We have all been balls of anxiety, worrying at every turn, since COVID-19 entered our lives. At first, I was concerned about keeping my kids from catching it. Then, I didn’t know if I could handle online learning. and shit got real (quite literally) when we all had diarrhea and the stores were out of toilet paper.
That was just the first two weeks. Who knew things could get any worse? Having a deadly virus spread throughout the earth while having a President who has the intelligence of a bag of dicks is heavy enough.
But the universe didn’t agree, and decided to throw some other interesting things into the mix. Like aggressive rats.
Oh yes, you read that right. The CDC explains that since there are fewer restaurants open, that means less food scraps for rate to sink those sharp, yellow teeth into. This is going to cause the varmints with fangs that can probably bite off your pinky toe in one snap (I don’t know that for sure, but this is where my dark thoughts take me) to be even more aggressive than they already are because they are hungry.
It’s my worst nightmare coming true.
“Some jurisdictions have reported an increase in rodent activity as rodents search for new sources of food. Environmental health and rodent control programs may see an increase in service requests related to rodents and reports of unusual or aggressive rodent behavior,” reports the CDC’s rodent control page.
My butt cheeks and jaw are clenched, and my toes are curled so tight I feel like I can never relax again. Also, where is the fucking Tylenol?
I can’t leave out the murder hornets, which were sighted in Washington State, and are still fresh in our minds, can I? People are going to the Googles to learn how to kill hornets and entomologists are worried this could wipe out valuable insects.
Since people are ordered to stay at home, many swear they are seeing the killers in their own backyards, but The Washington Post reports, ‘There have been zero confirmed sightings of the Asian giant hornet in the United States or Canada in 2020.” So can we all please calm the fuck down on this one?
You’d think lying down for a nice snooze would be something we can enjoy during this time (when we aren’t having nightmares about killer insects and rats gnawing at our toenails. But no. We are all having strange, vivid dreams since COVID-19. so there goes our beauty rest. People are reportedly having dreams and nightmares that they are being attacked by swarms of bugs, are too close to people who may be sick and have forgotten their mask, or are being locked up in jail, according to a Harvard researcher.
But wait. There’s more.
As if that weren’t enough, I certainly can’t forget the day my son came downstairs after we hadn’t left these four walls in weeks to inform me that “aliens are real.” Come to find out, there has been footage of UFOs circulating for years, but the Pentagon decided to release the videos during a global crisis where everyone is uncertain of everything … for good measure, I guess.
If you soothe your anxious soul by, say, watching bunny videos on YouTube, you should also know they are having a crisis of their own; RHDV-2. “It is highly contagious, and if left unchecked, capable of wiping out America’s dozen-plus species of rabbits and their ecosystems,” according to the California Fish and Wildlife Department.
RHDV-2 is not contagious to humans but has some of the same symptoms as COVID-19, according to CBS News.
But hold up: people are now freaking the fuck out over flying spiders, saying they are coming to invade us in June.
I have good news though: This is a false alarm. These mini spider men are not coming to take us away. Nor are they some new version of a spider formulated during COVID-19 (although at this rate, I feel like anything is possible).
According to Republic World, these arachnids belong to the Larinioides Sclopetarius species and have been around for a while, known to leap from the tall buildings of Chicago during the summer months.
They can’t fly either, they travel by wind — so put this fear out of your mind and remember not to believe everything you read on Twitter. That’s a silver lining if you ask me. Now, we can all use our energy to worry about other things.
I mean, who needs to fret about spiders anyway when a swarm of gross cicadas is about to swoop down (er, crawl up?) on us? They only emerge every 13-17 years, but decided that this year was the perfect time. Go fucking figure.
It seems like people enjoy throwing in as many mindfucks as possible while we are all locked up at home fighting for our health. It’s hard to know what’s true and what isn’t.
But just to be safe, I’m literally never leaving my house again. Solidarity.
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