1. “Are they all yours?” No. Only these 6 right here. I don’t know who these other assholes belong to.
2. “With the same man?” Yes. He’s smoking hot. I have a pic of his bare behind on my phone here…would you like to see?
3. “Don’t you know what causes that?” I do! And so does my smoking hot husband and it’s weird that you’re asking me about my basic understanding of human reproduction.
4. “Are you Catholic?” We are and we totally rock at it. Especially the part where we’re supposed to have a shit ton of kids. Is it a sin to cuss? We might need to work on that bit.
5. “Haven’t you heard of birth control?” I have and now I’m kind of wishing that your parents had used it…or at least taught you some manners. Asshat.
6. “Are you always super horny?” Like, right now? Talking to you? No.
7. “How are you going to pay for college?” We’re planning on selling one kidney from every kid who wants to go- — two if they’re applying to an Ivy league school. Are you in the market?
8. “Do you have a favorite?” Hell yes I do! Whoever is being the least assholish that day/hour/minute/second.
9. “Are you having more?” Am I having more sex with my smoking hot husband? Yes! Lots and lots. Would you like to see his bubble butt? Like I said, I have a pic on my phone here…
10. “Do you drive a bus?” No, but if I did I’d drive it right up your ass. I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice. We aren’t a band so, no, we do not drive a bus. We do often have our kid’s friends hanging out with us which sometimes necessitates the need for a bus, but not just yet. We just tie the extra kids to the roof of the Suburban like we do our Christmas tree. They’re fine.
Bonus question: “Isn’t your house always a wreck?” Yes, but it was a wreck before kids as well. That was mostly because I was hungover. Now it’s because we live with six whirling dervishes and I can’t keep up. “Clean” is subjective, anyway. Their clothes are clean- please don’t look at our walls and baseboards, though.
We are not a freak show. We are a big-ass family made up of kind-hearted, empathetic, curious, amusing, joyful kids who help make this world (or at least our world) totally awesome. It’s cool if you have questions just, please, don’t be an utter wanker when you ask them.
Related post: I’m So Sorry My Large Family Offends You
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