10 Signs That My Kids Are Home From College For The Summer

1. I find myself making waffles at 11 a.m. And fried eggs. And turkey sandwiches. Who cares that I made breakfast for their two younger siblings hours ago? The twentysomethings need their beauty sleep.

2. I can’t keep water bottles in the house. I don’t know if young adults are thirstier than the rest of us, but they go through the cases of water I stock up on at Trader Joe’s like they were cans of Miller Light. Wait, is there a correlation?

3. The ever-present laundry sitting in the dryer. Apparently, college teaches young people that cleaning clothes is a competitive sport. As such, any laundry—wet or dry—that gets in their way will be unceremoniously dumped on the floor. The winner is the one who has clean clothes in the dryer, where that person then leaves them sitting for three days.

4. I cannot get a parking spot in my own driveway. I know, you’d think since I pay all the bills around here and just had said driveway repaved I’d be the one parking in it. But, as with laundry, parking close to the house is a cutthroat sport and, somehow, I’m always on the losing end.

5. “It Wasn’t Me’s” dishes are always sitting in the sink. Not to mention that mystery person’s forks, knives and coffee cups. God forbid the kids take one for the team and load that extra spoon or glass into the dishwasher when they’re cleaning up their own dirty dishes. Because that would be exhausting.

6. There is no cash in my wallet. Your car needs gas? Here’s 20 bucks. Your eyes are itchy? Here, take $10 and go get some eye drops. You need how much for the train? All I have is a $20. Wait (looking at wallet trying to pay for my own gas), where’s that $50 I just took out?

7. The dishwasher is full by noon. Sure, it starts out empty each morning, but after all the waffle making and coffee drinking, there’s no room for the dinner plates. See Nos. 1 and 5.

8. Our family’s carbon footprint is as big as a brontosaurus paw. The addition of two adults around here means we are going through K-cups and plastic water bottles like there’s no tomorrow. #sorryplanetearth

9. I find myself driving in a car with no air conditioning when it’s 90 degrees outside. I own three motor vehicles. Two are equipped with air conditioning. One, sadly, lost its ability to cool its passengers a few years ago. I am the one buying the cars and paying for their upkeep, yet there I was on one of the first hot days of the year last week, driving through town with hot wind blowing through my hair and sitting on a seat held together with duct tape.

10. Lights are on. Televisions are on. Doors are open. All the time. “It Wasn’t Me” strikes again.