1. Everything will make you sick.
Everything will make you sick. You would go into detail about exact foods, but it’ll make you sick thinking about those awful, evil foods. It feels like being in a perpetual state of hangover. Geez, last night was a big night, you’re really feeling it today. No wait, you didn’t go out to the pub — you went to bed at nine after drinking your ginger beer and sucking on your ginger lozenges. FYL. And damn your husband for doing this to you.
2. You will hate your husband.
No matter how much he resembles Mother Teresa, you will inevitably hate your husband. It will happen accidentally when he wakes you from your nap by playing his guitar, when you ask him to share a pizza and he says he’s “not eating junk food,” or when he talks about what he wants to make for dinner and you are struggling with your daily pregnancy hangover. He will become Enemy #1. You will try to pretend you don’t hate him because he’s also Baby Daddy #1, and you will feel guilty for hating him so much, but deep down you will. Until this two-month hangover ends, you don’t want to be spoken to, touched, and ack…get that thing away from you. Hasn’t it done enough damage?!
3. You will suddenly realize that babies are expensive.
Even if you are an heiress, suddenly it will appear that all your resources are being drained. You want to take maternity leave? That will be $5,000. Looks like your high deductible health insurance plan is going to leave you with a balance. That will be another $5,000. Baby car seat, baby stroller, baby nursery, baby daycare, baby college fund, baby, baby, baby. Maybe you should have gotten a dog instead.
4. Napping will take up all your time.
Forget about having a social life, going to the gym, or even washing your face, your newest activity, napping, will take up all of your time. The amount of hours that you’re clocking in your bed will make you feel like a depressed teenager. You’ll wake up from your nap to choke down a dinner that will most likely make you nauseous before falling back to sleep by 9 p.m. and secretly hating the activity you used to cherish most. You will prepare for your nap the hour you get home from work, and you will recover from your nap the hour after you wake up. Mommy blogs will tell you to enjoy your sleep because once the baby comes, “You will never sleep again!”
5. You will realize big boobs suck.
Those big boobs you always wanted are awful. During your nap, you’ll fall asleep on top of them and wake to an aching pain. You’ll find the only comfort from this pain is harnessing them 24/7 in a sports or regular bra. In fact, at times, your whole body will feel engorged and as you toss and turn in your bed, you will understand what it feels like to be an endangered aquatic species beached upon the shore.
6. They will tell you it’s all worth it.
You’ll feel guilty for writing a complaining article because some day as you stare down at your beautiful new child, you’ll forget all the horrible things about your first trimester. But right now, you know you’re right. You’d bet a million dollars on it. Pregnancy sucks.