You're Probably Not A Mother If...

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

1. You post “TGIF!” on your Facebook page and have big plans for the weekend.

2. You cut yourself a piece of chocolate cake, sit down at the table, and eat it like a civilized person.

3. You reach into your purse and pull out what you intended to, on the first try.

4. You pity people who drive minivans.

5. You sleep past 7:30 AM on a Saturday.

6. You shut the bathroom door and it remains closed for the duration of your visit.

7. You can properly identify the crud on your jeans.

8. And it bothers you.

9. You’ve never had a stimulating conversation about poop.

10. You like your coffee hot, and actually drink it that way.

11. You don’t automatically clench your legs when you pee.

12. You expect people to make a fuss over your birthday.

13. You’ve never cleaned the house from top to bottom with nothing but a box of baby wipes.

14. You’ve fully caught up with your close friends via phone calls.

15. Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds pathetic.

16. You get a paper cut and use a plain, flesh covered Band-Aid to cover it.

17. You assume that rogue raisin on the floor is actually a raisin.

18. The goal of your shower is relaxation rather than cleanliness.

19. The radio station is set to music you like listening to.

20. You take a sick day because you’re actually sick.

21. You don’t think twice about purchasing new clothes or accessories for yourself.

22. You can make it out of Target with less than ten items.

23. You come back from vacations feeling rejuvenated.

24. You complain about your mother wanting to see you too much.

25. You roll your eyes at other parents and utter the words “I’d never…”

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