Hello everyone! It’s your trusty Scary Mommy staff writer Lindsay Wolf here with some hair-raising stories just in time for your post-Halloween enjoyment.
This spine-tingling list will fright and delight you, but not because it’s filled with the best haunted house locations or sightings of creepy ghosts. It’s just a bunch of random, stupid shit Donald Trump has said over the years that will literally hurt your brain to read. Which means that the following tweets are also enough to make the thought of him winning this year’s election a legitimate fucking nightmare.
Unfortunately if he does win, this is not a scary dream we’ll be able to wake up from. Which is why we need to kick his ass to the White House lawn on November 3rd and change the keys so he can’t get back in.
And now, I encourage you to curl up with a toasty blanket, grab a piece of candy out of your kid’s trick-or-treat bag, and get ready to take a dumbfounding walk down memory lane as I share some of the most fucked up Twitter statements good ol’ Don has ever typed up with his greasy little hands.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
Ahhh, who could forget the time when Donald told the world how much he loves Hispanic people as he dined on an overpriced taco bowl inside of his own personal golden tower. I don’t know what’s worse, that over 116K people liked this tweet or that all of them conveniently forgot about this horrifying campaign speech he made just one year prior:
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we’re getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They’re sending us not the right people. ”
Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure,it's not your fault
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 9, 2013
We’ll never know exactly who Trump was calling “losers and haters,” just like we’ll never know Trump’s SAT scores or get to see his academic records, since his lawyer threatened legal action against anyone who tries to make them public. Genius move, Don.
The more Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, etc you drink, the more weight you gain?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 15, 2012
Is this a legitimate question, or is Donald trying to pile diet soft drinks onto the bushel of conspiracy theories he loves to collect and distribute to his Twitter followers? This gem was actually a follow up from his tweet the day before, which read, “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
And now, I present this tweet of a skinny model dancing as she drinks a Diet Coke.
— Diet Coke (@DietCoke) February 5, 2018
We’re about to get into one of the more spicy social media quips DT has made thus far. Clearly, our “least racist person in this room” seems to be having a memory glitch, because back in 2013 he was pretty damn racist when he straight up blamed our country’s violent crime on Black and Hispanic people.
Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics-a tough subject-must be discussed.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 5, 2013
“Within the domestic terrorism bucket category as a whole, racially-motivated violent extremism is, I think, the biggest bucket within that larger group, and within the racially-motivated violent extremists bucket, people subscribing to some kind of white supremacist-type ideology is certainly the biggest chunk of that.”
And this racially charged, white supremacist-based violence? It’s in large part due to – you guessed it – the divisive presidential influence and oppressive policy vetoing of Donald J. Trump.
An 'extremely credible source' has called my office and told me that @BarackObama's birth certificate is a fraud.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 6, 2012
Oh, and then there was the time that he tried to create a totally untrue birther conspiracy about our first Black president.
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012
Sure it was, Donald. Oh, and by the way, did it also feel good to make fun of sixteen-year old Greta Thunberg because she was honored by Time for recognizing that global warming is real while you sat on your ass tweeting over a hundred times about climate change being a “hoax?”
Interesting — studies show that wind farms have a warming effect on the climate
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 29, 2012
And then, while he spent countless hours tweeting about the “hoax” that is global warming, Donald also tried to achieve ultimate opportunist status by deceptively legitimizing the “warming effect” of windmills. Newsflash: wind farms don’t cause global warming.
While our wonderful president was out playing golf all day, the TSA is falling apart, just like our government! Airports a total disaster!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 21, 2016
The “wonderful president” he’s sarcastically referring to is none other than Barack Obama. The most ridiculous part of this rant is that Donald Trump has played golf roughly 283 days during his presidency, costing US taxpayers nearly 142 MILLION dollars.
In order to get elected, @BarackObama will start a war with Iran.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 29, 2011
Here we have another huge ass lie being dropped by the reality TV star turned half-ass president. Remember the war that totally happened between America and Iran that was totally started by Barack Obama so he could totally get elected? No, you don’t. Because just like Donald Trump dreamed of one day being recognized as our greatest president ever, it never happened.
But do you know what did happen?
“As he gears up for a tough reelection campaign, President Donald Trump just approved a military strike that assassinated one of the most powerful people in Iran, Maj. Gen. Qassem Suleimani — a move that many experts are calling an ‘act of war,’ and one that dramatically increases the chances that outright conflict between Iran and the United States breaks out this year,” writes journalist Aaron Rupar for Vox.
John Sununu was more right than he even knew yesterday — @BarackObama indeed needs to "learn how to be an American."
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 18, 2012
No, Mr. President. It’s you who doesn’t know how to be a decent human being.
Barney Frank looked disgusting–nipples protruding–in his blue shirt before Congress. Very very disrespectful.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 21, 2011
If Donald Trump honestly thought that nipples protruding out of a shirt was disgusting and disrespectful, A) he wouldn’t have responded “yeah” when Howard Stern called his daughter Ivanka a “piece of ass” to his face and B) he wouldn’t have worn this shirt to golf last year:
Trump had spent 60 days at his course in Northern Virginia, 59 days at Bedminster and 57 days at his resort in West Palm Beach. He has also visited his courses in Los Angeles; Doral, Florida; Jupiter, Florida; Scotland and Ireland―all on the taxpayer dime.https://t.co/l3VIsiKsLL
— Tere Petersen (@tere_petersen) July 5, 2019
Last but certainly not least, here’s the time when good ol’ Don got visibly upset because Jon Stewart hilariously called him “F**ckface Von Clownstick.”
Amazing how the haters & losers keep tweeting the name “F**kface Von Clownstick” like they are so original & like no one else is doing it…
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 3, 2013
What the hell is our off-the-rocker prez referring to, you may be wondering? His panties were all in a twist back in 2013 after Jon Stewart called him this fabulous curse-filled nickname after Donald randomly tweeted out that the comedian was a “pussy” and waged an unsolicited Twitter war against him by trying to expose Stewart’s Jewish heritage.
@caaataclysm Little Jon Stewart(?) Is a pussy, he would be hopeless in a debate with me!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 11, 2013
If Jon Stewart is so above it all & legit, why did he change his name from Jonathan Leibowitz? He should be proud of his heritage!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 3, 2013
In response to Trump’s anti-semitic goading, the previous Daily Show host did what he does best – came up with a wittier tweet than our president could ever hope to dream up.
Well, there you have it. Trump’s not-ever-greatest hits will have you wanting to hide under your bedsheets in horror if this wackadoodle human being somehow manages to squeak out a second term win.
With the exception of Kool-Aid guzzling QAnon believers, the rest of Americans know that the past four years have been a total fucking catastrophe. Donald John Trump has casually tossed our country into some bizarre wormhole where the laws of the universe no longer seem to apply – and it’s time to pull ourselves out of it, so we can go vote this A-hole out of the White House.