10 Reasons Why You're Not an Awful Parent

There’s a whole slew of things in life that can be a train wreck on your self-esteem. Just some of those on the list include your changing body in middle school, trying on a bikini post-30, and the grand champion of them all: Parenthood. It takes the cake.

Actually, it eats the cake too…and adds in Netflix binging and Merlot. Hence the bikini anxiety.

Parenthood can sometimes give you the feeling that you’re not doing it right…not doing ANYTHING right. Well, not to sound like a self-help book or a convention put on by Oprah and Richard Simmons, BUT…you’re doing a hell of a lot right.

Sometimes you just need a reminder of the “little wins” you’re not giving yourself credit for. Here are ten reasons to keep your chin up and chest out today:

1. You didn’t tell them the truth about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. You know life would be easier for you if you did…and you have made it through another year blatantly lying to their small faces. High five.

2. You haven’t taken a sledgehammer to the $&%# harmonica Grandma bought them last year. High five.

3. You’ve basically won 397 epic, celebrity-death-match-style throwdowns with a legit demon…otherwise known as a toddler at bedtime. High five.

4. Remember that one family holiday when no one told you how you’re an awful parent for (insert: feeding your kid bread/candy/non-organic apples, letting them play outside IN DIRT, not having a coat on that kid in this 65 degree chill, not taking enough family pictures, etc)…yeah that probably won’t happen again. But it did once, and that matters. High five.

5. You drive your kids around to all their crap like they’re Miss Daisy, while they act more like the kid from Problem Child, but on PCP and trapped in a small confined place called a car, where the only thing that will keep them from sending you into a complete mental breakdown is singing at the top of their lungs to some really shitty Disney song on repeat and turned up so loud the guy in the carpool line looks at you and a single tear rolls down his face while he pours the tiniest bit of his coffee on the ground because that’s the closest thing he can do to “Pour One for His Homie.” High five.

6. You carried a small growing human inside of you for 40 weeks. A small growing human that often acted like a complete asshole. Who would willingly let some punk kick your bodily organs and make you pee your pants when you sneeze? High five.

7. You haven’t called a ghost hunter or exorcist AND you still manage to sleep with the lights off. Hey, this is a huge feat after witnessing your kid trench through your house like a character from The Walking Dead crossed with Rain Man. YOU try not shitting your pants when your 10-year-old mumbles about pants and pumpkins while searing through you with her “dead eyes.” I don’t care what anyone says…sleepwalking is from the underworld. High five.

8. You made it through another year without throat punching another parent. High five.

9. You have mastered the art of zen, found your chi, and came so close to nirvana…all while pooping. A locked bathroom door is the key to inner peace. High five.

10. You haven’t gone on strike. You get out of bed. You keep moving when you just want to sit. You keep your mind from…snap, snap, snapping. You didn’t give up. You give the middle finger to complete mental breakdowns. You suck it up. High five.

Now go eat cake. Seriously, cake solves problems.

Related post: I’m A Good Mother, Dammit, And So Are You