If you have the distinct pleasure of having children who have to share a room, you have probably heard some bitching and moaning. Kids are often less than overjoyed about sharing their living and sleeping quarters with a sibling. Here are just some of the many complaints you’ll hear when kids share a room:
1. “She’s being mean!” This will be followed by, “She’s not being nice” and/or, “She said I’m being mean.” This will lead you to wonder how many ways they can find to say exactly the same thing.
2. “She won’t go to sleep!” Or the reverse, “She won’t let me go to sleep.” They will also find yet another way to say the exact same thing when they whine, “She’s keeping me awake.” Either way they won’t let you, or anybody else in the house, go the hell to sleep.
3. “She stole my teddy bear!” The other child will counter, “She stole my doll!” Yes, there will be not only be yelling, but also thievery. In a rather brilliant turn of events – which you won’t see coming – the first child will add, “She stole my doll’s teddy bear.” Suddenly, your house has turned into an episode of Law & Order. Mom, get to sleuthing.
4. Soon things will become violent with claims of physical contact. “She jumped on my face” and “She slapped my face” will be followed by crying and yelling as they both attempt to show you evidence, including red marks and bruises that, frankly, you can’t really see.
5. “She did it!” You will not be sure if they are talking about the hitting or the stealing, but each child will quickly rebut the other’s claim. “She made me do it,” “She told me to do it” and “She wouldn’t let me do it” will be screamed at full throttle as the war continues.
6. Next up, “She’s afraid.” And in turn, your other child will say, “Now, I’m afraid.” They will then go on to explain what made them afraid, and usually it will have something to do with bugs, men in closets or monsters. You won’t be able to discern who actually started the scary story shit, but you vow to never let them watch television EVER AGAIN, because it is a bad influence. Everything except for The Real Housewives, which you can’t seem to make it through, even on demand.
7. “She yelled at me!” “She touched me.” “She looked at me.” “She won’t stop looking at me.” These complaints will be yelled, rapid fire, from their bedrooms as you hit pause on the remote again. Do you actually have to get up?
8. “That’s mine! That’s not hers.” You will advise, possession is 9/10’s of the law. They will ignore you and continue. “She said that wasn’t mine.” “She said that was hers.” You will stare in disbelief, wondering how this seems to happen every single night.
9. “She keeps talking!” You wish they would stop. “She keeps singing.” But, they enjoy singing. “She keeps farting.” Maybe she’s just making noises with her mouth. “She keeps burping.” Well, she did have tacos for dinner.
10. All of your responses seem to be falling on deaf ears as they continue. “She won’t stop crying.” “She won’t stop talking.” The other child will say she has to keep talking because her sister won’t talk to her, look at her or play with her.
11. After walking them up to bed once again, as your wine grows warm and the housewives remain in suspended animation, you will think all is well until you hear the screams. “She’s wearing my clothes.” You thought this particular fight wasn’t supposed to happen until high school. This will be followed by your other child yelling, “She’s wearing my shoes.”
12. As you ignore them and turn the volume up, things will escalate. Finally, they will quiet down after realizing you will no longer give in to their foolishness. Ahhh, wine. Not so fast. “She wants Daddy.” At least they didn’t say, “She wants you.” Wait, “She wants me to tell you she wants Daddy.” Where the hell is Daddy? No matter, because they have moved on.
13. “She said she’s not tired.” No, but you are tired … of the bullshit. You just want a few minutes alone with your thoughts – and the housewives. “Now I’m not tired because she’s keeping me awake.”
14. You will shut the television off and head upstairs to sit outside of their bedroom until they go to sleep. You will plant yourself by their door with your wine. They can’t take your wine. “Mommy,” whispered, “is she really my sister? How do you know? Are you sure?” You will confirm that, in fact, they are sisters. If she would like proof she merely has to look in a mirror.
15. “Fine, can we bring her back?” No, you will say. “Why not?” The hospital does not accept returns. If they did, they would have two tonight.
16. “Can I have my own room?”
This final question will continue to come with alarming frequency and will often be followed by a period of begging and pleading. This will cause you to feel badly about the shared space you (honestly and truly) can do nothing about. And when you keeping saying no, there will be outbursts and misplaced anger. Don’t worry; this will end when one of them goes off to college – in another 10 to 12 years.