Women Scare Off Attempted Robber By Throwing Dildos At His Face

by Valerie Williams
Image via ABC13

Flying dildos tossed by employee scare off would-be robber

Two women working at San Bernadino sex shop Lotions and Lace found themselves fighting off an armed robber this past Wednesday night. Their weapon of choice to ward him off? Dildos. Yes, actual dildos.

And the video footage must be seen to be believed.

According to ABC 7, intrepid adult store employee Amy and an unnamed co-worker stopped this bumbling idiot in his tracks using pretend wieners. She recounts their tale of bravery and total weirdness, as it appears the “gun” the yet-to-be-apprehended robber was waving around wasn’t even real. Which proves fake penis trumps fake gun. Every damn time.

Amy explains in voice-over as the security footage of the ordeal plays that when she first saw the guy, she thought he was joking. “With the gun, he walked in. I just thought he was trying to be funny, to scare us,” she said. “But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don’t have time for this.”

The video shows Amy yelling at the would-be burglar, and at one point, being grabbed by him, as her co-worker’s wheels start turning. And then, the dicks begin to fly with the woman firing fake wangs at this chump like god damn ninja stars. It’s a sight to behold, as the pitiful dude runs off after taking a few dongs to the face. As the dildo tosser explains to the news station, “They’ve got some weight on them.”

And we can only pray to every God that this douche-canoe has some dick-shaped bruises on his forehead as the result of his dumbassery.

When asked if she was scared he might shoot her, Amy tells ABC13, “No. I was just really irritated that he had the nerve to come into the store that I’m to watch and manage and try to pull this.” The unnamed employee adds, “I think he was a coward. Coming in and trying to get over on two females and not realizing that were pretty feisty.”

Damn straight. Do not test irritated women who are out of patience and fucks to give. It might end with a literal bag of dicks being tossed at your face.

Amy and her co-worker are total bad asses and we love them. Because most of us would probably poop our pants or run screaming at the sight of a man with a gun, real or fake, and let him have all of that day’s dildo profits from the cash register rather than risk our lives. While we don’t condone fighting off an armed person to save your employer a little cash, we have to admire these women for their heroic dildo battle skills.

Maybe don’t try it at home, but definitely feel free to cheer these amazing women for taking absolutely no shit.