Ladies, we are pretty fucking gross.
In fact, men get the bum end of the stick when it comes to the debate over which sex is more disgusting in our habits.
Sure, men sweat like pigs and can smell like a water buffalo’s ass after a pick-up game of basketball, but I’m here to tell you, gals, that we are not sweet smelling delicate flowers most of the time.
Some (all?) of our gross habits might make us worse than men in the disgusting AF category.
And I’m sure many of you will clutch your pearls and insist that your clothes are always freshly washed and your vag never has that not-so-fresh smell.
But we all know you are lying. Because we are just as gross as the rest of you so you may as well cop to being guilty of at least one or two on this list:
Not Washing Your Bra Pretty Much Ever
Admit it: you can’t remember the last time the bra you are wearing right now made it to the washing machine. And it’s understandable, too. We all have that go-to bra that makes our ta-tas look fabulous in any outfit and we don’t want to wait until we get around to doing laundry to wear it again.
Skipping The Toothbrush Routine Before Bed
Whether we are stumbling in from a late night gab sesh with our besties or we are passing out from exhaustion because the toddler ran us ragged, we’ve all skipped brushing our pearly whites before bed. So, if you are reading this with breath that could kill a rhinoceros, we understand. Now, go brush your teeth before we puke. Yes, seriously, Halitosis Girl.
Same Goes For Flossing Twice A Day.
If you can look me in the eye and tell me you floss twice a day and never miss flossing, I’ll give you a lifetime supply of sugar-free candy, you dental dynamo lying liar pants.
Not Washing Your Jeans. Or Yoga Pants. Or Favorite T-Shirt More Than Once a Month.
It can take weeks for a pair of jeans to feel just right. And when you put your favorite denim in the wash, all of that comfy stretch gets blown to hell. And I don’t know about you, but I’m like a kid waiting for her baby blanket when my best pair of yoga pants (read: ones without holes in the crotch) are in the laundry so I’m selective about how often I part with them.
No judgment if you are part of the Commando Cooter Brigade, but, girl, wash your jeans more often if you are. Because vaginas can be leaky sometimes. And smelly.
Using Your Phone While On The Toilet
So. Gross. Seriously, ick. Do we really need to respond to texts while peeing? The answer is no. But we all do it, and it’s just plain disgusting. #bathroomselfie
Pulling Hairs Out of Weird Places, Like Your Butt
Is there anything more satisfying than pulling that rogue hair that has no plausible explanation as to how it got there out of your butt? I think not. And you are lying if you say this has never happened to you. #dontyoudarelie
Two Words: Cramp Diarrhea
When I mentioned cramp diarrhea to a friend, she was appalled because she didn’t think the leaky deuces that come with cramps are a real thing. I’m here to tell you that cramp diarrhea is a thing and I can’t be the only one who evacuates most of her colon once a month when Aunt Flow shows up. Also? It’s gross AF.
Popping Shit On Our Faces
Whether it’s on our face or someone else’s, women love to pop pimples and pretty much anything that oozes pus. There are entire YouTube channels dedicated to our fascination with watching yellow goop ooze from anywhere on our body. We are gross, ladies.
Farts That Escape from The Front
Women can rip farts like the best of them, trust me. But, when we push a fart out and it bubbles up the front of our panties? Well, let’s just say that’s a special kind of magic only we ladies can conjure.
Using Makeup Long After the Expiration Date
Ladies, it’s time to replace the mascara you bought in 2005. Seriously, it’s time. Go ahead and get yourself a new set of cosmetic brushes, too. And you should probably get a new blush too. Treat yourself.
Peeing in The Shower
Moms multitask. It’s what we do. And, sometimes the shower is the only place we can pee alone so quit with your judgment, okay?
Using Disposable Razors — Permanently
Along with replacing our makeup, we should probably get around to replacing our disposable razors. Or, we could just skip shaving our legs and pubes and save the hassle. #genius
Not Washing Your Hands After Peeing
Come on, ladies, this is just gross, but we’ve all done it in a rush. And don’t give me the “but the toilet paper was barely wet” excuse. You touched the toilet, you need to wash your hands. Enough said.
Eating The Food That Falls Into Our Bras
Mom bras are a smorgasbord of delights, especially in the evening as we are getting our wine and snack on. And if you say you’ve never eaten a morsel that’s fallen into your cleavage, you are lying 100%.
I could go on and on. Seriously, ladies. Get your shit together. Literally. Because we are embarrassing ourselves. Either that or our “give a fucks” ran out years ago. Either way, it’s time to admit to ourselves that we are pretty damn gross in our daily lives and we should probably take stock of our disgusting habits.
And I’ll get started on cleaning up my act right after I finish snacking on the popcorn that fell into my bra. It’s a sin to waste food, you know.