10 Times When Calories Don't Count

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

I convince myself of many things I know not to be true. The slippers I actually wear out in public really aren’t meant to be worn outside and my black stretchy yoga pants really aren’t all that flattering. Evan really should be totally potty trained and my singing voice really isn’t music to anyone’s ears. But, I’m totally capable of convincing myself otherwise. A master, actually.

And then there are those pesky things called calories. I have successfully convinced myself that on certain occasions, calories just don’t count.

My ass, however, begs to differ…

1. Finishing kids meals. Ingesting fractions of food once belonging to your offspring simply counteracts the nourishment you passed onto them for 9 months while they lived inside of you. Ask any OB. It’s true.

2. Your Birthdays. It’s the one day a year that’s all about you and only you and is not a day to be deprived of anything. It’s, like, a law.

3. Other people’s Birthdays. It’s the one day a year that’s all about them and only them, and nobody should eat birthday cake alone. You are simply preforming a public service. Bravo!

4. When you’re sick. You could be dying— the common cold can kill, you know. Would you want your last meal to be a salad? Plus, lettuce is not nearly as soothing as, say, an enormous plate of spaghetti and meatballs. And, you are supposed to feed a cold.

5. When Working. If you scarf down a sandwich while slaving away on the computer, it’s considered a work expense and everyone knows work expenses don’t count– it’s all deductible, of course.

6. Sympathy eating. If a dear one is suffering through a break-up, job loss or a case of the blues set on by swimsuit shopping, it is your duty to drown your sorrows in a pound of fudge alongside her. How can something so selfless be held against you?

7. Road trips. If the car speed surpasses 60 miles an hour for two or more hours, calories simply evaporate. You know that noise that happens when the windows are open on the highway? That’s the fat being extracted from the car. It’s scientific!

8. Airplane rides. There is something about being thousands of feet in the air that prevents calories from actually being absorbed. Don’t ask me how it works, I’m still in awe that planes fly. But, it’s true.

9. Religious Holidays. If God didn’t want you to enjoy Cadbury Cream Eggs or Manischewitz Macaroons, why would they exist? Consuming them is the next best thing to repenting in a place of worship. One cannot be penalized for that.

10. The day before starting a diet. Obviously.

This article was originally published on