While I’m still here dry swallowing a birth control pill mid-panic attack in the pharmacy drive-thru, my wonderful friend and her husband welcomed their second beautiful child into the world.
Since my 2-year-old is a walking, talking contraceptive, I plan on using their baby to satisfy my baby hunger. It’s awesome.
I get my fix then if she cries or poops or throws up or something I just hand her back and go home. Talk about friends with benefits.
But I’ve gotta give it to my friend, having a newborn and a toddler is some hardcore shit, man.
Any mom who has a kid under four years old and decides to have another kid should immediately receive a prize at the time of delivery. These moms are freakin’ warriors.
Yet, oftentimes, people have this misconception about second time moms — that since they’ve survived one newborn they can survive them all. Listen, this may not be her first rodeo, but it sure as hell isn’t the same bull — and the first bull is still bucking.
So before you get all excited to pay a visit to your friend and her new baby, remember that she requires the same courtesies that were given with her first child.
Here are some Dos” & “Don’ts for visiting a new mom who just had her second baby.
WHAT TO DO
These apply to any mom, whether she just had her first kid or her seventeenth. These are the ground rules of baby/mom visitation:
DO text when you’re on your way and when you’ve arrived.
Phone calls, doorbells, and knocking are prohibited. If a dog barks or the toddler gets woken up from his nap, it’s your neck. Use the technology our Lord Steve Jobs gave unto us and try to be as quiet as possible.
DO expect cancelled visits and don’t be a jerk about it.
Sometimes as moms we need to be alone in our chaos. Maybe the toddler is having a day and having company is the last thing anybody needs. Don’t take it personal. Keep in touch with her and reschedule for another time.
DO wash your hands immediately and frequently.
As soon as you walk in the door head straight for the sink or hand sanitizer, you filthy animal.
DO bring coffee and/or food.
We all know parents must resort to copious amounts of caffeine to survive. But but make sure there’s plenty for the breastfeeding/pumping mother who suddenly has the appetite of a teenage boy. Bonus points for bringing enough food for the husband and other child(ren).
DO offer to fold laundry, do chores, or run errands.
She may have just shoved an entire human being out of her vagina or had a person removed from her abdomen. So just fold the laundry and do the dishes. Unless you’ve done something cooler this week than BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, the chores, errands and miscellaneous life tasks are your responsibility now.
DO entertain the toddler.
There are A LOT of things toddlers require…I mean A LOT. But attention and interaction is what they crave most. While Mom and Dad are adjusting to the new roommate, take time to interact with the older child. Even if it means watching the “Baby Shark” video 26 times or losing eight rounds of Connect Four to a person who still poops his pants and can’t even count to four. The interaction will do both the parents and the toddler a lot of good.
WHAT NOT TO DO
Here you go. Laid right out in front of ya. Now you have no excuse to be a Level 10 Douchebag.
The following are examples of douchebaggery you want to avoid:
DO NOT leave your house if you’re sick.
Just a reminder that TINY BABES have little to NO DEFENSE against your NASTY ASS COLD that YOU contracted after not washing your GRIMY HANDS after you bowled with DAMN NEAR EVERY BOWLING BALL at the bowling alley because you were looking for the “perfect fit” then followed up by INGESTING 2 HOT DOGS with those same GERM INFESTED MITTS.
Sorry Grandma, next time wash your hands after bowling league.
Until then, we’ll just FaceTime you.
DON’T kiss other people’s babies.
When you go to your friends house, do you go around kissing everyone? Do you just go kissing the husband, or the preteens, or the dog, or Grandma (Unless your like my family who literally kisses everyone, but that’s a whole other issue)? No, you don’t. So leave the baby alone, ya creep!
STOP staring at her boobs.
Don’t worry, your friend didn’t get a botched boob job. But it’s definitely going to look like it. Going in for a hug will feel like Cady Heron hugging Regina George’s mom in “Mean Girls.” Leave her poor giant, hard, engorged, leaky boobs alone. There’s a 98% chance she’s gonna whip ‘em out anyway and be like, “Damn, look at how bonkers my tits are right now.”
So until then, you are not to gawk, touch, or question the boobs. Just be ready with the ice packs.
DEFINITELY DON’T tell her how tired she looks.
“No. Really? What gave it away?”
“The purple circles under my bloodshot eyes?
“Or is it the way my sentences trail off into ineligible mumbles?”
“Are you also seeing these hallucinations or is that just me?”
She knows she looks like shit. No need to remind her.
DO NOT ask how the baby is sleeping.
What kind of question is that. Seriously.
If you’re that low on things to talk about, that’s your cue to go.
“But just to be clear the baby sleeps like A CONFUSED, NOCTURNAL PTERODACTYL and the toddler suddenly decided to stop napping and somehow I’ve lost COMPLETE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE. Thanks for asking though.”
Just because someone successfully gets through one newborn stage doesn’t make the next one any easier. Be graceful, be helpful, be patient, and be present.