11 Signs You’re Middle-Aged When You’re on a Beach Vacation

Remember in your twenties, and even your thirties, when you would go on a beach vacation and spend the days snorkeling and surfing and riding a WaveRunner? Then at night, you would go out drinking until you crawled back to your hotel room at 2 or 3 a.m.? There were crazy adventures (like near death experiences) that you had fun laughing about each night over too many Mai Tais. Going to the beach is as fun as ever, but there’s no question it’s a different experience these days. A few signs that times have changed:

You don’t even think about trying to get a tan.

You’re too busy trying to figure out if the 100 SPF sunblock actually works.

No one tries to sell you pot.

Whenever you’re in your hotel room for an extended length of time, you put on the hotel robe.

This feels natural and right.

No pictures in broad daylight.

Everyone looks so much better by the light of the tiki torches.

You talk with your spouse about coming back as empty nesters.

This is no longer a completely abstract idea.

You don’t search out the good surf breaks.

But you’re content (sort of) to boogie board with your child on the shore break. Besides it’s safer.

A rogue wave picks you up …

… and smashes you onto the sand of said shore break, causing seawater and sand to lodge themselves in all of your orifices. As you thrash around gracelessly in the shallows trying to stand up, another wave knocks you back down on your knees. You realize that you might drown in three inches of water. Definitely safer.

Really, it’s much more enjoyable to watch your child from the beach than to actually boogie board with them.

Golf suddenly looks like fun.

The discovery that your hotel doesn’t have HBO …

… sends you and your spouse into a snarling battle of recriminations about which one of you was supposed to download HBO GO onto your computer.

After a stressful hour hassling with the hotel Wi-Fi system, you finally get HBO GO loaded on your laptop and make peace with your spouse in time to watch Game of Thrones … which you enjoy for about 10 minutes before you both fall asleep.

Despite carefully applying sunblock every few hours …

… by the end of the week, large patches of your body are sunburned, and you find yourself sitting next to the pool, covered from head to toe in towels and wearing a large hat. This should embarrass you, but it doesn’t.