Bad news? Your kid probably isn’t going to get out of childhood totally unscathed by your parenting. The good news? You’re here, which means you care.
Caring counts for a lot in the parenting realm. And the truth is, no one makes it out of childhood without a few quote-unquote battle scars — humans are inherently imperfect, so our parenting is too. Having said that, we all want to do our best to minimize the mess-ups, right? This naturally makes us seek out insight about different parenting styles. While psychologists have identified four core styles — authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved, as well as the more modern and recent styles like positive, free-range, or attachment parenting— we’ll be breaking down examples of authoritative parenting and how it impacts your child in the long run.
While there is literally not one style of parenting, and they go beyond these four specific types, identifying what unique approach works for you, your kids, and your family is what’s ultimately most important.
What are the four types of Baumrind parenting styles?
Here’s a little backstory. In the 1960s, a developmental psychologist named Diana Baumrind conducted a series of studies at the University of California, Berkeley. Through that research, she picked up on a pattern: preschoolers exhibited distinctly different types of behavior. Baumrind noticed that the types of behavior the children were displaying were connected to the way they were parented.
From there, she identified three unique parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive or indulgent. In 1983, researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin added a fourth style based on Baumrind’s research: uninvolved or neglectful parenting. These four styles continue to serve as the framework for contemporary models of parenting.
What is authoritative parenting?
It helps before diving into the definition of a parenting style to think about the styles in terms of a square with four quadrants. Each quadrant signifies a combination of a parent’s demandingness of their child and their responsiveness to their child’s needs. The top left quadrant would be authoritarian (high demandingness, low responsiveness), the lower left quadrant would be uninvolved (low demandingness, low responsiveness), the lower right quadrant would be permissive (low demandingness, high responsiveness) and, finally, the top right quadrant would be authoritative (high demandingness, high responsiveness).
“Authoritative parenting is characterized by being firm but fair. It represents the middle ground between passivity and aggression,” Damon Nailer, a parent educator with the Children’s Coalition of Northeast Louisiana, explained to Scary Mommy. “The characteristics of this type of parenting include clear rules/boundaries; reasonable expectations; open, two-way communication; consistent positive discipline; nurturing care; and quality time spent interacting/bonding.”
Not surprisingly then, authoritative parenting is generally looked upon by psychologists as the happy medium and most desirable of the four styles.
What is an example of authoritarian parenting?
So, now you know that an authoritative parent is firm, yet nurturing. They set reasonable expectations and support their children in meeting those expectations. Dr. Fran Walfish — Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV and WEtv — describes an authoritative parent as an “approachable” parent. She elaborated, “This person can be reasoned with. This parent has the ability to hold things together. They are great at managing a crisis. This parent is dependable. You can predict the response you will get from them.”
What does that look like in real life? We asked Suzie Zeldin, the co-founder of SmartSitting: a childcare agency that supports families by providing personalized childcare and creating meaningful relationships between parents, children and the babysitters/nannies who care for them. In order to foster these healthy relationships, Zeldin encourages an authoritative approach from both parents and caregivers. Plus, as she told us, she and her husband rely on authoritative parenting with their own children.
“We take a lot of time explaining things to our toddler and we hold him accountable for his actions, even at the young age of three. For example, we’ll take the time to explain that if he throws his matchbox car again, we’re going to put it up on a high shelf and he can have it back at the end of the day. We’ll explain that throwing matchbox cars is dangerous and can hurt people, like his little brother. We want to keep everyone safe, so if we see him throwing his matchbox cars, we will have to take them away,” Zeldin explained.
“We do this with a lot of love and care, remaining calm and deliberate the whole time,” she continued. “If he throws that matchbox car, we follow through with our words. We don’t put it up on the shelf angrily or in frustration; we simply execute on our boundary and then help him handle his feelings (oh boy, there are feelings!).”
Does authoritative parenting work?
You probably already have a sneaking suspicion the answer here is yes, right? Granted, all parents are different and there are countless variables to consider that may influence the effectiveness of any given parenting style. However, the general consensus is that authoritative parenting is the way to go.
“Parenting experts and scientific research support the idea that the authoritative parenting style (high in both demandingness and support) is the most successful at raising well-adjusted children, although parenting approaches are highly culturally specific and this idea may not hold true in all cultures,” said Your Parenting Mojo podcast creator Jen Lumanlan. “Children need to understand that parents can function as a ‘container’ for them — we set expectations for their behavior that form a framework, and allow them freedom within that framework. Authoritarian parenting in Western cultures is the style most likely to raise children who grow up believing that their parents’ values are the ones they want to use to raise their own children.”
