7 Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

7 (LOL) Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

My husband and I have been together almost two decades. 17 years. That is crazy. Especially since I’m only 31. Just kidding. I’m 40 and everyone knows it.

I believe there are some things that should be kept from one another. Basic human nature aspects that really don’t need to be shared. Sure this guy is your soul mate, the love of your life. But I try to keep him from seeing the elephant ear shaped labias in actual daylight. I think romance needs to stay somewhat alive. I try to keep a shred of dignity around him. If my efforts keep him wondering, keep him thinking, “this woman has such a mystique, even though I’ve been married to her all these years,” I’m doing something right.

Here goes…

1. Only wear those pore trip nose thingies on your nose when he’s not around. I even have ‘Frownies’ which are these stick on tabs you use to immobilize your face instead of Botox. They are like postage stamps for your forehead. He will never see me in these.

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2. Hide your Aunt Flo stained underwear at the bottom of the hamper. Better yet- wash everything yourself and keep your husband from laundering any delicates.

3. Don’t go #2 in his presence. Yes, my husband thinks I, like other women, don’t poop. And honestly, I’m just going to pretend he doesn’t either. There are limits in our marriage. We can go #1 in each others’ company, but #2 is strictly off limits. What’s the worst is when we have to go to a hotel and eventually I have to have my morning poop. I make sure the fan is on and I keep a travel Febreeze in my product bag.

4.  Keep from seeing each other’s anuses at all costs. I don’t think my husband has seen mine. I can’t guarantee what my husband saw of me during childbirth. It happened so fast and the poor guy was forced by the nurse to hold my leg. I told them no, that I wanted my hooha to be a sacred shrine of adoration kept intact in my husband’s mind, but they insisted. I don’t care that porn stars bleach their back door, this hemorrhoid-addled (yes childbirth was wretched on my body) butt isn’t going to be seen by anyone (except my gyno), not even a hand mirror I hold myself. And you can guarantee I will NOT be seeing his.

5. Don’t vomit on your spouse. Thankfully this has never happened to us. Once I puked on the bathroom rug and he graciously took it out to the garbage while I crawled back in bed with the puke bowl. Which is also the salad bowl I take to our neighborhood block parties.

6. Refrain from farting during sex.  This I think I’ve done actually. We had Mexican before for dinner. I had too many margaritas. We were rolling around in the sack and I did a Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big for him. I think he was a little distracted about the other stuff going on and continued as usual.

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7. If you’ve snuck his razor for lady grooming, rinse it off and put it back without his ever knowing. Pubes are kind of a mood killer. Hopefully he has done the same should he borrow yours ever. Guy pubes are pretty wiry. I’m counting on the fact that he doesn’t want my Lady Schick in that jungle of his. Not that he does any manscaping down there, but if he did shave his balls- it would so be some Mach 4 razor that is only man enough for the job.

So there you have it. I think I’m about 80% mysterious to my husband. I will do my darndest to keep from him my stained underwear, hemorrhoid asshole and nose strips till death do us part.  Truly, this is key to a long and healthy, happy marriage.

About the writer

Rebecca Gallagher writes for Frugalistablog and is a mom, wife and minivan driver. She likes sarcasm, Daniel Craig and croissants. Not necessarily in that order. You can find Frugalistablog on Twitter @rebeccatg88, Facebook and Pinterest.

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Mama 11 months ago

I hate to break it to you, but your husband has likely seen your anus. Have you ever done doggy style? Yes? Then he has seen your anus! Unless you are really, really overweight….then maybe you’re safe.

Chris 1 year ago

I happened upon this and just had to comment from the guy perspective. Unless you husband is abnormal, believe me, he LOVES seeing your labia AND your anus. Are you telling me you’ve never done doggy style or 69?? Pretty hard NOT to see it! Plus, I’m surprised you haven’t worked at least something anal into your repertoire after 17 yrs. Definitely no farting or bathroom nastiness in front of each other. Couples like that are insane. But again, guys are very visual, so seeing you vag, ass, and yes, even your a-hole is highly erotic!

Michelle Hensen-Allen 1 year ago

Too funny!!!!!

Anonymous 1 year ago

I agree wholeheartedly with all the comments about boring sex. If your man hasn’t seen your anus at one point or another you don’t do it doggy style let alone any anal play. Your anus is nothing to be ashamed of!

kyara 1 year ago

P.s. My husband put hemorrhoid cream on me after birth because I was too sick to do it myself. That is love.

kyara 1 year ago

I couldn’t disagree more. Mothers have enough to worry about. Appearing “perfect” I’m front of their husbands is completely unrealistic and unfair. Men do these things all the time, but women are expected to refrain to appear more ladylike? Are we in the middle ages? Ridiculous. I’m not saying to be distasteful on purpose or anything, but life isn’t all roses and butterflies.

Laura Walter-Norwick 1 year ago

I completely agree! I follow ALL these rules(w exception of child birth)…some privacy is warranted….still don’t use bathroom in front of each other after 11 yrs

Jenni Eike Raygosa 1 year ago

Some of you need to lighten up. Geez!

Jenni Eike Raygosa 1 year ago

OMG lol hilarious!

Sue Gusso 1 year ago

Funny and scary too:)

Kathren Elainadel Mahan Tyus 1 year ago

I broke #2 after 2 months because he found where I was just throwing them away. He offered to clean them. Not sure about #4 because we do doggy style often but the lights are NEVER on. #5 I blame on the neighbor for spiking my drink at Christmas….I was tore up. Otherwise, I keep gross stuff to myself.

Stacey Kisner 1 year ago

I think we are all in agreement here that you do whatever works for you in your own relationships. Is this article a reason to attack eachother? Makes no sense to me to try and put someone else down that has different views.

MG 1 year ago

Wow. If your idea of keeping mystery in your marriage is to hide your butt hole, that’s pretty sad. I think your husband might find it more intriguing if you had something more interesting to share with him after all these years. I’m pretty sure he knows you have a butt hole and what you do with it. I’ve been married for 12 years, and the things that keep our marriage fresh and keep us interested in each other have nothing to do with the bathroom. My spouse is working on a screenplay that I haven’t gotten to read yet–that’s mysterious & interesting. I think that matters of the heart and the head are what will keep things strong. I hope that my spouse is more intrigued by the time I spend running in the mountains alone, than the time I spend in the bathroom.

