Last weekend, during Chadwick Boseman’s hosting stint on “Saturday Night Live,” he performed in a “Black Jeopardy” sketch as his Black Panther character T’Challa. In the sketch, typical Jeopardy! categories are replaces with ones like, “Aw Hell Naw,” “Girl, Bye,” and as always “White People.”
Without giving away too much of the sketch, while T’Challa struggles in most of the categories, when he selects the category “White People” and is prompted with a question about Karen — a white friend bringing her homemade potato salad to a black barbecue — he makes the connection to the commonly-held belief that white people don’t cook the same way black people do. T’Challa notes that Karen would likely under season her food or add something strange, like raisins. Seriously, we’ve seen what you’ve done to things like cornbread and macaroni and cheese.
T’Challa’s realization had me thinking of other things that might fit into the category of “white people” on SNL’s ever-popular “Black Jeopardy” sketch. Not bad things like racism, of course, but simple things that are generally harmless and more a matter of personal/cultural preference. Like drinking white wine from a juice box during your kid’s soccer game, for example.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of the things on this list, but when you think of them, you can only ever picture a white person doing it. Now, before you read any further, please know that this list is meant to be a joke. So unclench your buttcheeks there, Brenda, it’s not that serious. I don’t hate white people — I just think a lot of the shit you guys are into is hilarious.
So, if you don’t have a sense of humor, just stop reading now.
Seriously, look in one of those LL Bean catalogs, nothing but white people. Sweating messes with black women’s edges.
Some will argue that this is a millennial thing, but it’s a white millennial thing. Only white people will spend 12 dollars on toast.
Y’all just love being crammed in a car for days on end, visiting places like Death Valley and the World’s Largest Ball of Twine and eating at every Cracker Barrel along the way.
I mean, I’m always down for Cracker Barrel though.
Only white people would use cloth toilet paper, claiming to be saving the environment. It’s like when Sheryl Crow said she used two squares of toilet paper to wipe after a poo. That’s bullshit…literally.
This I know from personal experience, since I used to be a receptionist at one. White women love to sip a mimosa while someone blows out their hair.
These are the whitest fucking sunglasses on the face of the earth, second only to aviators.
Get out the flower crowns, it’s time for Coachella or SXSW or whatever other ridiculous concert in a large outdoor space you can find.
Okay, confession time, I actually fucking love these boots. I live in Southern California, and I’m still buying a pair when they come to Target. But they remind me of traipsing through a field in England with my Corgi, which is soooo white. And every white lady with an Instagram has a picture of herself modeling these, while clutching a Starbucks cup.
Tied in to road trips, only white people would sleep in a tent on the ground, go fishing, and eat their dinner over a campfire with no indoor plumbing.
Merely existing is an extreme sport for black people, so we’re definitely not jumping over cliffs attached to just a piece of fiberglass.
I have white friends who sell leggings, lipgloss, essential oils. You name it, white women are selling it. I even like some of it, but have you ever seen black people in any of the advertising. No. Why? Because, that’s not our thing.
Dressing Up Your Pets
This also applies to dressing up like your pet.
I mean, I love me some froyo, but it’s so white.
Hip Hop Line Dancing
There are no words…
Yes, I know #notallwhitepeople. I already said that! So, don’t clog up the comment section with your “I’m white, and I don’t like any of this!” It’s just the observations of a black woman (and I love some of the things on the list myself) with a ton of white friends who have a penchant for nonsense. Don’t take everything so personally, Diane, that’s peak white people.