As a person who has been pregnant three times, I know how serious shit can get. Bending over, sneezing, or moving one inch to the left makes you piss your pants. Sleeping doesn’t happen when you are carrying around a squiggly, kicking human, and I once had heartburn so vile I woke up out of a dead sleep as bile was making its way up my chest and throat.
The mood swings can put any PMS-ing teenager to shame, and get the hell out of the way if the pregnant person in your life is hungry. Oh, and PSA: don’t ever, ever suggest sharing food and suggesting a different meal than what they’ve said they want. Like, ever.
If you are with child, or have been pregnant in your life, you will feel these tweets like you feel a foot in the bladder that makes you squirt urine in those damn pregnancy pants that chafe because, lucky you, your vagina has probably tripled in size.
You have all the emotions, they are all running wild, and you have no idea who you are going to be next.
Pregnancy means you literally don’t know what to expect from your body anymore.
When you’re pregnant, it’s like eating is a sport — and if anyone gets in your way (even your kids) they are in for a rude awakening because mama ain’t sharing (and she’ll steal your snack cake).
Pregnant women don’t beat around the bush. They are growing a tiny human and they literally don’t care.
Was it a pretty leaf or bird that flew by? Did they see someone who reminded them of their grandmother? Did you do something or look at them the wrong way? Do they really need a chocolate and is that why they are crying? You don’t know (they probably don’t either, TBH). And more importantly, you learn not to ask.
And no one tells you that there will be pain in places you didn’t know there could be pain.
But one of the upsides to being pregnant is that there are times when you blow your own damn mind because you are such a genius with all your wonderful ideas.
Seriously though, if two pregnant folks had to live together, I’m not sure how that would go down.
When you are pregnant, you learn to take risks to make you happy because so many other things like sleep, dry undies, and crazy sexual positions have already been taken away from you. What’s a little heartburn?
And then there are times you crave the craziest meal combinations and you wonder what you are actually growing inside of you.
Something else you may not find in those pregnancy books? Every part of your body starts sprouting hair and you go through a pack of razors in under a week.
And we can’t deny that being pregnant is scary. There are so many unknowns when it comes to carrying and delivering a baby. Sure, we can eat all the Fritos dipped in jelly, melt mozzarella on our ice cream, and say we don’t care that we smell like a pee sack, but there is always some anxiety when it comes to this stage of your life.
The best thing you can do is greet it with a little humor, ask moms who have been there (I suggest asking someone who has been there recently) and get some panty liners. Put them in your drawers every damn day for the rest of your life, because there are some pregnancy surprises that just keep on giving after the pregnancy is over.
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