Our culture is obsessed with sex, but let’s face it, most of us could use a little more of it. But then real life shows up, and doing-the-dirty takes a back seat. Before you know it, knocking boots becomes a novelty that sneaks up on you as a happy surprise. You might not know when your next love-makin’ is going to happen, but here are 10 signs you’re definitely not having sex tonight:
1. Your kid had an epic diaper explosion, and your dog just jumped all over the bed and farted everywhere. Eau De Digestion is not exactly a pheromone, and where there’s smoke, there’s sure to be fire—probably at the exact moment you start to get frisky. Don’t even bother.
2. You came out of the bathroom and told your partner all about the new boob hair that seemed to have sprouted from nowhere. All relationships go through different periods of growth, but the literal growth on your chesticles isn’t exactly what the marriage counselor had in mind.
3. You just Netflix-binged on a disturbing show where all your favorite characters were murdered in the most gruesome way possible. It’s hard to get hard when he’s mourning the death of someone he’s been rooting for since season one.
4. You’re wearing your favorite charity T-shirt that’s ten sizes too big and covered in mysterious stains, along with two mismatched socks and a pair of yoga pants you pulled out of the dirty clothes hamper. You might as well stencil “I HAVE A HEADACHE” across your forehead.
5. Your husband’s ex just liked every single Facebook photo he’s posted that doesn’t have you in it. He obviously needs to be punished for her questionable behavior, and your night is better spent scrolling through her timeline judging her grammar and overuse of emojis.
6. It seemed like a good idea to follow up your pasta meal with half a gallon of ice cream, but now your food coma is so intense you can’t move for fear of seeing all that food again. Obviously this is what the fitness experts refer to as carb-cycling and taking a rest day. You wouldn’t want to ruin it with some late night cardio.
7. You just had an intense 20 minute “discussion” on what he meant when he answered “you know” to a casual question you asked about his workday. Letting him in your pants would be like letting him win the argument you’re not even sure why you’re having.
8. Your mother-in-law just made some sort of feisty remark to her husband before winking at everyone in the room. You’ll be too busy trying to not picture what she just implied to bother doing it yourself.
9. The question “how do you know when you need to lance a boil?” just came out of your husband’s mouth. It sounds like both of you need to spend some time on the internet from opposite sides of the house.
10. You’re about to start your period, and he’s too traumatized from the last time he didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. He may be a fan of Tarantino movies, but not when the bloodshed takes place in his own bedroom.
Go ahead and put in your mouth guard, slather your hair in coconut oil, and grab a good book, because no one’s getting any tonight.