10 Ways You Know You're Getting Old

by Meg Jones
Originally Published: 

Being in my mid 30s may not be too terribly old, and I may still get carded once in a great while … but dammit, I’m feeling a little old lately.

How do I know this? Well, let me spell it out for you kids …

1. I like watching birds. I was JUST looking out my window admiring a female cardinal on my bird feeder … a bird feeder that I requested for Mother’s Day. Pretty soon my kids will be buying me all the bird things for Christmas, and I will be sporting an appliquéd bird sweatshirt at a school event. This is inevitable.

2. My back hurts. No seriously, my back hurts all the freaking time. I complain about it to my kids and make them line up to rub my back for me. I instruct them to use their bony little elbows, and cry out in pain as they dig them into my back, working up a sweat … because mommy is getting old.

3. I DVR The Tonight Show. Sorry Jimmy, I know you are hilarious, but this mama needs to sleep. Who even stays up that late anyways?

4. I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. Yeah, I will admit to it here. My heart starts pumping when I know the answer to the puzzle, like Grandma at Bingo. I don’t, like, actively turn it on or anything, but if the TV is on when either of these shows comes on … it’s staying on.

5. I could tell you what the weather will be outside for the rest of the week. I knew that there was a cold front blowing through last night and that my kids had better wear light jackets in the morning. Don’t even think that I don’t have an umbrella in my bag either, cuz that is just ludicrous.

6. Aches and pains. At this very moment, my neck and thumb hurt. Why? I have no idea. Just random aches and pains that pop in and out of my life. I can’t even crochet today because of my thumb! (See? I’m old.) And guess what I have to rub all over my aches and pains? Bengay. I smell like menthol and the death of my youth.

7. I don’t get the slang these days. Yep, I said it. I don’t know or care what bae, or fleek, or turnt up mean. I still say cool beans, and now have a Google search that says “teen slang words 2015″ on my computer.

8. Snapchat. I tried it for a few days and found it annoying and pointless. Maybe I was using it wrong, but I just did not get the appeal. It takes me too long for my old lady eyes to see the picture without my glasses, and before I know it, the dumb thing’s disappeared.

9. Small children annoy me. My kids can make themselves a bowl of cereal and leave me the hell alone on Sunday mornings. If I’m asked to spend time with needy small kids, with all their needs … I freak out. The baby train left my station years ago, and I’m too young to be a grandma. I am in the golden zone of adulthood.

10. Sleep. Sweet glorious slumber. I love it, need it, and crave it. If I’m not actively sleeping, I am thinking about the next time I get to sleep. I skip social gatherings because I could not possibly stay awake long enough to make it worth the drive there. I’m old and tired.

Twenty-year-old me would probably be so pissed at this list. I guess that’s what happens, though: you start to be less like your old self and more like your mother and grandmother every day. I have no plans of being a cougar anytime soon, so I had better just get used to the inevitable sagging of my skin and stock up on hard candy. And Bengay.

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