Kelly Tallett 1 year ago

Disappointing :-(

Eleonora Cardella Goroll 1 year ago

Sorry, but this list is so stupid. These things are irrelevant.

Zoe 1 year ago

Wow. Am I really the only woman who has a relationship in which we are actually both completely, fully human to one another?
Of course we poop! We both read Everybody Poops to our respective kids (hubby 2 – first one died after 24 years, but was also a full actual human with him). How could we therefore pretend with one another that we don’t? And giggling during sex?! It’s supposed to be FUN! We laugh in bed A LOT! And it just extends the fun… little break, grab some water perhaps…
It’s cute, in it’s way, but really, for me, it just keeps the whole ‘women are really good at being pretty for their men’ thing alive and well.

tic 1 year ago

No anuses?? So does this mean only missionary for you? How dull….

Brenda Butler 1 year ago

Next you are going to say that women shouldn’t give birth in front of their husband? After that I am not sure what is left to hide.

Heather Von Bargen 1 year ago

Um, if your man can’t handle a real woman, then I have some bad news for you….

Robbie 1 year ago

I think this is insane… me and my husband have done everything this woman has said not to do (except I haven’t thrown up on him) and we are extremely passionate…. our sex life is great, and its because we are so close. I think your spouse should be the one person that you are that intimate with, my husband is the only person that I can be completely myself around. Yes, some of the stuff that has happened in our marriage has been embarrassing but that just adds humor to your lives as a married couple and for me shows the love cause no matter what I do my husband will always love and want me. And for me that is more of a turn on and hotter than “pretending my husband don’t poop” ever will be.

Joseph Hensley 1 year ago

Total horseshit. The ability to do all these things, be a human, in front of your partner, is what makes the bond special. Never see her labia or anus? What a lame sex life!

Shannon Burns 1 year ago

Part of it is having manners and class, I agree with some but other’s no. Together 16 year’s, married 9, highschool sweethearts♥

Krystal Mansur 1 year ago

I disagree. I did find it funny. But really. I don’t think you should hide things …

JoB 1 year ago

This October, I will have been married to my wonderful husband for 20 years! (That’s just crazy…can’t be possible!) We have always had the ‘Poop or pee, you don’t need me’ rule. Just feel like a person needs to have some privacy in their life! We’ve actually always had separate bathrooms when possible. It eliminates the need to bitch about toothpaste, feminine products, and hair in the sink! It was a huge shock, when after 17 years of marriage, we had our precious son, and since he could walk, I’ve had little privacy in there…*sigh*…

Makala Shaw 1 year ago

This is the worst article of all time. As if we don’t already have enough pressure to be fake.

Dimelsa Argueta 1 year ago

I was waiting for the part where the author said she was joking… But it didn’t happen. Was this article a joke?
I sure hope so…. If not maybe it was written back in the 40’s?! Idk…..

Joanna Anderson 1 year ago

I think the ones complaining about this and don’t find the humor are the kind of people who go to Walmart in their pajamas and house slippers. Scroll all the way down. Read, About the Author.

Jodie Vasquez 1 year ago

I think it all depends on the relationship. They type of people. My husband and I share a lot. just about everything. We have only been together 8.5 years, but the spark is still there and I don’t see it going anywhere soon. There are no set rules that everyone can follow to have a great relationship.

Nan Ferguson 1 year ago

Happily married 47 years. I sooo agree with this. Nothing wrong with a little mystery!

Lisa 1 year ago

Aaaand we’ve already broken all of these. I shoo him away when I need to wipe during AF and after pooping, but I’ll still drop the kids off at the pool while he’s in the bathroom.
When you’ve been together for close to 20 years, nothing phases you.

Meridee Chapple Kopelchuk 1 year ago

WOW people! I Enjoyed the read! You don’t like this read, move on people! Keep your negativey to yourselves!

Cristina Sasser 1 year ago

If this list works for you then kudos. But imo it is for an insecure marriage. I agree to keep mystery in a relationship, but hiding who we are as women is not how to do it. I poop, fart, pop kids out of my vagina, have periods, etc. and my man knows all this and loves me. Cause we’re all human. (although I refuse to ever poop in front of anyone, ever. Lol)

Rana Lewis Tazelaar 1 year ago

Normally I don’t comment but with all the negatives I’m giving a shout out! I laughed and enjoyed this. Some of these things happen but I agree that I’m not a fan of my husband witnessing such atrocities (together 17 years). Also pointing out that as I comment, there are 824 likes and probably 100 people bitching!

Laura Blanch Platt 1 year ago

What an incredibly disappointing and unenlightened read. Among so many other lame points that this article makes, how sad I would be if my takeaway from the primal experience of birthing our children, and having my husband help in that, was wondering if he saw my anus etc. I feel bad for someone so superficially self-absorbed. This is how you keep mystery in your marriage? Fail. The greatest mystery in my marriage is wondering how my husband manages to evolve as a partner and father everyday. That is amazing…mystery is not wondering if either of us has outsmarted science and figured out a way to digest food without pooping. Lame. Totally lame.

Maria Lipani 1 year ago

I feel bad for a man who doesn’t get to see their wives anus! Who the hell is listening to this crap?

Dana Ayers 1 year ago

TMI, but my hubby and I had visible-anus-someone-may-have-farted-yes-he-saw-my-labia sex last night after I read him this blog entry. 😉

Heather Michelle 1 year ago

Stupid. Bad advice. Get some self confidence woman! He loves you and if you aren’t getting some back door lovin’, you’re really missing out!

Janine Pacheco 1 year ago

This sucks, seriously scary mommy is so much better then this. Lady if your 40 and this is how your marriage functions that’s cool but I’m 32 and married only three years. We’ve broke. Every single one of these. Get your literal shit together, grow up.

Michelle Remmel 1 year ago

not everyone hates anal sex…kinda hard to do it if you never let him see your butthole.

Leia 1 year ago

Ditto and ditto!! :)

Rebekah Lynard Cox 1 year ago

I have a better idea. Violate all items on the list while still dating, then see if he marries you. My husband knew i took dumps and farted, yet he proposed anyway! Guess I’m just that hot :)

Jennifer Risor Caron 1 year ago

I think the person who wrote this is really 20 years old not a mature 40 year old. Very juvenile.

