You Might Be a Parent If…

1. You correct you coworkers and friends when they don’t say “please” and “thank you.”

2. You automatically cut your own food into teensy-weensy pieces.

3. You hum “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere…” while you do the dishes.

4. You would give your left arm for a brand new, fully loaded, top-of-the-line minivan.

5. Your idea of a good time includes going to Target, alone, on a Saturday night.

6. You have ever tried to re-roll an entire roll of unraveled toilet paper.

7. You’ve had to choose between an extra ten minutes of sleep and making it day day without a shower.

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8. You think staying up until 10PM qualifies as burning the midnight oil.

9. You think sleeping until 8AM is sleeping really, really late.

10. You spell-talk to others even when there are no K-I-D-S around to hear you talk S-H-I-T.

11. You’ve discussed poop with someone like you’re a couple of CSI investigators.

12. You’ve ever hidden in a closet to eat a cookie or have a glass of wine in peace.

13. You automatically tell your partner you’re SO proud of them after they use the toilet.

14. You’ve licked your fingers to clean something off your boss’ face.

15. You believe it’s completely OK to flip kids off behind their backs.

16. You’ve scooped vomit out of your bra.

17. You have walked around all day with barf down your back.

18. There is more food under your kitchen table than on it.

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19. You’ve removed something other than boogers from another person’s nostril.

20. If you and your mate feel more like tag-team wrestlers or zoo-keepers than lovers, you might be a parent.

21. You consider shaving your legs every two weeks shaving often.

22. People in other cars have caught you singing Hakuna Matata at the top of your lungs at a red light.

23. Everything in the top rack of your dishwasher is made of brightly colored plastic and there is never room for glasses.

24. You can carry on a coherent, excited, one-sided conversation with something that cannot talk back.

Might you be a parent?

Related post: 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom

About the writer

For Samantha Cappuccino-Williams of RealMomofNJ, parenting is all heart and no BS. This real mom details parenthood in the straightforward style you've come to expect from women from New Jersey. In addition, she frequently contributes mom-related material to Seventh Generation’s 7Gen Blog.

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Allison B 8 months ago

#15 YES! It’s also ok to pretend to kick them while they are walking away.

Eve Avrin 8 months ago

I still hide the chocolate on the top shelf where they *can’t see it* (they’re both taller than me now)

Kara Beightol 8 months ago

If you have never walked around with puke some where on your body then you most likely didn’t have a baby with acid reflux or colic. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t covered in vomit in that 4 months.

Ashley Curtice 8 months ago

Me either. Maybe one or two…

Brittney Abbott-Goering 8 months ago

I don’t think I’ve ever walked around all day with puke down my back

Rachel Litz 8 months ago

I did #22 before I was a parent lol

Wendi M Marok-Stahl 8 months ago

No not really??? Who wrote these???

Rebecca Mecham Bagley 8 months ago

I AM a parent of two…and thank GOD I have never done about 98% of these! LOL

Kimberly Murray Merrick 8 months ago

Number 10 and 12 are so me. Love all these. Very funny and so true.

Jennifer Williams 8 months ago

All of them at one time or another lol

Tiffany 8 months ago

Guilty….

Darlene McDonough 8 months ago

I’ve done alot of these when my kids were growing up

Sarah Parkhurst 8 months ago

So many of these!

Kasey Stiglitz 8 months ago

Ha ha! How many times have we had to do that!

Lisa Lynn Rulapaugh 8 months ago

LMAO

Carrie 8 months ago

4. You would give your left arm for a brand new, fully loaded, top-of-the-line minivan.

N.O. I do not care what my kids throw at me, I will never buy a minivan and I have told my husband to slap me if I ever start to reconsider that.

Lisa Duggan 8 months ago

All true!

Sarina Wade 8 months ago

Lol #15! And yes #16 far too many times…sigh

Gina Caldanaro 8 months ago

Number 15 made me laugh and yes, I’ve done it. lol

Kelly Murphy 8 months ago

#15 Ashley

Charlene Voss 8 months ago

Is it worrisome that I have 3 kids and have literally done none of these??

