‘Tis the season for love, togetherness, family, friends and holiday pictures—so many pictures. There are kids in cute outfits, couples in ugly sweaters, endless Starbucks cups, and pictures of seemingly every meal anyone sits down to eat.
For moms, this is also the season of relative hosting, power cleaning, stress eating and Xanax. We’re expected to cook and clean up after large groups of people in addition to our own crazy children. We’re supposed to keep it together, even when it feels like everything’s about to fall apart.
Well, all I want for Christmas are some new Instagram filters, designed to help moms fake it ’til we make it this holiday season:
Makes it appear as though you haven’t been up since 5 a.m. preparing the goddamn turkey. It removes under-eye circles, reduces eye puffiness, and adds an overall matte finish to make you look less greasy.
This filter makes it look like you literally just got out of the shower. Designed to imitate a fogged mirror, you’ll barely be able to make yourself out, but your complexion will look fantastic.
No time to tweeze? No problem! This filter will fill in patches, clean up stray hairs, and make sure everything is “on point.”
4. Actual Early Bird
This filter assumes you were woken up even earlier than 5 a.m. and will automatically replace your resting bitch face with a well-rested, not-so-bitchy face.
Crops the inevitable blurry kid (or the looking-away-from-the-camera kid) and replaces with a partial from another picture. Finally, a picture worth printing large quantities of, to go with those Christmas cards you’ll probably never get around to sending.
For those family shots by the tree, this replaces your Christmas tree with a beautifully decorated one, which hasn’t been half-destroyed by a small child. (This is the closest you’ll get to having glass ornaments in the next decade or so.)
Will make it look like your kids actually napped, by replacing crying faces with smiling ones.
Will make it look like you don’t care that your kids didn’t nap, replacing your face with one that’s smiling and laughing.
This filter is perfect for candid pictures of relatives dancing inappropriately, singing terribly, and/or falling over. (Disclaimer: May cause terrible headaches later.)
Sure to be popular with hipster parents, this filter adds reading glasses, a bun, and a red infinity scarf to everyone in the picture.
This filter perfectly blurs any background, so you’ll no longer have to scout out the one clean corner of your house to take pictures in.
Make your house appear decorated for the holidays without hanging anything, crafting with kids, or wasting all those hours on Pinterest.
But until these filters are actually available, we’ll just have to get through holiday pictures the way we always do: with a forced smile, some repressed resentment, and as much booze as it takes to tolerate our extended family.