JoAnn Fraterrigo 1 year ago

35 years on the marriage force and we’ve both seen everything and more… Isn’t that what’s it’s about… My only thing is I feel netter with to have on lipstick..

Audrey Keith-Horton 1 year ago

So the key to marriage is never letting your husband know you’re a human being with real human body parts? I didn’t see anything on here about any hurdles he needs to jump through. Seriously, a tip is that we need to do all the laundry ourselves so he doesn’t see that we have stained underwear. What about his underwear?

Ashley Hallett 1 year ago

What a stupid, WASP-y, Stepford Wife-y bunch of bullshit.
“No, don’t let him see what my lady parts were made to do! (Birth a child) I want him to believe it is a sacred vessel for his manliness.”
BLEH! that’s me, openly puking on this article, Scary Mommy.

Jessica Vaughn-Martin 1 year ago

This is like reading Cosmo for Mormons… really Scary Mommy? You are usually better than this…

Sarah Pace 1 year ago

Pretty dumb

Ritsa Vassilakis Mazur 1 year ago

Loved this and agree with every bit of it. Nothing wrong with leaving some things to the imagination.

Charity Ford 1 year ago

Oh, goody. Something new. Judging the blogger and bashing her relationship and dishonest bull s***. Nice. Well done.

Annie Hovis-Williams 1 year ago

Hilarious

LT 1 year ago

This article frustrated me. Keeping mystery alive in a relationship is not about hiding what makes you human. I think it’s moreso about having you own exciting “lives” and passions separate from one another. Doing things that make you happy, not giving up your own life for your partner. All of these things were bodily functions and so immature. My mom and dad are a doctor and nurse and married almost 30 years, happily. My dad has checked my mom for hemmeroids more times than I can count lol. My mom has treated my dads poison ivy (which transfered from his hands when he peed) and there was no loss of respect or admiration. Love is about intimacy, yes you should dress to impress and keep things sexy, but for f$&!’s sake, hiding the fact that you have a digestive system?! Pathetic!

brandi 1 year ago

Ha! Loved this comment….hope he “wifed” you after that….or before lol….

Jen Lowe 1 year ago

How do you do backward cowgirl without him seeing your anus?

April Mier 1 year ago

Is scary mommy running out of original, interesting bloggers? Lately I find these posts to be lacking, well, anything I identify with. You used to have good stuff, what happened?

Brandy 1 year ago

Wow… I must live a totally different life…. *confused*

Theresa Lymbery 1 year ago

Stepford Wives…I think not. No secrets here, coming up to 30 years!

Tanya Louise Pond 1 year ago

Dont do any of these 14 yrs strong :) xx

Klara Anna Gabanowicz 1 year ago

That was a horrible read.

Dragon Mother 1 year ago

All my undies are black for this reason! LOL

Jen Ryker 1 year ago

Sad after all those years she is so uptight. Missing out on real intimacy if all things back door are off limits. Plus lady, he knows you poop. In fact you are so uptight he might even be worried that you don’t poop more often.

Christina Reyna 1 year ago

Except for the bathroom part I lost mystery awhile ago lmao

Tamsyn Taylor 1 year ago

I’ve been married 23 years and pretty much all the points apply.

Helen Madeupsurname 1 year ago

Sounds like a lot of effort

Bratbusters Parenting 1 year ago

Hilarious!

Rebecca Mason 1 year ago

Whoever wrote this obviously doesn’t have an honest relationship. My husband has seen me in every way possible & what do u know, we are still together after almost 12 years!!!!!! Hello! Whom ever u are, get a clue. He should know every aspect of ur being!!!!!!

Patricia Lazzara-Semen 1 year ago

funny and gross. the woman has issues. Get therapy woman!!

Emily 1 year ago

Completely agree! I’ve broken all these ‘rules’. To me, hiding such things will only bring about insecurity instead of intimacy. As women, we should never be ashamed of our periods, and the fact that it was worded as ‘aunt flo’ implies it’s something that should be kept secret. It’s time we own our bodies and all the natural functions that come with it.

Emily 1 year ago

I’ve broken all these ‘rules’ and have to disagree with this list. My husband loves me just the same, if not more, for displaying that I’m an actual human being. We don’t sugar coat or hide our true, raw selves. To me, hiding such things can only bring about insecurity instead of intimacy. He finds my farts funny, my anus is a pleasure button that he loves to touch, my Aunt Flo is nothing to hide, using the washroom in front of one another isn’t common but we don’t bat an eye when we do, and I can’t comment on the ‘beauty’ regimens because I don’t use them but I sure as heck wouldn’t be shy about it. I’m betting if I walked into the room with a pore strip on, my husband would just tease me and we’d have something to laugh about together. I think as women, we shouldn’t have to hide ourselves anymore, especially to get the ‘spark’ back. There are so many other ways of reigniting passion that don’t include being ashamed or uncomfortable in our own skin.

Anna Gilliland 1 year ago

Read this to my boyfriend, established that #2 through #6 have all been violated at some point during the past 5 years (some more than once, oh no!). Decided it’s best to never get married because we’re obviously doomed according to this. Thanks, Facebook, for providing me with links to bored housewives blogs that guide my relationships to greener pastures. I’ll be sure to cover my backside at all costs from this point forward. 😉

reb 1 year ago

I have never farted in front of him nor he in front of I… but he has seen my anus…..he would pass me the razor and probably try a nose strip….bloody undies go in a water soak in the machine…he might be aware they are there but would never mention it. We talk about poop sometimes but only when it refers to I am sick or something of that sort.

Tracy High 1 year ago

Let me get this straight. They have been married for 17 years and he has never seen her vagina or anus? Sounds like a pretty boring sex life to me.

Jessica Durham 1 year ago

haha i read it as misery at first lol

Chantelle Esteb Morris 1 year ago

I fail at numbers 1-3 lol

Michelle Vollmer 1 year ago

That’s just bullshit. If he doesn’t love the real you, all of it, wouldn’t you want to know?

Maria Guadalupe Rafael-Valadez 1 year ago

I could barely get through this, hilarious! True though, very true. Please dont let your poor husbands see your retched ass. Lol

jen 1 year ago

I have done everyone of these and then some. I’ve been with my husband 25 years…and I am 40. hell..I laugh if the bathroom stinks and he has to go in there. Maybe I am over comfortable but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Or maybe..I’m just a special kind of twisted…

Ashley Hughes 1 year ago

Love this & agree with every bit of it!