Kelly Neiser 8 months ago

Most of these are just silly.

Sarah Magee 8 months ago

Not a mom but I’ve done a lot of these while being a nanny.

Courtney Whener 8 months ago

Yeah. Don’t relate to any of these.

Melinda Hicks 8 months ago

My husband had just deployed to Iraq and he told a fellow soldier that he needed to go potty.

A friend of mine – an adult friend – fell and I said, “Boom, boom!”

Laura Foresythe 8 months ago

Ohhh yeahhh!

Renée Richards 8 months ago

Plenty of time!

Megan Botting 8 months ago

Hahah yes!!
Some of these things are a few years away I think. Plenty of time to complete all items on the list!

Vanessa Reynders 8 months ago

Number 11 also reminds me of nurses (I’m a student nurse

Renée Richards 8 months ago

Bahaha! No 24 as well, although not coherent

Michelle Frittitta Adams 8 months ago

Even more in the van.

Megan Botting 8 months ago

Haha it’s our conversation today in writing haha
PS I did 14 to Meredith at today’s meeting

Renée Richards 8 months ago

Megan no. 11 and 13

Marni Giannotti 8 months ago

You meant to say, well La-ti-EFFING-da!!!

Chrystal Coyne 8 months ago

Lol

Angela Roster 8 months ago

I don’t relate to most of these because I’m pretty good at high-tailing it out of mommy mode when I get the chance! But the one about Target being my dream outing is close. For my birthday, I asked my husband to take the kids to a hotel overnight so I could clean my room. I cleaned for 4 hours and watched DVR episodes of Forever the other 5 hours. I also sway back and forth and rock the shopping cart when I’m stopped in an aisle looking at something, every single time, whether or not a kid is in it. And I had 4 years to unbreak that habit before my 2nd baby came along. Tee hee.

Lea Couture-Charpentier 8 months ago

Lol

Dawn A Golden-Hung 8 months ago

I’ve been excited about #5 more often than I should admit!

Jana Caudill 8 months ago

Hahaha. All of them!!

Coy Raven-Starr 8 months ago

Yes!! #mommylife

Layla Aly 8 months ago

Lol #21

Katie Thomas 8 months ago

I’ve done #6 (toilet paper) more times than I care to count. I must say, however, that I’m getting damn good at it!

Jessica Bradfield 8 months ago

#23!!!

Julie Grant 8 months ago

I’m. Parent but don’t relate.

Trisha Stonehocker 8 months ago

#5. for reals.

Sandy Hecker Carahaly 8 months ago

#14 made me lol for real. Have not done it, thank goodness. But oh, the visual!

Leslie Lewis 8 months ago

I’ll go through a drive thru, when I may get out on my own, and sit in the car to eat a hot meal in peace.

Lauren Hiegl 8 months ago

I feel most of these, except no minivans for me. I can add that I have told patients that “we are not allowed to hit staff that is not nice” in my mommy voice

Jennifer Shanteau 8 months ago

Only # 12 …..kill me if al, of these ever fit me

Heidi O 8 months ago

Or the time I was alone in the car with my husband and said: “Oh, look, cows! Mooooo!”

Ingrid Walerius 8 months ago

Oh my gosh I am not the only one!!!!

Angela Branchaud 8 months ago

I can’t believe how many times I just nodded yes to myself. #16 just happened to me on xmas eve eve. It was awesome

Becky Spicer 8 months ago

17 of the 25, for sure.

Rhiannon Reynolds 8 months ago

#12, it was a snickers bar in my walk in closet.

Megan Crick Posey 8 months ago

Yes.

Chris Primmer 8 months ago

Not a single one applies to me and I’m most certainly a parent…

Carrie Cates-Ware 8 months ago

I would like to add one:
When there is more sand in the bottom on your laundry bin than a horseshoe pit. Wtf? Right?

