What Women Think On Their Period

by Toni Hammer

Every woman is different. Every reproductive system is different. Hell, every month is different. I have a pretty good idea, though, that this is what most women think while they’re on their period.

Day 0

OMG, I’m going to chop off my husband’s hand if he so much as looks at my mint chocolate truffles. Shit, did I remember to buy ice cream? I’ve got a weird hankering for ice cream. And potato chips. No, salt and vinegar chips. No, barbecue chips. Maybe barbecue ribs. Maybe just all the food. I just suddenly want to eat everything and that’s okay because I work hard and I deserve it and… Oh, look at that puppy on the T.V. He’s so cute and cuddly and… What is Sarah McLachlan doing on the screen? No no no! Stop that song… I’m gonna cry… That’s it. We need a dog. And I need a Kleenex. And some antacids because I am bloated. I should just go to bed. But if my husband touches me I swear I’ll kill him.

Day 1

Oh. Well. Hello, my old friend. Nice of you to stain my underwear this morning. You couldn’t wait until laundry day, could you? Nope. You had to come and smear yourself all over my new underwear that I bought because I wanted to feel cute and sexy. And now I’m just thinking about laundry and stains and I hate you so much, you red mother trucker. Thanks so much for ruining my day. And, well, actually, thanks for making sense of my cravings last night…and my desire to murder my husband. At least I know I’m not crazy. Just hungry. Must. Get. Cheeseburgers.

Day 2

The craaaaaaamps. Oh, the cramps. I’ve been dealing with them for two decades and I swear they just get worse. I need an aspirin or 30. And a heating pad. And a new uterus because I hate this. Ow ow ow ow. Why can’t I get comfortable? How is it possible for one part of my body to cause me so much pain? I need a Lifetime movie and some soup and my mommy.

Day 3

Whoever said exercise was good for relieving cramps can bite me so hard. Every time I jumped or lunged or went into child’s pose, I didn’t feel relaxed. I didn’t feel an endorphin high. I didn’t feel my cramps going away. You know what I felt? A gush of blood leaving my body. That’s what I felt. And I know it’s natural and normal and women have been dealing with it since the dawn of time, but I do not care. It is gross. I’m gross. Everything is gross. I hate everything.

Day 4

Okay…things are better. I think it’s almost over now. I don’t need the pads they give you after delivering a baby anymore, so that’s a plus. I almost feel like wearing jeans again instead of sweatpants and I even washed my hair today. I can do this. It’s not that bad. Of course, I’m not going to tell my husband any of this because I’m not feeling that good. As far as he’s concerned, it’s still a geyser of grossness down there. Too much for his Mr. Man to wade through. Maybe I’ll tell him it’s an extra long time of the month. No, then he’ll tell me to go see the doctor. Although that would get me away from the kids…

Day 5

All right! Just down to a panty liner. See ya later, Aunt Flo. It’s time for you to go. Just one more day and I’m free. Time to break out the sexy underwear again because this girl has her groove back. I wish I could get the hair back that I yanked off with my pad yesterday. I never planned on doing my own waxing but that pad had other plans. But it’s okay. I’m on the tail end and won’t have to deal with this for another month.

Day 6

There ain’t nothing like waking up to a clean and blood-free lady area, let me tell you. Bring on the thongs and white pants just to spite my uterus.

Day 7

Dammit. I thought I was all done?! Guess I’ll throw this pair away…