Lizzy 1 year ago

My hubby will sit on the edge of the tub and have full on conversations with me when I’m using the restroom. I just light a match, LOL. My parents are the same way. My sister and her hubby….they don’t even burp in front of each other! But we all love our spouses so, YAY!

Daphney Owen 1 year ago

If I had a retched ass as she described hers I wouldn’t want to show my husband either. Lmfao!

Deborah Elaine Zabor 1 year ago

Well, my husband and I are on the fast track to a terrible marriage then. I suppose I should just go get divorce papers tomorrow.

Kristen White Earnhardt 1 year ago

The salad bowl thing is disgusting.

Sue King 1 year ago

Always close the door when you’re using the loo..

Rebecca 1 year ago

Awesome reply!

Rebecca 1 year ago

We’ve broken all these “rules”, but I wouldn’t be with a man who doesn’t love me as me. Poop, farts, vomit, pubes, and blackheads included.

Joanna Anderson 1 year ago

People, some people actually do grow up and live in a so called holy life. Especially church goers or different cultures/religions. So, it’s possible some people have never seen their private parts. Don’t get all bent out of shape. She’s not making you do these things.

Laura Ferry 1 year ago

omg.

Abigail Mitchell 1 year ago

I also try not to pass gas in front of him also

Abigail Mitchell 1 year ago

I agree with most of these, there’s some secrets that need to remain lol but we have done certain types of sex that have to do with the booty region lol and he witnessed my c section so he’s seen my insides and saw me hobble to the bathroom with a nurse holding a humongous pad between my legs, definitely not looking my best lol but i really do agree with most of these points, especially the not going number 2 in front of each other

Danielle Robinson 1 year ago

That should have been in the post. “And if you do squeek one out pass it off as a queef” I think I peed a lil laughing so hard

Kelli Rae Nelson Spaulding 1 year ago

My husband had to clean me up down there and change my pads & bathe me after my first c-section. There was no shame whatsoever & he would do it again in a heartbeat.

Danielle Robinson Van Barneveld 1 year ago

Oh jeeze ladies who have a problem with this….. it’s supose to be funny. Laugh a fucking lil. I am sure most women have at one point or another even if it wss way back in the dating days or honey moon phase refrained for at least one of the above. I hate you ppl who read scary mommy blogs and do not have one ounce of humor in you bones….. get off and dont read it then.

I Love scary mommy blogs and all post from scarry mommy friends

Jennifer Schultz 1 year ago

I’m crying…

bugg 1 year ago

What about anal sex?what about cunnilingus?what about rim jobs?all of these wonderful things require my husband to see my anus,and you know what,he LOVES it! Ive never felt ashamed and dont think anyone ever should!

Pamela 1 year ago

My husband took care of me with cancer. He wiped my ass, cleaned up my vomit, and took care of me. This was at 22. It was one way that I knew that he was right for me. I mean hell, a man who can wipe your butt when you don’t have the strength. That is a real man.

If you can’t handle this, don’t grow old with your man.

Angela Snelson Farmer 1 year ago

That pictures crackin me up!!! Lol!!

Erin Matt 1 year ago

So what happens when you deal with a serious health crisis? Let me tell you that all of this and much more go right out the window and your love for each other and intimacy as a couple will be better for it.

Anjay K. Reed 1 year ago

18 years & I can proudly say that I haven’t done any of these things. I don’t care how comfy I get with my husband, there are some things that I want to remain private. He also doesn’t see me color my hair.

Gracie Myers 1 year ago

This is a load of bull! My husband and I love each other for who we are. Dumb post ever!

Linda Kendall-Thompson 1 year ago

I wasn’t trying to impress when on the 3rd date, I dared him to pull my finger. I was so impressed that he did and laughed that we hitched up. 19 yrs later we still laugh at a good fart joke.

Patty Croyle 1 year ago

That’s not a marriage at all geeze

Jacque Anderson Davis 1 year ago

It is to stupid to be funny or even real should be so embarrassed to have even written let alone posted.

Christine Main 1 year ago

From the sounds of it, her marriage is already sparkless…

Kate 1 year ago

That’s what I was thinking!!! How does that depict a woman as being ‘mysterious’ to her husband? I thought we marry our best friend? Someone who knows everything about you… Sorry nut all those rules are definitely for the step ford wives!!!

Tom Mahoney 1 year ago

How about this one.. Try doggy style you poor thing! He will defiantly see your anus but it will be worth it.. This is the dumbest article I’ve ever read! SMH

Kelly Whitney Clark Ureña 1 year ago

um you know when you get old that you will be wiping each others asses and showering each other. And men do like those mysterious lady parts at any time of day. I’m guilty of all the above. The only one I dont like is the pooping one because of the smell.

Heather Rotz 1 year ago

Wow, these rules would ruin most relationships. Ban pore strips in front of hubby? I mean dont get me wrong, Im not doing it on purpose but Im not going to carefully avoid timing the pore stip for his absence. Dont let him see your lady bits? Really? Men are visually oriented. He wants to see your snatch woman. Let him friggin look if he wants. Same goes for your back door. He’s seen it toots! Tell me, why in the world do you own stained undies? What kind of nasty slob are you? Take one minute with some peroxide and clean those things up BEFORE they go in the hamper you filthy nasty woman. Maybe you can carefully plan and control illness but the rest of us cant. If you get so sick and get some on him, you have a great guy who was there for you!

I only agree with you on the poop and the fart. Farting is rude and the poop, well really its my only excuse for 5 min to myself. Thats all.

Chelsea Diana Gwinnup-Botto 1 year ago

Omg so many women are infuriated about this article. It’s hilarious!

jmc123 1 year ago

Love this comment I thought I was the only one reading it thinking hmmm whelp, broke all those rules long ago! Married 4 yrs and he loves me in all my pooping/razor stealing/daytime sex(anus showing) glory. The only thing I really keep private is when I’m in the bath grooming myself. I don’t want him to see me shaving/tweezing/waxing my unwanted hair. He thinks its cute when I fart. And I’m sorry but even after a csection we have daytime sex in the light and I don’t care. He worships my whole body which yeah includes my butt! Lol and daytime quickies are commonplace with a toddler. Naptime hello!? I would be miserable in the writers marriage but to each her own if she’s happy. IMO I couldn’t spend life hiding so much though!!!