Sara Byk 8 months ago

When my son talked late we were encouraged to talk to him all the time about everything we did. I once realized I’d spent the entire grocery trip having an animated conversation with my cart – I’d left my son at home.

Melanie Crain Cheshire 8 months ago

#15!

Julie Morales 8 months ago

Way too many of these!

Melanie Forrest 8 months ago

Just not #4

Crystal White 8 months ago

8, 9 & 15

Kristy Engel 8 months ago

I thought hiding in a closet to eat a cookie was a cliche until I hid in the pantry…to eat a cookie. All the while knowing he was looking for me.

Angela Borrowman 8 months ago

Bahahaha! #15 made me laugh out loud

Shelby Krawczyk Emrich 8 months ago

I did #15 recently and my 7 year old caught me! OOOPS!

Valerie Ann 8 months ago

Hahahahahaha I haven’t made it to all of these (yet) but number 4 is a for sure!!!!

Rachael Bowers 8 months ago

Spot on

Michelle Boykin 8 months ago

I think I heard about someone starting a 12 step program but no one was able to attend because it was during naptime

Karima Jackson 8 months ago

Oh, how do I quit?

Karima Jackson 8 months ago

Hi! I might be a parent.

Andrea 2 years ago

Ugh, I thought those guys were from Yo Gabba Gabba! Dammit I feel like I failed some sort of quiz show. We are just too far up Caillou’s butt around here. Good thing I’ve got all this time to Google ‘Muno and Brobee’ and not empty the dishwasher.

Andrea Angileri 2 years ago

Great list! The only thing I don’t know is who ‘Muno and Brobee’ are…which makes me feel like it’s perfectly okay to deny that I’m a parent today based on that alone. Mom who? You talkin’ to me? Joe Pesci style.

You inspired me to resurrect this old FB note. I swear I’m not copying you. Because even kids know that is the ultimate annoyance ‘Stop copying me!’
http://imandreaandyourenot.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/you-know-you-have-a-few-kids-if/

amanda 2 years ago

You might be a parent if you walk into your bathroom and you’re completely not surprised to find it and the half naked child inside of it covered in poop

Raye W 2 years ago

If, while riding in a car, you point out the ‘horsies and cows’ in a field before you realize you’re with only adults……..yeah, you might be a parent.
*extra credit if you do it while in a funeral procession….I was redfaced but everyone said the laugh was needed right then.

Dana 2 years ago

I do that with the dog all the time. Sometimes my husband, too!

Murphy Must Have Had Kids 2 years ago

I’ve never heard of Muno and Brobee (I’m Canadian)…
I know I’m a parent because my arm flings out to protect my husband at sudden stops in the car. :)

Cassie 2 years ago

Hillarious! I love the toilet paper and dishwasher examples. They happen in my house daily. I love funny people!!

rob 2 years ago

great, ill go back and check which ones they are….NOT!

Andie 2 years ago

Me too!!

Andie 2 years ago

Awesome, just awesome! A few of these don’t apply, but man, they are dead on! I’m sure Jeff Foxworthy would be proud. Ha!

AlanaT 2 years ago

I always do ask my husband. Always!

Evalynn Rose 2 years ago

If you know how to do doughnuts in a mini van…

Evalynn Rose 2 years ago

I’ll take it.

Mel 2 years ago

…or if you move everyone’s cups away from the edge of the table. I am NOTORIOUS for that one.

Jessica Smock 2 years ago

Yesterday I was at the pharmacy, talking with the woman at the counter, and I literally couldn’t concentrate on the conversation because she had a runny nose. It literally took every ounce of will power not to reach into my coat and grab a tissue and wipe her nose.

Diana 2 years ago

Also when you always have double knotted shoes when you go out… You might be a parent lol

Dawn 2 years ago

Oh yes, I’ve done that on several occasions – ALWAYS embarrassing! :O

Theresa 2 years ago

I feel the exact same way. Luckily, we have a small dog in the house so she does get most of it. But lately she’s become picking about what’s being left on the floor. :)

Steph 2 years ago

If you have ever caught someone’s vomit with your hands, you might be a parent.
If it does not even phase you when someone walks up and wipes their snot/buggers on your clothes, you might be a parent.

