Idiot Gives Women Unwanted Fashion Advice, Inspires 'Yoga Pants Parade'

Women organize “Yoga Pants Parade” to protest man who said they shouldn’t wear them

Ladies, grab your torches and pitchforks. We have a battle to fight. And it’s one close to all of our hearts.

There’s a man coming after our right to wear yoga pants. No, this is not a drill.

In the Rhode Island town of Barrington, a man named Alan Sorrentino launched a full-scale assault on yoga pants with a scathing letter to the editor of the Barrington Times. And dude is not holding back.

He writes, “The absolute worst thing to ever happen in women’s fashion is the recent development of yoga pants as daily wear outside the yoga studio.”

Um, sorry Alan, but have you seen ponchos? And hello, the absolute worst thing to ever happen? Pretty sure a lot of men would disagree with you there, bud. Like, really sure.

Self-appointed women’s fashion expert Alan says “not since the mini skirt” has something been worn by so many women “who should never have it on in the first place.”

Holy shit. Someone hold my purse.

“From casual to formal, weddings, funerals, shopping, and even for the workplace, yoga pants are everywhere on women of all ages, usually paired with a blousy top and a pony tail hairdo. What a disaster!”

No, Alan. The word you’re looking for is a delight. And hold up — now he’s coming after blousy tops and ponytail hairdos? He is literally attacking everything we hold dear, this is war.

Then, Alan proves he has more balls than brains with the boldest statement a man has perhaps ever made. He says yoga pants can be “adorable” on young women who have “the benefit of nature’s blessing of youth.” It’s those “mature, adult women” he’s after. He says, “Maybe it’s the unforgiving perspective they provide, inappropriate for general consumption, TMI, or the specter of someone coping poorly with their weight or advancing age that makes yoga pants so weird in public.”

That’s it. I’m taking off my earrings. You’re going down, Alan.

But maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to chase him through the streets screaming obscenities. Alan does have some alternate suggestions for appropriate attire, if us mature women have the wisdom to listen. “A nice pair of tailored slacks, jeans, or anything else would be better than those stinky, tacky, ridiculous looking yoga pants. They do nothing to compliment a woman over 20 years old. In fact, the look is bad. Do yourself a favor, grow up and stop wearing them in public.”

OK, nevermind. Alan is an asshole and deserves the wrath of every woman over 20 years old on the whole planet earth.

After comparing yoga pants in public to men wearing Speedos in public (um, no) he closes saying, “To all yoga pant wearers, I struggle with my own physicality as I age. I don’t want to struggle with yours.”

And now, smoke’s coming out both ears and my yoga pants are tingling. Run, Alan. Hide.

The “women over 20” population of Barrington are just as pissed. In fact, they’ve decided to hold a Yoga Pants Parade featuring a march of women wearing yoga pants down Alan’s street. It speaks to the restraint of the local women that his house hasn’t had 500 pairs of them nailed to the door to barricade him inside, never to be seen again. You can take our lives, but you can never take our yoga pants.

The Facebook page advertising the event says this isn’t a “hateful protest” against Alan, but instead, an opportunity for women to celebrate their bodies and their right to wear whatever they want. These women see their protest as a fight against “misogyny and the history of men policing women’s bodies.”

And we couldn’t agree more. The idea of a man frothing at the mouth over how a woman chooses to dress, deciding for himself that her body isn’t fit or attractive enough to don certain attire, is abhorrent and worth protesting against. It’s not up to any man what a woman should or shouldn’t wear, and this parade will hopefully drive that point home for Alan, who probably never planned to have an entire town’s worth of women rising up against him and marching in the streets because he was such an asshole.

So, now he knows. Don’t mess with our yoga pants, buddy. We will come for you.

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