Joanna Anderson 1 year ago

I love that the father of my child saw me give birth, wore humongous maxi pads at the hospital, saw me all bloated in a hospital gown and didn’t even flinch or made a funny face or made a big deal.

Jessica Cowger 1 year ago

I have Crohns Disease so my husband has seen me at full blast diarrhea due to a colonoscopy prep. Apparently there are limited sex positions for y’all… we’ve done all of these except fart during sex. But my husband is the type of person who dares me to fart on him! As for personal items. Your blood stained underwear wouldn’t be a problem if you just wore black underwear… this was the most ridiculous thing I have read in quite some time.

Joanna Anderson 1 year ago

Some people get so maaaaa-aaad!

Dana Bodry-Hurst 1 year ago

This is freaking hilarious. Thanks for the laughs and the tips….and for putting the word ‘anuses’ in print. I just shot diet coke out my nose. Thankfully I’m alone.

Christy Bruce 1 year ago

This is dumbest blog/story I’ve ever read. Reminds me of some Desperate Housewives episode or worse The Stepford Wives. Women are exactly like men and should be allowed to be ourselves and have freedom in our own houses & marriages to be ourselves. We aren’t Barbie dolls…We burp/fart/puke/crap and then some but we Also grow then birth babies and create milk to feed them which is pretty damn impressive. This woman is sad and lonely and he’s probably cheating on her with some beer drinking chick who actually showed him her ass because he didn’t mean to marry Martha Stewart.

Amy 1 year ago

My husband had sex with me with zit cream on my face the other day. I forgot I had white dots of Proactiv’s mask stuff. You know, so I can have skin like Adam Levine’s. I think my husband is horny enough, he’ll take what he can get.

Joanna Anderson 1 year ago

Everyone is different. It’s good to still try to be a lady and a gentleman around each other. It’s respectful. Efforts are not a bad thing. Sloppiness though…it makes people think you don’t care anymore or you’ve become complacent.

Cam Comey 1 year ago

I don’t know what makes me more sad… that this woman is ashamed of her labia, that she doesn’t know how much more awesome sex is when you both laugh about the reality of it (like occasional farts), that she feels she is obligated to ‘keep a spark’ going, or that so many other people agree with her. Perhaps the rest of us are very lucky to be with a partner that works at a loving relationship without all masquerading.

Meghan Cummings 1 year ago

…. I’ll just be myself. Hes stuck with me. And im stuck with him :-)

Lindsay Laflamme 1 year ago

This is satire right?!?

Rachel Lovell Bozarth 1 year ago

If its true love you can do everything in front of echother. Me n my husband does it all. When he starts shitn tho I leave the room. Cz dam.lol. he has wiped my ass before tho.cz I had c-section and my baby ended up in Vanderbilt and I wouldnt rest or sit down til she was better so I got my self infected so bad that I had to be pushed in wheel chair an he had to wipe my butt. If that aint love idk what is.

PCH 1 year ago

Add to that list: facial waxing….or probably ANY waxing.

Lisa Novak Gallagher 1 year ago

Truth!

Magan Laczny 1 year ago

I think we’ve broken every rule on there.

Virginia Walker 1 year ago

Please…

Cheryl Day 1 year ago

I’m afraid guilty on all counts but he still loves me anyways

Brenda Adler 1 year ago

Disgusting but what can you expect from someone who thinks marriage involves “mystery”. FYI I’ve been married for 15 years and I’m 33.

Labia aren’t ugly, nor are you, your pores or anything else. Honestly I can’t believe anyone is bragging because they married someone that thinks women don’t poop.

You want spark, try open communication and honesty. You want a deep bond – try having hubby catch the baby you created together, in full daylight.

Sherri Gorter 1 year ago

I will never eat at a potluck or block party ever again! That’s just sick!

Toni Holder 1 year ago

I agree with most and would add never let them see you dye your hair. Just unflattering and not something I would want to share.

Dora Rae 1 year ago

I know this is supposed to be funny but it is pretty horrible. Her self body image is sad and what is wrong with a lot of women. I am very sorry that a) she feels she has elephant ears, b) that she feels the need to hide and be ashamed of them. Grab a mirror girls, take a look. Whatever you have down there is yours. No two are the same, there is no right way to look they are all different. No matter what it looks like you should love your body. There is no way that her husband has not seen what is down there unless he is blind no man is that slow. Oh and BTW everyone gets air in their system sooner or later no reason to stick your head in the oven.

Michelle Oakleaf 1 year ago

Totally agree!

Alison Jackson 1 year ago

This just comes off as being written by a sexist, or someone with a 50’s mentality. Idk why but i was kinda offended and sad for her. It feels so good to laugh at a fart or wear a face mask around my fiance. And he still finds me sexy lmao

Dana Jones 1 year ago

Haaha… Loving this woman and get blog. A must follow!

Melissa Johnson 1 year ago

Lame. Is this what women sit around and worry about

Stacey Kisner 1 year ago

I love this list and agree with all of them!! I always try to be a lady infront of not only my husband but everyone! There is nothing wrong with having manners!

Nikki Travis 1 year ago

My husband goes out of his way to violate almost all of these. He has gone as far as picking the lock on the bathroom door and throwing it open with a grin (so pleased with himself). We literally have zero mystery between us at this point and honestly I think its awesome. He literally accepts and embraces the good, the bad, and the gross. That in my way of thinking is real, true blue love!

Jillian Dawn 1 year ago

And now we’ve been together 4 happily disgusting years

Maria Tripp 1 year ago

He is going to know if you use his raiser. Just get your own guy one.

Jillian Dawn 1 year ago

Too late for pretty much all of those! We do that all in front of each other, and have been since about 3 months into dating lol

Melissa Corder 1 year ago

This is so dumb. I’m all for not doing bathroom functions in front of your spouse, but the rest of these are pretty much bullshit.

Rachel Stopfer 1 year ago

No one has time , or cares to be fake to their spouse….

