17 Ways Presidential Candidates Are A Lot Like My Children

1. There’s a lot of “Aren’t you too old to be doing this?”

2. They occasionally have bizarre hairstyles that no one should be allowed to display in public.

3. They say, “I’m going to fix this!” and they get out their “toolbox” and suddenly you’re scraping glitter off the bottom of your feet for the next 40 years.

4. There’s a lot of “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

5. One little primal scream in public and suddenly you’re not allowed out anymore.

6. They hide things. And then, after a while, those things start to stink, and we’re all like, “What were you thinking? You can’t put shrimp behind a radiator and expect that no one will ever notice.”

7. I’m compelled to both gush and rant about them on social media.

8. They strongly object to childcare for working mothers.

9. When you say something straightforward, like, “I need help putting away the groceries,” they say something really aggressive, like, “Do people usually die soon or not really soon? That’s what I’m saying.” And you’re left feeling kind of upset and baffled and, like, “Hey, I just needed a hand unloading the car.”

10. There are a lot of garbled, nonsensical proclamations, like, “We’re going to safety-pin the envelopes shut, tape them together backwards, and then stuff them underneath the fridge. What do you mean this plan won’t work? This is my plan.”

11. When something really stinks, they blame the other guy.

12. They like pretending to be tough guys.

13. They plan their parties way in advance and say blustery things like, “You know who I’m going to invite? The trash in the toilet.”

14. Math skills, not so much. Somehow, when they divvy up the goodies, they always get a couple extra.

15. They stay up way, way, later than they should and then make ill-advised comments to the people who pretty much decide whether they live or die. Who said the following, a candidate or my 5-year-old? “I love you, but sometimes I hate you. Actually, I’m going to put you in jail.”

16. You worry about their friends, who are obviously bad influences.

17. Last but not least: Sometimes they will look you straight in the eye and deliver a whopper, and you’ll be like, “For the 100th time, how dumb do you think I am?”