We are living in an amazing time. Player Haters Official Organized Parenting Association (PHOOPA for short) has officially been formed. And with this formation, PHOOPA has finally given a voice to all those parents who are tired of “playing.” The brave parents who have let their kid win at “Old Maid” for the last time with forced smiles on their faces while the tears pooled in their eyes (their dead, emotionless eyes). The valiant parents who gave their child that extra sibling so that they didn’t have to make the sacrifice of dignity required to loudly pretend to see a unicorn in the aisles of Target while shopping. PHOOPA has given us a new lease on our lives, and I salute them.
Buuuttt … um, here is the thing. I like to play with my kids. SHHH. This is a secret. I don’t want to get kicked out of PHOOPA. I love those people too, but I’m just a couple steps less mature than they are. This is a list of things that I would gladly forego in order to play with my kids:
1. Cleaning toilets. Yeah, I realize starting out with this one is making me sound like a martyr, but I will be Jake from Jake and the Never Land Pirates 100 times over rather than be elbow-deep in the porcelain throne. Side note: Am I doing it wrong if I’m elbow-deep in it? Probably, but I’ve spent so much time playing, I have forgotten appropriate procedure.
2. Laundry. I know. Really?! How can that be? Moms love laundry. That’s why no one has invented that folding machine that we have all seen in the meme. We love it so much. I am going to separate myself from the masses and say I will be Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid instead of the maid who launders various clothing.
3. Napping. Bahahaha. Just kidding. If it comes to that, I play with the baby and get the best of both worlds. I play and nap. BAM. Is your mind blown? Oh, you have already discovered that savvy trick? PHOOPA Chest Bump!
4. Talking to anyone on the phone. I’m not what you would call a talky person. Unless it’s on a fake phone and I’m planning a pretend party for my new daughter, inviting all the princesses and hiring a band. I will talk all day about that on the old flip phone.
5. Pulling weeds. I just can’t with the yard work. That’s why I will soak both children with water guns before I take one step towards the weeds. By the time we have finished seeking revenge, the night has slipped away and there is no time to work in the yard.
6. Cleaning out that closet that we stuff everything in before company comes over. I am not touching that with someone else’s 10 foot pole. Yes, let’s make those shaving cream and food coloring paints rather than risk being eaten up by the junk in that closet.
7. Yoga. That yoga mat is much better suited to being the runway in a fashion show put on by my two daughters and me. Bonus: I can whip out the warrior pose at the end of the runway for maximum effect. Picture warrior pose + Blue Steel! Chills. I just got chills.
8. Taking out the garbage. Garbage shmarbage. I’m busy teaching the Matching Game and MCing it with the karaoke machine.
9. Dusting. Ugh – I prefer being patient zero in my daughters’ put-together hospital room than getting the sneezes from the dust being stirred up.
10. Leaving my house. Umm, to leave the house you have to get dressed. Hate that about life. I can play all day long with no bra on. Sign me up. Also, I can throw my wedding dress on and strut around the house and no one even cares. In fact, they encourage this brand of crazy.
I am so thankful for PHOOPA’s work to embrace all types of parenting. I am excited for the time in which we can all parent the way we want and not judge each other.
*Disclaimer: PHOOPA is not a real organization … yet. I have been thinking of slogans though:
“I’m not a player, I just want to read a lot.”
“Don’t hate the player, hate the way they cry when they lose.”
“Hold on to your poopa ’cause here comes PHOOPA.”
I don’t know, I think there’s potential here.