Robbi Dawson Neel 1 year ago

It’s bad enough knowing the smell that’s come out of him. If I had to relive picturing his poop face over & over… no thanks!

Mary 1 year ago

*sigh*
we’re not even married and we have already broken all these rules lol

Rachel Stopfer 1 year ago

This is so stupid. you are married, living together. Why hide stuff…makes no sense

Jacque Huculak 1 year ago

When u poop in front of each other. .its so over!

Theresa Avila 1 year ago

Life is messy and so is marriage. We are too busy living our lives together and raising our children together to get caught up in or worry about these or any other type of do/don’t rules. And for those that hide the anus from their spouse, well that is just sad!

Kelli Rae Nelson Spaulding 1 year ago

This is stupid!

Liz Powalisz 1 year ago

So he barged in and pooped anyway

Beth 1 year ago

Sometimes they slip out! I can’t be held responsible for what other body parts do while I am concentrating on other areas 😉

Michelle 1 year ago

I have barfed on my husband–before he was my husband and he still married me. :)

Liz Powalisz 1 year ago

Yeah so my daughter’s father always had to poo when I was trying to relax in the bathtub

Rebecca Fong 1 year ago

It’s a little annoying when I click on your article link that I’m continually been taken to the App Store to download a Slot game….. Just sayin’

Angela Stephens 1 year ago

OMG! So funny but true!

Rebecca Coffey Schugg 1 year ago

LOL. I’m dying

Marjorie Setchko 1 year ago

Isn’t this post from last year?

Nicole Osborne Long 1 year ago

I disagree with all except #3 & #7.

Alexandria Cruikshank 1 year ago

Don’t like this… Seems so impersonal.

Lucy Pugliese-Richards 1 year ago

Broke all of these snd im pretty sure I have the best marriage

Irish Bz 1 year ago

Hilarious.

Margaret Smith 1 year ago

So, don’t be real around your spouse, ever. Got it.

Hannah Brown 1 year ago

I’m fucked

WDJ 1 year ago

Since I don’t get my period, he’ll never have to worry about seeing bloody underwear, but the rest?…
I guess we’d better put some divorce lawyers in speed dial.

Kelly Comer 1 year ago

Hahaha this made for a good chuckle.

Amber Moffat 1 year ago

Um….. apparently nobody does it doggy style around here.

M’Lady Jessica Renae Woldeit 1 year ago

Lol

Katy Jones 1 year ago

Agreed! Fantastic list!

OrangePrincess 1 year ago

Yessss hahaha!

I totally can see the pooping and farting ones, although we fart and we poop and we talk about it, and let me tell you it hasn’t killed…well anything LOL but I understand why lots of people like to keep that sacred, thats just OUR personal preference

…..but he doesnt SEE your labia? or your anus? Even if you aren’t into anal if you have ever done it from behind or 69 or….showered together, anuses and labia may be seen. I mean, admittedly I am into some wild sex so I’ve seen HIS too but uhm I just can’t imagine not letting him see me in daylight or never having sex from behind.

Also, we use pore strips together LOL and we drank WAY too much in our early dating days for that whole puking one, he held my hair more than once after a few too many vodka sodas.

used2bebeautiful 2 years ago

I’ve stuck to most of these, and am actually one up on no.3, I don’t do no.1 in front of my oh. BUT no. 4 went reluctantly out the window, nothing like hemorrhoids/fissures and pregnancy to require you to get the OH to examine your rear end. This post has been great to remind me to keep my mouth shut though, I all too often describe why I don’t feel sexy to my husband, I’m going to stop that now, he doesn’t need to know I’m not sexy anymore :)

aus erster Hand 2 years ago

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DWZA 2 years ago

I actually had to do this multiple times for my ex-husband while he was hospitalized for 2 months. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.

erica2 2 years ago

I have broken all of these rules, too (except the puking one, and the fart was discreet!), and I feel the same way. We started a relationship with a full-disclosure policy and it was amazing, and so we’ve kept it in place. I like that we both feel human and accept and love each other anyways. It doesn’t seem to kill the sex at all.

Stephie C. 2 years ago

I have broken all of these rules! I’ve also came into the bathroom while HE was taking #2 & put in a tampon using his leg as a prop! There is no mystery here, but he seems to love me anyway!! :-)

Irish Carter 3 years ago

I loved this article. I was laughing so hard at the truth behind it all. I thought it was me this whole time. Now I know……I am not alone in privacy matters in a marriage and it is still ok. We don’t have to know everything about each other.

Irish at Dedicated 2 Life

Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) 3 years ago

So does #4 mean you never 69?! I’ll gladly trade some mystery for a good session of oral play.

Lakota 3 years ago

Yes!

Claudia C 3 years ago

BURST out loud laughing this one.

frehley 3 years ago

I didn’t vomit on him. . . . vomited on his best friend though. I sent an apology email.

Haven’t. Drank. Patron. Since.

Jen 3 years ago

LOVE IT!! We have been married 20 years and I can proudly say the same thing (except we have 3 kids)

Kelly 3 years ago

Loved this! Sadly, I have failed on a few since like someone else, I had the “joy” of inserting a suppository for my husband only 6 months after the fairy tale wedding! No real damage done though as we will celebrate 26 years of marital bliss on Valentine’s Day.

Lisa 3 years ago

Anal Eaze and slip in slide lubrication!! You just need the right props Ladies!! But him actually looking at it, I’m not sure about that.

neo 3 years ago

I need to share this with my husband. =)

heather 3 years ago

mine doesn’t shut the bathroom door…..luckily, it’s in the master bedroom. i just don’t go in there. you forgot one:
don’t talk about our poop, and don’t listen to him talk about poop. unless you have a fount of arterial blood squirting out of your ass like a fountain, don’t tell me. i don’t want to know.

Lady Estrogen 3 years ago

NO. I truly can’t imagine.
Nor is he wiping mine! If we can’t afford a home care nurse, than show me that you really love me & smother me with a pillow.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Due to our doctor’s fondness for suppositories I have already been confronted with my husband’s anus. And yes, I have indeed had the pleasure to shove something up there.
The picture of my husband on his hands and knees, ass up… never getting rid of that.

June O’Hara 3 years ago

I’ve had moments of sheer terror during sex, praying the little pocket of air pressing gently against my anus would stay the fuck PUT.

There’s so, so much more. But I’ll leave it at that right now.

