, snacks, etc. That’s for them.

This list is for me — and for you.

The the things I need to survive a day of parenting…

– ALL THE CAFFEINE IN THE WORLD

– Aspirin – Xanax? (No shame. Seriously.) – Marijuana? – A flask – A solid nap (for the kids) – A solid nap (for me) – A little peace and quiet – I’ll just take quiet – Just give me a muzzle – ALL THE PAPER TOWELS IN THE WORLD – Five minutes to myself to shower – Five minutes to myself to poop – Five minutes to myself to cry – Five minutes to myself naked while getting a root canal — I don’t even care, just so long as my kids aren’t crawling on me and asking for things! – ALL THE ASPIRIN IN THE WORLD – My phone – No more… – laundry – A pillow to lie on – A pillow to scream into – The tiniest bit of cooperation – Some breathing room – For it to be their bedtime already – For it to be my bedtime already – A LITTLE GODDAMN HELP FROM MY SPOUSE FOR ONCE

There you have it, all you need to survive a typical day of parenting small children. Whatever you do, don’t forget the paper towels. Or the muzzle.