Jeannine 2 years ago

Oh how I love to sleep til 8am!

Vacationland Mom 2 years ago

If you always feel like you’re forgetting something important, you might be a parent.

Tanya 2 years ago

I liked number 5 and number 26 the best! I use to think I would Never ever in a million years want a minivan..

Ann 2 years ago

If your top of the line minivan has enough half empty water bottles and crumbs to last for a week if you are stranded you might be a parent.

J A 2 years ago

#24 If you’ve even pulled BOOGERS out of SOMEONE ELSE’S nose, you’re a parent. Because really….why would you pull boogers out of someone else’s nose otherwise?

How about: If you vacuum your living room three times per day, and there’s still enough cheeto and cookie crumbs in the carpet to feed a family of 8, you might be a parent.

MarySunshine 2 years ago

Ack. Gratuitous grammar and spelling mistakes. Bah.

MarySunshine 2 years ago

There ain’t nothing in the whole wide world like a Jersey Girl…
😉 732 representing…well ok I’ve been transplanted. LOL

Anywho- If, when going out in your own, you feel a million times lighter because there is children related paraphernalia in your bag- you might be a parent.

Gets me every time. I stop and stare at DH and the kids thinking, “I feel too light, what did I forget? Oh, nothing. I just don’t have a shit ton of kids stuff in my bag.”

And here’s a gross one, from a customer at my old job: You know you’re a parent when, for a lack of anyway better to help a stuffy, gagging child, you suck snot out of your child’s nose. True story. I was equally horrified and impressed when this story was shared. Even odder though, I was working at a hardware store at the time. LOL

Gina 2 years ago

If you always refer to yourself as “having to go potty”, you might be a parent.

Amanda 2 years ago

And the parenting hits just keep coming. When I meet 18 some odd’s I feel jaded, and paint motherhood on either side of the spectrum, oh its amazing…I never felt better; or the ever prominant…..dont ever fucking do it, youll be miserable forever. Depennds on my mood that day. Does that make me totally horrible bitch…probably, do I care; not at fucking all.

Jennifer 2 years ago

When my daughter was still a baby I made this trilling noise with my tongue against the roof of my mouth that she LOVED. One day I walked into a coworker’s office and started doing it without even thinking. Luckily she had a daughter a month younger than mine and totally understood.

Jeanette 2 years ago

If you feel like the maintenance personnel of a toy store in the middle of an earthquake, you might be a parent

Mackenzie @ raisingwildthings.com 2 years ago

Yes to all of the above!!!!

Savannah 2 years ago

I do all of these things lol. #12 I have done many a time haha.

The Next Step 2 years ago

hahahah, yes to every one of those, except #4, because I still do #5. :-)

And #15, I still try to avoid discussing what happens in the bathroom with my husband. Of course, today’s blog post blows that out of the water if he reads it.

And I swear the gravitational pull beneath my kitchen table is stronger than anywhere else on Earth.

Tiffany 2 years ago

3,4,5,6,8,11,12,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,28,29,20 all apply to me, lol.

Stephanie 2 years ago

If you’ve forgotten what hot coffee tastes like… (I’ve taken to ordering mine “extra hot” so that there’s a remote chance I get to drink it a little warm)

If you consider eating anything other than Mac and cheese (for the 4th night in a row) a “fancy” dinner.

Mary 2 years ago

#20. I’ve never scooped vomit out of my bra but I have had vomit pooled up in my underwear. DD’s projectile vomit while I was wearing a nightgown. Honestly I didn’t even care since that meant it missed the white bedroom carpet.

Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle 2 years ago

Oh, I just might be a parent. The other day I asked my husband if he remembered to wash his hands when he left the bathroom. How bad is that???

