Do Parents Ever Regret That Second Child?
“I feel tired all the time.”
Before I had kids, I thought I wanted five. (I know.) My husband talked me down to three and then that number got a lot shakier after we had one. Eventually we were brave enough to have a second but Baby #3 never materialized because, as they say, “no plan survives contact with the enemy.” There’s no question that adding any number of children into your life is difficult... and it’s also a classic example of the technical term “no backsies.” So what if you wind up regretting it? One redditor on the site’s popular r/Parenting forum wanted to know more about just that...
“I know I will be downvoted,” u/PowerfulComputer386 begins cautiously, “but I want to know if anyone is brave and honest to admit such regret? Two young kids are so much harder in all aspects, logically, financially, emotionally, both parents are on duty all the time. I feel tired all the time. I think two is definitely more than twice the work.”
Answers were generally compassionate and thoughtful... and also pretty mixed. It turns out — and I know this will shock you — parenting is pretty complicated and varies a lot from person to person and family to family. Overall, though, responses could be broken into categories. We’ll let the commenters simply speak for themselves...
“No, but it’s hard out there”
“No regrets, but I figured it would be two times as hard ... It's easily 10 times.”
“Only financially, although, this is ... more about how insanely expensive everything for kids is.”
“I don’t regret it but I know both kids aren't getting 100% of me. Not even close. And that's just reality and something I have to come to terms with.”
“Yes and I’m struggling”
“At the risk of getting downvoted, yes. I regret having two. It’s twice as much work. Whatever works for one kid doesn’t work for the other. I am over-stimulated and tired. Of course both of my kids ended up having disabilities and I work full time. My time is never my own. I am always, always, always tired.”
“Two people I know (not a couple) have both confided in me that they regret having the second. These people both love the two children they have, and have supportive spouses and money, but now there’s six relationships in the house versus three. [There’s] a lot more unrest, and a lot more that can go wrong.”
“It gets better”
“I'm trying to remind myself it's a season. In a decade my kids will be way more independent and I'll have way more free time. In 15 years my kids will probably not want anything to do with me and I'll have more free time than I know what to do with and probably be sad they're not babies anymore.”
“In the first year, yeah probably. Eight years in with an 8 year old and 6 year old, no way would I ever [regret having two]. But I can sympathize”
“It’s much harder, but honestly as someone who’s had two kids very close in age it starts getting better as they get older. They’re a pain in the ass, but they do love and entertain each other now very often. It’s fun to see that sibling bond.”
“No, and here’s why”
“No, because I waited until my first was 6 before having another. Otherwise yeah, I probably would regret having them closer together. The 6 year gap is lovely though. The oldest was independent and in school 6 hours a day by the time we had our second. Zero regrets. Now number 3 is due in 9 days and our youngest just turned 6 on Sunday.”
“When we made the decision to have children we thought we would want 2. After having our first, we started questioning that. The month that we originally planned to start trying for our second came and went. We weren’t ready. ... Then we met some friends that had a three-year age gap between their children and it was eye opening how much better that seemed than our planned two year difference. ... Looking at it as a ‘season’ is a good way to help get through the hard times. Our daughters are now 5 and 2 and it’s getting easier every day. I’m already having revisionist history and miss the days when our first was only months old (which is opposite of how I felt when we were in it). ...Now, three kids? No thanks!”
As a mom of two myself, I can only imagine most parents have had a moment of, if not regret, self doubt. Or second guessing. A moment of “Oh jeez, we’re all crying. What have I done?” But I’m very much Team It Gets Better. Because as time goes on, your children — and you — grow up a little more, and that can make all the difference in the world.