Hysterical post. Thanks.

Morgan 3 years ago

Must be. Thank goodness we found out now.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

Soooo so sensitive.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

My attitude is I don’t want to see yours so I’m definitely not going to show you mine. And yeah, giggling is a for sure mood killer. Mr. Penis is pretty sensitive.

tracey 3 years ago

I don’t WANT to be mysterious, though! I mean, mystery implies not-knowing someone and not understanding them. If he didn’t understand me, or vice versa, we wouldn’t have made it through the past 17 years.

It’s ok to keep things private, if that’s what makes you both comfortable, but I would sure as hell hope that, if need be, he would take care of me and I would take care of him; all cases included. That’s what best friends do for each other.

MILF Runner 3 years ago

Great reply!

MILF Runner 3 years ago

As Jenny Lawson might say –

Knock, Knock, motherfucker.

😉

sara 3 years ago

i think most of these are alright, but the anus one isnt realistic lol, ive seen his, hes seen mine everyone has one why be ashamed f your body parts?

Baby Sideburns 3 years ago

I soooo agree! I’m in therapy because of all the shit my hubby saw when I had a c-section. Hello, organs. Our marriage is good enough that he could see these things. But part of the reason it’s good enough is because he doesn’t!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Well, it sounds like you gals have very exciting sex, so brava to you! I on the other hand have great sex with only my front butt, not my back butt. I’m good with that. Thanks for reading and your comments!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

NOO!! Not the back door!!! 😉

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

I think my mother instilled this whole ‘don’t let anyone see your dirty underwear’ business and I’ve never let it go. Glad you liked it Keesha!!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Thanks! Hubs has seen my vomit and I’ve never seen his. And thank god, I can barely handle my kids’ vomit, I wouldn’t be able to handle his.

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Thank you for understanding!! I have poop-in-front-of-people phobias

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

We are probably best friends and don’t even know it.

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

We can only do so much right?

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

I wouldn’t wish a hemorrhoid on anyone those buggers!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

See! It IS good advice! Thanks!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

I still feel like I’m in 8th grade and Aunt Flo comes with a vengeance. Who buys white underwear, not me!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

I mean right? That’s what dishwashers are good for to sanitize!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

He doesn’t pee in front of you? You are so lucky. I wish mine would not pee so loudly in front of me. It sounds like Niagra falls hitting the toilet bowl.
Oh, do not speak of the ‘shitty’ childbirth experience. It might have happened with my son… ‘shhh’…

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Ugh, can you imagine changing his diaper when he’s old? Oh heavens. Hmm, I’ve queefed. He thinks those are cute and we giggle. But the other end, not thanks.

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

My guy didn’t even cut the cord, he was that squeamish. They asked if I wanted a mirror and I said no. It just wasn’t doing it for me! Glad you liked the post!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

I know, right?

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Glad you’re happy! That’s awesome, good for you!

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

Inappropriate giggling is definitely a no-no! Thank you for agreeing on the anus part!!

Morgan 3 years ago

I do the EXACT same things. Same rules etc. My girlfriends think I’m a nut job. Love it!!!

Credibule 3 years ago

Wow lol[] dat good

HisGirl 3 years ago

I think all of this is silly. I guess maybe I would feel this way if he was just my husband but he is so much more.
We’ve been together for 15 years. We are literally, and figuratively one… he knows me and my body better than I do (almost).
He has seen, explored and shared in every part of me (physically and spiritually).
Maybe there is no mystery left but there is something to be said about opening yourself up completely to someone willing to do the same with you (and only you).
Our sex or romantic life has not suffered even after childbirth, twins and years and years of random awkward situations.
Although, as far as the stained underwear… they get thrown out as my hubby regularly buys me pretty underthings cause he knows it makes me smile (I am sure it makes him smile too.) 😉

Valentine 3 years ago

Agreed!!

Valentine 3 years ago

Agreed! Sounds like boring sex to me! And he doesn’t see her labia in the sunlight?

We don’t poop in front of each other as a smelly courtesy but this list sounds very old fashion… hide Aunt Flo underwear? Don’t fart? Don’t use his razor? First, you should have your own razor. And he doesn’t trim? Yikees! Again, boring sex! Toss the bloody underwear and buy new ones. Don’t use the nose strips in front of him? Has he only seen you with makeup on too?

Look, I’ve been married for 10 years and read my hubby this list and he rolled his eyes and said “I’m glad I married my best friend not some Stepford wife!”

pattie 3 years ago

agree 100% If you haven’t seen each other anuses and are afraid to show him your lady bits in the daylight then sorry honey but you don’t understand men! to prove this point I read this to my hubby and he said “feel sorry for that dude” The only thing i do agree on is the poop thing, but then again I get stage fright to poop in front of ANYbody. The rest is just being human. My hubby loves those pore strip things, he even wears them!

Jenn 3 years ago

Yikes.. I am in serious violation of 98% of this. Perhaps that explains my husbands sudden lackluster attempts at intimacy. That second kids birth, I fear, has scarred him. So, once the mystery is gone, like a successful game of Clue, how do you restore it?!

Meredith 3 years ago

Okay, we’ve got #3 down, so that means we’re good to go, right? Hot, mysterious relationship maintained! What a relief.

jayzandra 3 years ago

The only one I agree with is the farting and I’ve never done it.

Mikki 3 years ago

I always do the laundry but was horrifies when one day I came home to see not only did he do the laundry but he had my undies soaking for me! Very sweet but I was horriffied! I try to keep the mystery. … try :-\

Jillian 3 years ago

Mystery, hmmm I don’t know? I’ve never puked on him and I absolutely hide the undies. I don’t violate his razor. As for the rest, well we have one bathroom and sex happens in the daylight so…

hilljean 3 years ago

I absolutely agree with the no pooping policy. My sister and her best friend will totally poop in front of each other and think that it would only be right to do so in front of their future husbands.

I know they’re just naive, but someday they will realize that there is hardly any mystery left after marriage and kids. It’s a GOOD thing to keep some things private.

Paige Kellerman 3 years ago

I try to keep the mystery there, but we shared deodorant the other day, after mine had an accident, so the mystery gap just closed a little more.

Jackie 3 years ago

Ha ha — #2 — as if my husband does ANY laundry!

