To the man I fell in love with in the days when I had no worries, to my two beautiful darlings who make everything brighter, to my family who keep everything going with their endless support, and to my friends who I’ve been rubbish to for too long: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for shouting.
I’m sorry for snapping.
I’m sorry for being grumpy.
I’m sorry for not being much fun these days.
I’m sorry for crying.
I’m sorry for not seeing the brighter side.
I’m sorry for rarely laughing.
Sometimes, after changing that millionth diaper and being up all night worried sick about a child; sometimes, after running out of Tylenol and forgetting a doctor’s appointment; sometimes, after not being able to convince your toddler to eat anything or your baby to stop crying, sometimes, after answering the why question 1700 times in a day while you still have a headache – sometimes it’s hard to see the funny side and it’s hard to see things rationally.
I don’t want to make excuses for all of this. Milin is two, Jasmin is nine months today – I’m probably not even a ‘new mum’ anymore. But I am a mum of two very young children who still has no idea what she is doing. I’m still learning this thing that is motherhood. I’m still navigating the maze of parenting. I’m still getting it really wrong, all the time.
I don’t want to make excuses. But along with my apology, I want you to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient and snappy woman you now see before you isn’t the woman I thought I would be.
I wish I was still that woman who made you smile because she tried to be entertaining. I wish I was still that woman who didn’t care about the consequences – fun came first. I wish I was still that woman who you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but your silly joke. I wish I was still that woman who had the confidence to believe in herself and simply accept that everything would work out. I wish I was still that woman who had the energy and patience and creativity to make life more fun.
Maybe, one day, I’ll find her again.
But right now, she’s lost. She’s lost to the mum who is tired and worried. She is lost to the mum who just wants a break some days. She is lost to the mum who is still messing stuff up when it matters.
Please, bear with me, smile at me, still try to make me laugh. I don’t know if I deserve that, but just stay with me a while.
That other woman will be back.
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