F**k You I'm No Beauty Queen: An Ode To Moms

by Maria Guido

‘You Clean Up Nice’ is the mom anthem we all need

“You clean up nice!” Mom and comedian Laura Eichhorn heard that from men one too many times, snapped, and wrote a song for the rest of us ladies who may not move through the world done up at all times.

Do you have any idea how much shit a mom has to get done in a day? Yes, we’d love to have time to primp (or whatever), but we don’t. The end.

“As a mom to a five-year-old, I’m constantly in comfy clothes or workout clothes (when I actually have time to workout). I rarely wear full make up or have my nails done… and I’m tired of the pressures that our society puts on us to be done up,” Eichhorn tells Scary Mommy.

We feel you.

Oh, there is some swearing involved so this is definitely NSFW or kids.

“You clean up nice!”

Was I disgusting and dirty? The opposite of purdy?

My makeup not on straight? In sweatpants adding weight? No heels for me to show my legs, you probably thought me pregs. You see my muffin top? Forehead zits, a brand-new crop? Sometimes I rock a ponytail. Don’t shave my happy trail. Pit Stains even when it’s cold, my nicest bra is four years old.

Fuck you I’m no beauty queen. All polished and pristine.

I wear perfume when I choose. Don’t follow fashion news…

But yeah, we do clean up nice.