9 Somewhat Gross Things You Can Do In The Name of Efficiency

Have you ever made a personal sacrifice to save time? Here are 9 secrets to become a more efficient mom.

1. Wear the same bra several days in a row. No one needs to know this happens. It’s not like wearing panties two days in a row. That would be gross.

2. Wear the same yoga pants several days in a row. I don’t even need to justify second day (third day?) yoga pants. They don’t have buttons, making you a more efficient pisser. They fit no matter how bloated you are from last night’s Chinese binge. Throw on a tunic and you are dressed up. Yoga pants are like Christian Grey – they support your ass and still look good dirty.

3. Pee in the shower. This secret is a little embarrassing. You don’t have to admit it, but as soon as that hot water hits your body you let out a golden river. Hey, it’s a personal hygiene sacrifice on the altar of time. Anyway, I hear urine is sterile.

4. Only poop before you take a shower. That’s right. Just hold it. I like to think of this as a triple threat. It gets you a few extra minutes in the bathroom, it’s a great excuse to lock the door, and you don’t have to wipe so hard. Your hemorrhoids will rejoice.

5. Don’t wash your feet. You are standing in a puddle of soapy water. Shuffle around. Ta da! It’s like magic! But make sure all the pee went down the drain before you start the hokey pokey.

6. Only shave the bottom half of your legs. Now that you don’t need to wash your feet, you might have an extra minute to shave your legs. But only the bottom half, and make sure you use your shampoo for lubrication, because no one has time to buy separate shaving cream.

7. If all else fails, take a wipe bath. Pits, tits, and naughty bits. Put that wipe to work.

8. Do not fold fitted sheets. Who does this, anyway? Yes, I’ve seen the video about how easy it is to fold fitted sheets. I say, screw that noise! Ball them up and throw them in the closet. No one cares, anyway.

9. Fitted sheets? Skip laundry folding, period. I HATE folding laundry. Washing and drying is not too bad, but folding is hell.

Consistent use of secrets two and three means you generate significantly fewer dirty items than the rest of your family. You should be rewarded for your frugal clothing habits. Tell your significant other that if he wants to reap the benefits of your new shaving cream, he should tackle the laundry pile. Then sit back and enjoy your designer coffee. You earned it.

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