Parenting

Ten Totally Random Products I Can't Live Without, And Want You To Know About Too

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Scary Mommy and Amazon

I am a connoisseur of many things, and one thing I love to investigate are *new and improved* products. I cannot express the satisfaction I feel when I discover something that does what it claims to—and I get a special sort of gratification when I recommend this marvel to an acquaintance and they admit (over and over, because I make them) that I was spot on.

I present to you my cache of the tried and true:

1. Neosporin Lip Health Overnight Renewal Therapy

via Amazon.com

I gave NLHORT a shot because my go-to lip balm was drying out my kisser and Carmex is so 80’s. The first winter night I tried it, I woke up the next morning with soft, supple Angelina Jolie lips! Of course, I forced a chronically-chapped-lip-y friend to test it. And though it took a few nights, her lips no longer looked like they had hangnails and chalk rubbed into them. Is there a better testimonial than that?!

2. Lunatec Odor-Free Dishcloth

via Amazon.com

Since the day I was conceived, I have searched high and low for a sponge that doesn’t get a familiar and heinous stink within a day or two. Every time that mildewy aroma assaults my nose, I am reminded that I’m failing as a housewife and, moreso, a human being. Lunatec dishcloths came into my life, made me love myself, and even reinvigorated my dish washing fetish. Now, the only scent wafting from my sink is bubbles mixed with crusted-on mac ‘n cheese.

3. O’Keeffe’s Working Hands Hand Cream

via Amazon.com

I bought this little miracle at a hardware store because it was displayed near the checkout, and I have impulse control issues. I was definitely surprised that 1.) It didn’t end up shoved in a drawer somewhere; and, 2.) It works, and it works exceptionally well. For best results, pumice your heels (I try to avoid the cheese grater apparatus after I whittled my big toe down to a nub), and then slather a bit on before bed. Or just go rogue, skip the pumice, and get right to the main event. You can see definite results the next morning—but if you want the enviable heels of a Greek goddess, use O’Keefe’s for a week and behold! (N.B. I’ve never tried the foot version. Out of loyalty, I stick with the green, original hand cream jar.)

4. Dawn Ultra Dishwashing Liquid Soap

via Amazon.com

Back in the day, we all heard ad infinitum how Dawn saved oil-doused sea birds (yes, impressive), but who knew that Dawn Ultra could save us from the soap residue scumming up our shower doors!!?! Just whip this up: 1 part Dawn Ultra + 1 part white vinegar + 1.5 minutes in the microwave. Spray the magical elixir on your shower door, wait five minutes (or longer for grimier glass) and then rinse or easily scour off. Thank me, sincerely and heartily, later!

5. Fels-Naptha Soap

via Amazon.com

I use this handy throwback (it dates back to 1893!) to pretreat recognizable and mystery stains on my family’s entire wardrobe. Just wet the bar til it’s gooey, rub it into the stain (I like to use the denture brush I nipped from my dentist), and then wash. Evidently, there are 7 conventional ways to use Fels-Naptha, but my mom swears that it can also be made into a poultice that will draw the infection out of boils. Use it however you like, no judgement.

6. Body Glide Original Anti-Chafe Balm

via Amazon.com

It doesn’t matter whether you’re S, M, L, or XL — most of us have thighs that meet-and-greet when we walk. It’s affectionately called chub-rub, and it hurts like hell. Is there anyone who wants rug-burn, especially so close to your privates and especially when there’s no rug in sight? I think not. In walks Body Glide and saves the day, week, month, and yes—the inner thighs.

7. Nu Skin Sunright Insta Glow

via Amazon.com

Somebody was hawking this on Facebook. I looked down, saw legs that looked like two raw bratwurst, then decided self-tanner might be a legitimate route to go. After a couple applications my legs weren’t grey anymore. I had a fully-cooked-kielbasa Insta glow! (A single drawback: the consultant called me “hun” after my purchase. Since we’re not in a diner and it’s not 1950, giving me that pet-name is a no-no. It’s a pet peeve. Thankfully, you can buy it on the Internet.)

8. AsaVea Teeth Whitening Pen

via Amazon.com

When I was young and stupid, I imagined I’d always have glossy hair, pristine skin, and a glowing smile. Now that I am 54 and exist in reality, I have decided to narrow in on the teeth. I’m not going for the overly white I-just-got-my-new-dentures look; I just want to look like I haven’t been rubbing coffee grounds on my teeth since 1984. My AsaVea pen helped me reach that modest goal, and now, understandably, we are best friends!

9. Salonpas Lidocaine 4% Pain Relieving Gel Patch

via Amazon.com

I have one of these wonder patches glued to my lower back right now, and I am about an inch from tip-toeing through the tulips! I swear that Salonpas not only works as an analgesic, but it also helps calm whatever spot started out with that niggling twinge. Be aware: Do not confuse the lidocaine version with the less-badass menthol one (which smells so nostalgically of Vicks VapoRub), and don’t rub either in your eyes, or anywhere else, for fun.

10. DrainWig Shower Drain Protectors

via Amazon.com

Lordy, lord! I don’t know how many times I hacked my hair off during Covid, but, like my moustache, it has been growing like crazy. And clogging my drain like crazy. A friend recommended DrainWig (I even like the name!), and now I can finally divert my Liquid Plumber funds towards something fabulous. Like maybe a depilatory or more DrainWigs…?

I’ve seen other Top Ten lists. The difference between theirs and mine? I, personally, am not looking at hinky star ratings to build my fabuloso collection of products. (Don’t even try to tell me, by the way, that 9,468 reviewers couldn’t live without that synthetic boho wrap dress….). I am your lab rat cognoscente who will experiment with any noxious, toxic, abrasive, or skin-stripping agent if it might get me results. So jump right in, my friend, and enjoy the ride!

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