Welcome to Toddlerhood: Where Everything Gets Flushed Down the Toilet
Congratulations! You are now the proud parent of a toddler.
What’s that? You don’t have time to talk right now? Don’t worry; we’re sure a plumber can retrieve your wedding rings from the septic system. And a quick call to Poison Control will probably make you feel better about the dish soap he ate while you were putting clothes in the dryer.
Welcome to toddlerhood: where everything you learned in the first year gets flushed down the fucking toilet.
Most children take their first steps between 9-12 months, but you might be one of the lucky few who have a late walker. Despite what you might think, this is a blessing. Embrace it. Encourage your child to walk by arranging safe, sturdy furniture around the house for him to grab onto for support. Remove dangerous items from surfaces and enjoy the precious days you have left not chasing a runner around your home.
By now, your child should be able to respond to simple spoken requests, use simple gestures and attempt to imitate words that you say. This might be a good time to stop yelling, “SLOW DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER!” during your daily outings and flipping your partner off behind his back… or not. This is merely a suggestion.
You’ve likely noticed a marked increase in noise and destruction. Children this age love to bang pots and pans together, put things into containers and dump them out, and hide your keys or cell phone. This will continue for what feels like eternity, so settle in. Childproof your environment (no judgement if you waited until the very last possible second to do this, but now it really is time), stock up on wine, and don’t forget to take care of YOU.
Scary Mommy Tip: Once your mobile toddler has a taste of freedom, it will become more difficult to put her in a shopping cart or stroller. Figure out what will distract her long enough to get her buckled in (a toy or lollipop might do the trick!), and stock your purse or diaper bag.
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