But is there anything really useful about any of those damned Facebook alerts at all? You get your hopes up, and then bam, it’s just someone commenting on a picture of you that is not actually a picture of you.
Below, 33 Facebook notifications moms could actually use.
1. Good morning. Your caffeine level is below optimal. Drink another 1.5 cups of coffee.
2. Take a sweater.
3. It’s 10:00 a.m. Have you eaten breakfast? The toast crust your kid threw on the floor doesn’t count.
4. Another Republican has jumped into the race. Hide your brother’s feed?
5. Tina Fey has done something funny. Time for that cup of coffee.
6. A Democrat has responded. Hide your cousin’s feed too?
7. Your FB moms’ group is dwelling a little too long on The Drama of The Gifted Child.
8. Lots of #blessed today, try not to think less of these people, they’re just expressing themselves as best they can, not everyone is super-verbal.
9. Do some neck stretches already. What are you, a shepherd’s crook?
10. All about you on Mother’s Day, wasn’t it, hmmm? You have a mother too. I know, right? Oh shit.
11. Alert: Your coworker is about to blame some failure on you.
12. Alert: Your kid is poking holes in the screen doors with a turkey baster.
13. Now is the exact moment the real estate market has tilted in favor of buying.
14. Yes, palazzo pants can be slimming if you get the exact right pair.
15. Here are three adorable Craftsman bungalows just slightly out of your price range.
16. That is some weird-ass combination of leftovers you brought for lunch. Frugality can be taken too far, you know. Comfort yourself with an expensive cookie.
17. If you really have this much free time at work, you should map out a novel.
18. A Labradoodle is not a real kind of dog. Or is it?
19. So, your novel has kind of a flabby structure—we have to believe that the character would eternally dither like that. I know you want it to be, like, “she’s trapped in the stifling cultural circumstances of middle-class working American mothers,” but honey, you’re not Chekhov. #sorrynotsorry
20. It’s 4:45 p.m. Here are the contents of your freezer: Some old squash soup you didn’t like the first time around. A single scoop of mashed potatoes your husband was too cheap to throw away.
21. It’s 4:52 p.m. If you leave right now, you could pick up a rotisserie chicken.
22. 5:01 p.m. Too late to stop at the store. Tuna fish sandwiches it is.
23. Frame it as “picnic night!”
24. You do not have exact change for the babysitter. Stop at the store and buy something to get a 10 and a few ones.
25. Well, if you were going to stop, you could have gotten the rotisserie chicken. No one wears pantyhose from an egg anymore.
26. You think you deserve a medal for putting down the phone for the 32 minutes of dinner and bathtime? You’re acting like you’re conscientious, but you’re really just afraid of the headline “Toddler drives away while mom checks Facebook.”
27. You actually do have time to exercise or practice the guitar for a bit, it’s at least three hours until you go to bed.
28. [Hollow laugh]
29. If you don’t put your phone down this instant, Facebook will jitter into your dreams all night long.
30. Hah, Twitter. It wants to be cool, but it can’t match the sheer broad proletariat swath of the ol’ FB. Okay, fine, check.
31. I know, the bird swooping at you when the app launches is kind of sickening, right? Better turn back to Facebook.
32. Pinching the bridge of your nose will help with the tension headache. This is no way to spend your life. Other people learn how to compose music or orienteer or something.
33. Today is your birthday.
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