I recently posted on my Facebook page a story describing a pep talk I received from my four-year-old in a gas station restroom while struggling with a bout of diarrhea. She’s basically the Richard Simmons of pooping. I’ve never felt so supported in anything. It burned up the Internet for a week or so, and now if I Google my name along with the world “diarrhea” the results of endless. For those of you that missed it, click here to give it a read.
Like any viral post, there were thousands of comments, most of them from parents who had equally, if not more so, embarrassing moments while using the restroom with children. I don’t know why we parents have to endure taking care of our business with a small-faced audience, but it’s obviously a universal problem. I went through the comments on the post and collected some of the truly tragic examples of where using the restroom with kids didn’t flush easily (see what I did there), and listed them below. Check it out, it’s not only me. Or you! You’re welcome.
1. “My oldest was about 3 or 4 and we were at home, but we had people over when he saw me change a tampon, his response was to run out the door (leaving it wide open) and run down the hall yelling ‘Dad , mom’s pecker fell off and now she’s bleeding.’”
2. “When my daughter was a toddler, I had to pee. Before I could catch her, my daughter darted under the stall, and started clapping and cheering. She’d heard our bathroom neighbor let a fart, and she was determined to let them know how great they were doing. I was horrified, but I think the lady that was having a poo might have been just a smidge more horrified than me.”
3. “And then there was the time my teenager and I went into the bathroom together. She took the stall next to mine (or so I thought) and a few seconds in she lets lose some epic gas… To which I say loudly, “Way to go, Lil!” And I then heard over the top of my praise, “Nice one, mom!” Turns out we weren’t next to each other… Someone was in the stall between her and I.”
4. “When my son was 4, I took him into the ladies room. When he was done, I figured I might as well go too. He’s leaning over and in a sing song voice says, ‘I can see your peeeeenis.’ I answer back in sing song ‘No, you-oo ca-an’t..’ Him: ‘Yes, I can.’ Me “no you can’t, I don’t have one.’ Him, quizzically: ‘Why don’t you have one? Daddy does and it’s REEEAAAL big!’ Many chuckles around us. At the sink, a lady said she bet daddy would feel real proud of my son’s assessment.”
5. “My daughter once was pooping in a big, public bathroom and I was outside the door waiting when all of the sudden we hear, ‘GET OUT OF MY BUTT, BIG POOPY.’ Me and my sister both tried hard not to laugh, but a bunch of people did and I couldn’t refrain.”
6. “My 4-year-old once asked if she thought we might get to meet the lady with the biggest farts ever in the next stall over when she was done going potty.”
7. “My daughter would say don’t push too hard mommy just relax or your brain will explode.”
8. “I was once in a public washroom with a friend, who took her granddaughter into a stall with her. Her granddaughter says, ‘Grandma, why is there hair on your bum?’ I never laughed so hard in my life!”
9. “I have 5 daughters. One time one of them was pooping in a stall, and this older lady pulls on the door and my daughter yells, ‘I’m working on a big one in here. Try the next stall!'”
10. “A lady walked in and I guess she went pee for a long time and my daughter says out loud, ‘WOW, she had to go really really bad. She’s peeing A LOT! Good job, lady!!!'”
11. “My niece was in the stall with her mother… ‘Momma, you pooping or just gassing? Oh, pooping! Nice work!”
12. “Took my young daughter into a men’s room once and she finishes in the stall beside me. I told her to wait but she was determined to complete the job with washing her hands. Next thing I hear is her saying the sinks are really strange. Nooooooo … She’s washing her hands in …. You guessed it … A urinal!”
I’ll be honest, I gag-laughed with most of these. Particularly the last one with the urinal.
But hey, they say parenting is an adventure, right? But they don’t always tell you what the adventure actually looks like, or smells like, or how embarrassing it can really be. So those of you with a little one gazing at your business, eye bright with curiosity, we are all right there with you. In spirit, of course.