Mary 2 years ago

Our kids are 12 and 8. Hubby and I still say we have to go potty whenever one of us has to use the bathroom.

Jennifer 2 years ago

How about if your purse weighs 20 pounds because it’s full of paper, crayons, markers, handwipes, playing cards and a plastic bag in case someone has to puke, you might be a parent.

Also when we go out and someone else’s child is acting up, I always quietly let the mom know that I’ve got plenty of things that she can use to distract her child. Most are grateful, some don’t react as kindly lol.

Amy H 2 years ago

Ha!! Also, if you start the same sentence 4 times but never get to finish it, you might be a parent.

Jennifer 2 years ago

Haha, I’ve done that one too!

Jennifer 2 years ago

Oh yes, I do that alot. Especially to my 6’8″ 300# husband who then looks at me like I’m a nut job lol!

Stephanie 2 years ago

I’d actually give anything to LOSE my top-of-the-line, fully loaded minivan. So you KNOW I’m a mom.

Ncwg76 2 years ago

Yessss!!! My hubby was just hospitalized and his kidneys were funky while he was in there…I kept asking him if he had to go potty!!! Lol.

grownandflown 2 years ago

I parent my girl friends, I parent my husband, I parent my 85-year old mother, I parent my labradors, I parent my teenage daughter. What I am learning to do is hide my parenting from my college kid – I do it in disguise….parenting never ends!

Momchalant 2 years ago

HAHA. I have so much more food under my table than on it, and it’s all over the floor. But, we just got a dog so it’s like a vacuum that I never have to plug in!

Jenn 2 years ago

Hah, I thought the same on that one! ALthough usually when my cats do that, it’s impossible to reroll because it has become toilet paper confetti….

Elizabeth Rolleston 2 years ago

Most of the above …. And if you are out for a walk with your other half, no children, and as you go to cross the road you hold him back by putting out our arm and saying “wait”.( Never going to live that one down). Definitely think I am a parent.

Amy M 2 years ago

#7 … Or you have a cat :)

Kiwi 2 years ago

Luv it. #6 just happened to me last week. My friend and I got together for “girl time” on sun night and it included trips to walmart and target without kids :) And how about

If you’ve ever asked someone over the age of 15 “Do you have to go potty?” you might be a parent.

Natasha 2 years ago

Ahahah to all of these. And my toilet paper looks like that right now.

Amanda Martin 2 years ago

Oh yes, a few of those. Definitely the hiding in the closet to eat cookies (or telling hubbie he has to take his upstairs). My car has so many Cheerios in it I sometimes think a strange creature lives in there with odd circle-shaped poops.
I’d also add ‘if you can have a conversation with three people at once and not lose your train of thought’ or ‘if you always have wetwipes and offer them to strangers in need’ or ‘if you realise you’ve worn the same pair of jeans for a week’….

Mom22Tweens 2 years ago

And if you do that to the driver when he or she brakes, you might be a parent of a 16-year-old.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 2 years ago

I adore The Gruffalo!
And say what you will but sleeping until IS sleeping late…
Also: if you go shopping for a new handbag you chose the one which can hold the most diapers.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 2 years ago

I did that with my boss once… talk about akward.

Debbie 2 years ago

Good list for knowing you might be a parent.
Here is one, When you leave your house instead of taking a purse with you it feels like you have a small suitcase, you might be a parent.
If you go to pay for something at the story, instead of pulling out your wallet you pull out a zip lock bag full of gold fish you might be a parent.
Thanks for the smiles and reminders. :)
Debbie

Arnebya 2 years ago

Yup. Every single one of these. And if you go to pour yourself something to drink but only give yourself half a cup, you might be a parent.

realmomofnj 2 years ago

LOL Yes!!!

Dorothy 2 years ago

If you automatically throw your arm out to hold back a rider in the passenger seat when braking hard, you might be a parent (I’ve unexpectedly felt up a lot of boobies in the last twenty years).