Karina 3 years ago

Thank you sooooooo much for this!!! This is sooooo me!!

Nicole(Whole Strides) 3 years ago

Exactly. If you’ve ever done doggy style, unless it’s pitch black, he’s seen your anus!

Annette 3 years ago

Thank you for saying what I was thinking! Missionary under the covers only? My husband delivered our middle child (he came before the midwife made it) and let’s just say the baby wasn’t the only thing that squeezed out. Nothing is sacred in our house.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Well, I can say with 100% honesty, I am only 5% mysterious. And that 5% is because I never use his razor.

Annette 3 years ago

Thank you for saying what I was thinking! Missionary under the covers only?

Lisa 3 years ago

AGREE!!

Lisa 3 years ago

I %100 know my husband is a keeper!! Poop, pee, butthole, dirty undies, fart, all of it!! I still get molested!!!

Anna 3 years ago

this is too funny. i’m sure i’ve puked on my husband, i’m not proud of it but we’ve been together an awful long time and those kids are always bringing home pukey illnesses.

Karen 3 years ago

agree

Carolyn O’Brien 3 years ago

I literally laughed out loud!!! So funny!!!

Melissa 3 years ago

We have basically agreed that I do laundry, ALWAYS and he does it NEVER! Well now the kids are old enough so they help, haha. He will never see me poo, I unfortunately have walked in on him…and yes I have been forever scarred (my sinus’s have hated me since). Now #1 is an odd thing when it comes to him, I’m not allowed to see him pee, but its ok for him to see me but heaven forbid I tinkle while I’m on the phone with him…really!? We have been together for 8 yrs, married for 7. I have once farted during sex….couldn’t help it, horrid air bubble and got shook up and it broke loose lol…its an on going now! I have never vomited on my hubby, been close a few times but that’s only because he holds my hair :-)

Kathy at kissing the frog 3 years ago

Except for the farting and the puking, he has seen it all. No mysteries in our house.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

I could never pee or #2 in front of the Hubs. And I don’t want to see him do that, either. I spend much of my days watching little kids poop and I don’t need to see a grown man do it, too. Talk about a romance killer.

Nicole(Whole Strides) 3 years ago

If he hasn’t seen your anus and you haven’t seen his, it would seem that you have some pretty boring sex! LOL. That is one that I have no intention of following.

MILF Runner 3 years ago

0-for-7.

4 put the spice back.

#dontknockittillyouvereallytriedit

Keesha 3 years ago

I would not poop in front of anyone! Why would I want to subject anyone to that?! Brava for me -I met your checklist! Woo-hoo! Except for the underwear thing – I am way too lazy. Hilarious post, Frugie. And congrats!

Melissa 3 years ago

Hahaha! Great post.
I’m guilty of everything except #5. He has seen me vomit, does that count?? I actually feel being that open has helped our marriage. Been together 12yrs, 7 of them married.

Toulouse 3 years ago

Around our house, we believe in maintaining some mystery as well. We vowed never to go to the bathroom in front of each other when we got together. However, we weren’t planning for the first house we lived in when we got married, which had only one bathroom. Most of the time we managed to abide by our rule but there were one or two occasions during which he was in the shower and I had a poop emergency. Still give me douche-chills to think about it.
It was a blessed day when we moved into a house with more than 1 bathroom.
Love this post!

Hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I’m afraid I’m in violation on 1 and 2, and maybe 4 thanks to a similar childbirth situation, although I pretend like he didn’t see anything. I think I’m good on the rest, and I plan to keep it that way!

Tara 3 years ago

Sadly, my husband has seen my anus, as in “oh my god I think the baby is coming out of my butt!! What do you mean it’s just hemorrhoids?!!??”

Lisa Gonzalez 3 years ago

lol..great post wish I knew these before we got married.

Arnebya 3 years ago

This was supposed to be a response to My Half Assed Life. But I also have to go back and say I agree w/#2 (and am glad I’m not the only grown ass woman STILL MESSING UP HER DRAWERS WHAT THE HELL). But #3? Can’t do it. I often wonder “what the hell did I eat?” There is no way to hide that even with three bathrooms in the house.

More importantly: WHY DIDN’T BARBIE PUT THE DAMN SEAT DOWN FIRST?

Deanna Piercy 3 years ago

We’ve been married 31 years and I tend to agree with this. We don’t even pee in front of one another.

Arnebya 3 years ago

LOL Mr Penis is sooooooooo sensitive. Ain’t nobody laughing at you, fool; keep going!

Mary Beth 3 years ago

Oh my goodness…I just about died laughing about the puke/salad bowl. As someone with a small kitchen with limited cabinet space, our bowls are very…um…multipurpose!

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

So true. My husband won’t even pee in front of me. See, romance is not dead. However, some unspeakable *shit* happens during childbirth. He tried to talk to me about it once and I put my hand over his mouth. SHHHHHHHH, Honey…just be pretty. So great, Frug! xo

Lady Estrogen 3 years ago

Excellent points!
I farted once, but I laughed it off as a queef… but it totally was a fart. Shhh.

He is well aware (and in agreement) that our “in sickness” vow does NOT include having to wipe each other’s bums — ever.

Regina 3 years ago

Um yeah, I giggled through this. The whole hubby holding the leg up, totally reminds me of when I had my daughter and I forced my husband to stay by my side and keep his eyes on mine, so he wouldn’t see blood and get all wobbly.

What he’s saw, we don’t talk about.

Love your story!

LynnZMbH 3 years ago

Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree 100% I’ve been with my man for 8+ years and I’m pretty sure he’s still convinced that I don’t poop or fart ever. Very important to keep sexy time… sexy.

anna see 3 years ago

This is so funny! Thanks for the reminders. :)

tiffany 3 years ago

Lmao

Katey 3 years ago

You are too funny! And I totally agree!

Kim 3 years ago

LOL!!! Love this!!!!

erica 3 years ago

I’ve broken ALL these rules. I have vomited on him, he has seen my anus and all my insides thanks to an awesome csection. But, overall I wouldnt want it any other way! :) imo

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

I don’t care how intimate you are with somebody, some things are meant to be private. Especially anuses.

Farting during sex – definite no-no. It starts the giggles. Once the giggles start, Mr. Penis will think everyone is laughing at him and so much for sexy time.