This parenting thing is hard business. We do, and we do, and we do, and then we do some more. Because we love our kids, we wanted them, we made them, and we carried them. And then we had them.
Sometimes, being a mom feels shitty. I’m not gonna review all the reasons why, ’cause if you’re reading this, you already know.
I talked to a high school friend tonight—a fierce friend with a killer IQ and loyalty that can’t be replicated. Now now she’s a mom, and some people have made her feel less because of that fact, and that enraged me. My anger made me realize moms need some daily affirmations. We need to remind ourselves that we are awesome. We are kick ass. We rule.
So, here they are: Momfirmations. Feel free to recite these every morning while you look in the mirror and brush your teeth, or breastfeed, or poop, whatever.
1. “I’m a badass bitch.” I made a person. I made a fucking person! Or I adopted a person, or I was a surrogate for a person, or a wet-nurse for a person, or I married someone with a person. Whatever it may be, I’m a badass bitch.
2. “I’m a human with feelings.” When you become a mom, people forget you even exist, and suddenly it’s all about your kid. Ugh. Fuck those people. You are a human, and you need to be loved just like everybody else does. Yeah, that shit is true. Morrissey said so. And that’s some gospel right there.
3. “You don’t know me.” When strangers give you the stink eye, repeat this over and over again in your head, “You don’t know me. You don’t know me. You don’t know me.” And when they give you massive, extra stink eye because your kid is being a dick (because kids are often dicks), ask if they have candy or gum or a fifth of vodka in their pocket. If no? Screw them. If yes? Instant BFF.
4. “They don’t get it because they suck.” This is for those of your pre-kids friends who don’t get it. It’s because you’re amazing and you juggle. You can do all the things with only two hands, and they can’t do shit because they are too busy shopping at Whole Foods. They are pissed about your gluten intake. They aren’t cool enough or fun enough to discuss where poops come from or how Barney became purple. They don’t deserve to know you anymore. You can move those people out of your circle of friends to the sixth circle of “I don’t know you anymore” and feel fine about it. More than fine. Beyond fine. You deserve better.
5. “You can. You will. You’re the best at what you do.” When you think you can’t do it anymore, remember: Your kids know how you roll, and you’re amazing at your job. They love you, they need you, and they wouldn’t understand the world without you. These kids are still alive because of you. You made them lunch; they ate it. No one has lice (yet) and you’ll be the one to comb that shit out when it happens. You are a gem. A treasure. You are the coveted prize in the Cracker Jack Box. You are one in a million.
The real secret to being a mom isn’t an actual secret. It’s a parlor trick. It’s a smoke-and-mirrors, Vegas-laden trade rule that is rarely spoken about in public. But I’ll tell you—I’ll tell you because you deserve to know. I’ll tell you to remind myself, and I hope that you’ll share it when another mom needs to hear it. So, come over here. Closer. No, even closer. Are you ready?
The secret comes from the amazing times. The times when your baby blows you a kiss, or says, “Mama,” or enjoys a meal that you slaved over. The secret is in the moment when someone says, “Wow, you’ve really got this mom thing on lock,” and you are shocked because in reality you don’t have a damn clue what you’re doing, or when you survive a family meal in a restaurant unscathed, or when a bubble bath is cute as opposed to treacherous. Those moments make up the secret. If you can take all those little moments and lump them into a ball in your mind—a little file folder of good memories, euphoric times that