I kept thinking that I was touched out because I was breastfeeding. I saw some examples from other moms claiming the same on the internet. But that wasn’t it.
I thought maybe I was touched out from being a stay-at-home mom. Turns out, after starting daycare, that wasn’t the case either.
I thought maybe after the small children years passed, it would come back. And then I remembered we’d started having trouble with intimacy before the kids even arrived.
I thought maybe I was too tired, too hungry, too stressed — I could come up with 100 excuses in 100 seconds as to why I didn’t want to be touched.
No matter what I tried, nothing changed.
It took me 32 years to figure out what TikTok uncovered in a matter of minutes.
I was attracted to women.
Admitting that to myself was hard and then telling my husband was even harder. He has been my best friend for over six years, and for the first time I had what felt like a secret to tell him.
At first, I told him I thought I was bisexual, given the fact that I am married to a man after all, and my track record of only dating men.
He didn’t even flinch — he said that he didn’t want me to go the rest of my life without knowing or experiencing this side of my sexuality. He was open to me trying to have a romantic relationship with another woman. He even helped me set up my on-line dating profiles. We both agreed we didn’t want this to change anything in our home. So we carried on.
I felt a huge sense of relief after telling him, but deep down, my body knew I wasn’t done.
The more I soul searched, the more I realized all the signs that I missed growing up — why all my relationships ended the same way. Once the newness wore off, the sexual chemistry died with the relationship. I thought this just meant the end of the relationship, so I moved on and dated someone else. The cycle continued.
I had to be truly honest with myself: I haven’t wanted to have sex with my husband for years, even before kids, and it wasn’t his fault. I am a lesbian.
My husband being the level-headed supportive human he is, said he should have seen it coming. Our sexual chemistry was never really there, but our friendship always was. We don’t even remotely hate each other. In fact, we still love each other as much as the day we got married. It was never an issue with our friendship, parenting, and teamwork, it was just the intimacy piece of the puzzle that was missing. We both missed all the signs from being busy in our lives, and then having kids was our excuse for the last couple of years.
We decided together that we didn’t want to split up our family, because our home truly is a happy home. We never fight and we enjoy raising our kids together. We divide and conquer the days, then he cooks dinner while I get the kids ready for bed. I grab the milk while he’s dressing them in jammies. It would be hard trying to do it all as a single parent, and we didn’t want to add that stress on us, which would indirectly add the stress onto our children too.
We agreed to live in the house together and continue our parenting roles as best friends and life partners. We went out and bought him a new bedroom set and moved his stuff over to the other side of the house into our office. We figured this made the most sense financially and emotionally for everyone in our family.
This is our immediate family, and I want for him and myself to be the happiest versions of ourselves for our children.
Even coming to this conclusion, after all the dust has settled, I feel a new sense of grounding and happiness in our home. There’s no more pressure on being the perfect spouse but rather we are viewing each other as best friends. Having more openness in communication and transparency about our feelings is a great place to be.
Not to undermine what this means for our children. We are leading by example that it’s never too late to follow your heart and that no matter who they grow up to love, they will always be supported by their parents.
Our children will be accepting of others and non-judgmental of anyone who does things differently because we’ve modeled acceptance and respect in our home, where truly all begins. We’re showing them there is more than one way to be a loving family. That you can overcome big obstacles with love and communication.