39 Reasons We Don't Work Out

I don’t want to work out.

I am at the age where I still think Falco is cool, and I am 50 lbs. heavier than I was when his last video was on MTV. I have reached a point in life where I must decide, do I want to stay mobile for this second half? Or do I go ahead and start pricing mobility carts?

This is how I know that I can no longer have my “getting into shape” plan be somewhere in the hazy future.

I broke my foot this week.

Okay, that was overstating a bit. I have a stress fracture in my foot. I’m not entirely sure how the fracture happened other than my foot felt fine, and then it didn’t. My foot stopped feeling fine after sitting in my cubicle with my left foot tucked underneath me for half the afternoon.

It appears my ass has grown to such monumental proportions that it can fracture bones.

I have an awesome excuse to not work out today. Eventually, my foot will heal, and when it does, I’ll have no more excuses.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t provide you with some kick-ass reasons to not work out. I can’t be the only one who can usually find a jillion things to do other than working out. I will cover reasons to not workout at home and reasons to avoid the gym.

Disclaimer: These are for entertainment only. They are not intended to be used as real excuses. Except No. 4. And maybe No. 20.

1. Have to bend over and plug in treadmill. No one has time for that.

2. Can’t stop staring at massive muscle guy who can’t stop staring at himself.

3. How can you work out when you can actually hear your tequila shaking its maracas?

4. The hum of the treadmill might attract salacious robots.

5. Too busy feigning interest in husband’s sump pump installation story.

6. Haven’t checked the “Recently Added” on Netflix in over a week.

7. Can’t shake feeling that parallel-reality doppelganger is already buff.

8. Feel obligated to spend deck time with lonely husband who tells fascinating sump pump installation stories.

9. Too much exercise turns pretty feet into gnarly, calloused, feet of death.

10. Chafing hurts.

11. The horny old musclehead who lays his hands on you to “correct” your form.

12. Can’t deal with the thought of how many gallons of stranger sweat have rained down upon the exercise equipment.

13. Pretty sure a drive to the liquor store equates a vigorous workout.

14. Busy hoping a wasp flies into the mouth of guy who grunts every time he lifts 10 lbs.

15. Found barely expired stash of Halloween candy.

16. Can’t eat lunch while doing pull-ups, sit-ups or lunges.

17. Can’t stop obsessing about possible workout clothes/camel-toe issue.

18. Exercise not as interesting as watching Hubs install sump pump.

19. Walking one room away to treadmill too inconvenient.

20. Only workout shirt was used as a pork chop napkin.

21. Fear of choking on brownies while jogging.

22. Search Google to see if Pop-Up Video is still a thing.

23. No clean workout clothes and refuse to do naked squats. And nothing will be done on the stability ball sans clothes.

24. The process for finding appropriate socks could trigger a chain of events that leads to finding oneself knee-deep in laundry.

25. Really need to reopen ongoing battle with sister about the exact moment Bono became a douchebag.

26. Keep falling asleep after laying down on weight bench.

27. The world is ending … again. Why bother?

28. On hold with Miss Cleo.

29. Afraid zombies will hear weights clanking.

30. Screw you. I don’t have to work out.

31. Seriously, I don’t mind being fat.

32. Have you seen our new sump pump?

33. A moment of silence for all the season finales must be observed.

34. Had nachos for dinner and want to avoid another “sweating salsa” incident.

35. Have to listen to a voicemail from mother.

36. Have to train for 2017 Hammock Olympics.

37. Have to invent Hammock Olympics.

38. Treadmill is currently housing all manner of laundry.

39. Don’t want to disturb the dust bunny napping hour.

Like it or not, we need to move. Sure, it was easier when the Olsen twins were still in diapers, but easy doesn’t matter. We can make all the excuses we want, but in the end, the excuses aren’t going to save us from the mobility carts. Or salacious robots.

Rock me, Amadeus.