Last night, I watched the premiere of Listen To Your Heart, which is The Bachelor’s attempt at setting up singers from across the land and turning them into dynamic duos who make wonderful music together.
They brought single women and men who want to fall in love and share their love for music with another music lover, and put them in a mansion. The name of the game is to get into a relationship first, then the singing competitions and performances will begin. Basically they need to see if these couples have chemistry on the stage and off. That doesn’t sound stressful at all.
Settling down to dive into Listen To Your Heart for the first time, I yell at my three teenagers to shut their traps because I deserve two hours of silence in front of the television without being disturbed. I need to decide how invested I’ll be. I need to be alone with my thoughts about this very important first episode.
So here they are. But just a warning if you haven’t seen it yet — there are a few spoilers.
1. This makes me happy I don’t care if people think it’s cheesy or fake or dumb. I’m into it and it’s what the world needs right now.
2. I already have a favorite— Trevor Holmes. He looks cute in a beanie, has a Golden Retriever, and works in construction. If he gets kicked off, I’m going to hunt him down and find him. He’s only fifteen years younger than me. Should I calm down? Is it too soon to pick a favorite?
3. I can’t believe the pressure here. It’s not enough to fight for the attention of someone you’re attracted to, you must perform too. My IBS is flaring up just thinking about it. Is it bad that I want to see someone mess up?
4. Whoever thought up this concept is a genius. Shows like The Voice and American Idol are wildly popular. They really know how to turn my insides into a puddle. This is good shit. I’ve got my robe on; I’ve got my snacks. My life just improved by 64%.
5. One of the female contestants, Jamie, says she hates drama. Does she even go here? This show is built on alcohol, bikinis, and drama. Hello.
6. Savannah says if she just wanted another pretty face she’d go back to her modeling agency and pluck a man from that pool. She also mentioned she’s had to fight off men her whole life. I predict the other women will love her. She and Jamie will have no problems at all.
7. Jamie has already fallen in love twice within five minutes of the show. No drama to see here!
8. I’m going to have a hangover tomorrow from the time I’ll spend thinking about this show tonight. I don’t even care.
9. Rudi is wasting zero time. He walked in and started singing. The chemistry between him and Savannah is so awkward I had to close my eyes. Please make it stop. Is he flirting? Is she playing hard to get? I feel physically upset watching them together.
10. I’m so glad there’s some hot tub action. I’m not above living vicariously through these people. When this pandemic is over I am going to get in all the hot tubs.
11. Rudi just got blown off again for the second time in ten minutes, but he gives zero fucks. Actually, I think he’s just oblivious. I’m not sure if I want him to stay or go.
12. Julia likes Ryan. Ryan likes Jamie. Jamie likes Trevor. This is only the first half hour and I’m definitely invested. Now I have to watch every Monday night, regardless if there are stay at home orders or not.
13. Singing is such an aphrodisiac. Everyone will be humping like bunnies in no time.
14. These first dates are killer. I love singing. I wish I could sing. I’m going to google virtual singing lessons and when this pandemic is over, I’m going to be the next Taylor Swift. I’ll see you at the Grammys.
15. I thought I liked Matt but he’s working his way through the women too quickly and has already made one of them cry. What a dick. I hope his voice cracks when he has to perform for the first time.
16. Julia is getting serenaded. I want to get serenaded. Even if it’s Say Anything style with a boombox, I want to get serenaded.
17. Now Jamie is getting serenaded. I haven’t seen anyone but my kids in over a month and my leg hair blows in the wind. I hate everyone.
18. Now Jamie (the “drama-hater”) is crying because she has two handsome, talented guys after her and she has to choose. Jamie, you have no real problems, so let’s suck in the tears and make a decision already.
19. There were so many unexpected choices made at that Rose Ceremony. My mind was racing.
20. Is it next Monday night yet?
Even if you’ve never been a fan of The Bachelor, I say give this a try anyway. Music just makes everything better (the extra large dose of drama doesn’t suck either), and if you ask me, it’s the perfect time to get committed to a television show where people sing and make out.
I won’t tell a soul, but also — what else are you going to do on Monday nights these days?
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