Sugar is like that UPS delivery guy I dated a decade ago: I crave it, but it treats me terribly. It leads me on a roller coaster of elation and despair and robs me of my dignity. It doesn’t care about me, and it certainly won’t be there to support me in my old age when I’m morbidly obese and toothless.
I know we have to break up. I tried, once. My three days without sugar were miserable. The world looked bleak and my soul felt empty. After that, sugar and I tried to be just friends, but it didn’t work. We kept getting intimate.
Are you in a bad relationship with sugar, too? Maybe you’ll recognize some of these signs that sugar has a hold on you.
1. You’ve weaved wildly from lane to lane while driving one-handed because the other hand is using a car key to stab open a bag of Dove Promises.
2. You’ve thrown away the rest of a cake or pie out of sheer disgust for having eaten most of it yourself.
3. You’ve later opened the lid of the trash can to gaze at said cake or pie lovingly, then whispered, “No, you’re right; I still need you,” and checked to make sure it hasn’t touched any other trash before rescuing it.
4. You growl like a wildcat (and/or hiss and scratch, if necessary) when your significant other attempts to violate your sacred pint of ice cream with his or her spoon. (You are eating the whole pint, aren’t you? Bowls are for amateurs.)
5. You’ve said to yourself, “It’s already 8:30 a.m.; there’s no reason why I can’t have one of these chocolates.”
6. You’ve imagined that the head of a boring speaker is a Hostess cream-filled chocolate cupcake.
7. When attending a meeting where the organizers have not provided sugary treats, you have uttered the words “travesty,” or “bullshit.”
8. When you say, “I’ll be right back after I go to the bathroom,” you mean, “I’ll be back in a few minutes; I need to hide in the pantry and eat cookies.”
9. You are an expert at coming up with occasions that require cake.
10. When you’re stressed, going to your “happy place” means mentally curling up inside the hole of a giant donut and licking it until you drift off into a diabetic coma.
11. Before a predicted snowstorm, your grocery list includes toilet paper, milk, cookie dough, and Fun Dip.
12. When you walk past the Krispy Kreme donuts, they talk to you.
13. Before telling you something upsetting, your significant other knows to offer you candy.
14. You eat your kids’ Easter candy before you can get it in a basket.
15. You eat your kids’ Easter candy on the way home from buying it.
16. You eat brownies that you’ve baked for someone else. You can just make more, right?
17. You glare suspiciously at people who voluntarily give away their candy or skip dessert.
18. When your doctor tells you that cutting back on simple sugars might ease your PMS symptoms, you have to restrain yourself from cracking her skull with the nearest medical implement.
19. Lettuce makes you angry.
20. You might be eating sugar while reading this list.
If so, don’t worry; I’m the last person to judge.
Related post: 23 Rules of Eating, According to a Toddler
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