10 Reasons Moms Aren't In The Mood (Sponsored)

by Rita Templeton
Originally Published: 

As the day draws to a close, moms everywhere start fantasizing about some between-the-sheets action – namely, sleeping so hard that we wake up with prints on our faces. I know: you were hoping for a little bit of hanky-panky. But sometimes, we literally cannot even, and the only wet spot we want in the bed is the one where we’ve drooled into our pillows. Because frankly, there are a number of reasons why moms just aren’t always in the mood.

1. We’re all touched out. All day long we’ve been climbed on. Tugged at. Nursed on. Tapped. Poked. Squeezed. Laid across. There have been little fingers all up in our business since the moment our eyes opened – and now that those little fingers are momentarily at rest, we’re looking forward to having some personal space. Sweet freedom.

2. We’re freaking tired. You: get into bed and go to sleep. We: get into bed and go to sleep – then wake up because we have to pee (thanks, childbirth), and while we’re up we check to make sure everyone is covered. Then we go back to sleep again, but wake up because one of the kids is coughing. We drift off again, but wake up because someone is whimpering “Mommy, I’m scaaaaared.” We sleep fitfully while being jabbed with little knees and elbows. We wake at the crack of dawn because apparently that’s the best time to demand breakfast. It’s exhausting.

3. We just can’t take any more bodily fluids. It’s not you – it’s the fact that we’ve been accosted by other people’s moisture (*shudder*) all day long. We act as human Kleenexes, catch vomit in our bare hands, dry tears, and wipe butts. The last thing we want to do is clean up yet another puddle or swap any sort of liquids. Sorry.

4. Our tastes have changed. Before we were harried moms with busy households, it was much easier to woo us; the next panty drop was merely a sideways glance and a romantic soundtrack away. But it’s not Marvin Gaye or massage oil or a glass of champagne that get us hot and bothered these days. Our minds are swimming with dirty thoughts: like the pile of unwashed laundry, the gritty floor, the sticky children. You want us to be putty in your hands again? Consider picking up a mop instead of a dozen roses. Awwwww yeeeeahhh.

5. We don’t feel sexy. Sometimes, we take long hot baths and shave our excess body hair and use scented lotion and slip into something silky. But sometimes we’re in yesterday’s sweatpants and haven’t washed our hair – let alone anything else – and have something crusted all over our T-shirts (snot? Food? It’s anybody’s guess). Not exactly an open invitation to jump our bones.

6. We don’t have the energy to flip the “Mom switch.” Pre-kids, it was so much easier to get down and dirty at the drop of a hat. But now we spend the majority of our days in Mommy-mode, and sometimes it’s downright impossible to divert our brains from going over tomorrow’s schedule of pick-up and drop-off and piano lessons and what we’re thawing for dinner. It’s kinda hard to think sensual thoughts when you can’t stop wondering if you remembered to sign your third-grader’s permission slip and whether you have the ingredients to make that casserole you found on Pinterest.

7. Ain’t nobody got time for all that. It just takes. So. LONG. (See #6.) You can’t bake a cake in a cold oven, and you can’t wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am into true satisfaction for both parties. If we’re going to do it, we want to go for the “Big O” too – and frankly, that just takes too much time some nights. I mean, we could be sleeping.

8. We’re paranoid. You know what sounds like fun? A romantic romp without the worry of interruption. Unfortunately, we have kids, and kids have impeccable timing. They’re like, “My parents are getting it on! Now would be a great time to appear quietly at their bedside and stare in horror, making them worry that they’ve scarred me for life.” Even a locked door doesn’t guarantee a successful sexy-time session, because they’ll knock anyway, which is like somebody throwing ice water on the ol’ libido.

9. We just want to cuddle. Sometimes we crave physical touch, but not necessarily in places where the sun doesn’t shine. There are occasions when we want to snuggle and be affectionate without further commitment. We said hug, not hump!

10. We’re hormonal. We don’t like it either, but sometimes it’s an ugly truth: our fluctuating hormones can mess with our moods in a major way. Whether we’re postpartum or PMS-ing or things are just generally out of whack, hormones can lead to all kinds of unpleasant crap like zits and cramps and a vag that’s dry enough to make the Sahara jealous. And in those valleys of hormonal hell, intimacy doesn’t sound the least bit appealing.

Now will you please stop poking us from behind?

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*These statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Estroven® used under license by i-Health, Inc.

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