What are the possible effects of authoritative parenting on a child?
The combination of clear expectations, firm boundaries, and plenty of nurturing can have incredible benefits for kids. “Children from these homes are more cheerful, independent, cooperative, and achievement-oriented,” said clinical psychologist and Touro College professor/deputy psychology chair Elie Cohen. Plus, as Lumanlan pointed out, children who grow up with authoritative parents tend to model their own parenting after this balanced approach once they have their own kids.
Of course, that isn’t to say that every single child of authoritative parents will experience the same outcome. “Although this applies to most people, there is also another factor at play, which is the ‘goodness of fit’ model,” cautioned Cohen, adding, “This suggests that some kids, due to their unique temperament, might need a different style to excel. Additionally, there are some cultures where authoritarian parenting has far more positive outcomes than in the U.S.”
The takeaway? If authoritative parenting doesn’t seem to be working for your family, your child might respond better to a different approach — or a combination of approaches. Don’t be afraid to experiment until you find the right fit.
What is the difference between authoritative parenting and authoritarian parenting?
On the surface level, it’s easy to confuse these two. After all, the words look and sound nearly identical! But they’re actually pretty far apart in terms of approach and efficacy.
“The difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is that the authoritarian parent is typically extremely firm and rigid. High emphasis is placed on rules and regulations without much flexibility; some of the expectations are too high and unrealistic; the communication is one-way; and there is not much time spent bonding and interacting,” said Nailer.
Authoritative parenting is still firm, Nailer pointed out, but there’s a pronounced warmth involved in authoritative parenting that you won’t find with authoritarian parenting. “Authoritative parenting is one of the most effective parenting styles because it empowers the child to become independent. They are allowed to make decisions and communicate their opinions without facing harsh consequences. It enables the child to become confident due to receiving affection, support, and praise. And it helps the child developmentally, emotionally, and spiritually as a result of receiving adequate attention and appropriate correction.”
What is the difference between authoritative and permissive parenting?
While both types of parents value their child’s emotional well being above all else, authoritative parents don’t eschew discipline or age-appropriate punishment like permissive parents do. Unlike their counterpart, authoritative parents enforce fair rules for their children, all while making clear the reasoning behind them. They don’t avoid conflict at all cost when it comes to their children.
Where permissive parents resort to bribing to get their children to behave, authoritative parents have no problem saying no if need be. Authoritative parents set clear boundaries, expectations, and are consistent.
What should you do if one parent is authoritative and the other is not?
Listen, it happens! In fact, that’s pretty much how partnerships and marriages work — you’re not always going to be on the same page. If you are, you should be placed in a giant glass cloche for study and observation.
Even parents who are mostly on the same page sometimes find themselves butting heads. In these instances, each parent should play to their strengths. As Zeldin, who has adopted an authoritative parenting approach along with her husband, confessed, “Despite my best efforts, I lean more permissive than my husband, which frequently backfires and it can be harder for me to keep my big little one in line. Since I can be more permissive, he pushes me more.”
In any case, communication is key. “I always recommend communicating your goals for your children so that others can support you by participating and reinforcing what you’re establishing in your home. This goes for spouses, extended family, and childcare providers. It all comes back to communication,” underscored Zeldin. “At the end of the day, we’re all going to have our outlying moments. Moments of being too permissive. Or not permissive enough. Or too strict. Or too rushed or too frustrated to explain something to our kids. Just remember, it’s all the in-between moments that truly add up!”
What should you do if you realize you’re an authoritative parent?
Um, stay the course? In all seriousness, keep up the good work but don’t forget to give yourself grace in those moments where you veer more toward an authoritarian or indulgent approach. We change as our children do, and there’s no one way to parent all the time.
Quotes on parenting and authoritative parenting
“Authoritative parents are firm but gentle with their children. They take the time to learn about child development and know at which stage their children are developmentally in order to gain a better understanding of their children’s behaviors. Authoritative parents set firm, realistic boundaries and limits for their children based on the developmental stage of their children. While these parents stick to their guns on some things, such as bedtime and not allowing their children to eat cookies before suppertime, they always listen to all of their children’s feelings and validate those feelings.” — Stephanie G. Cox, author of Gentle Firmness
“They [the parents] monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” — Diana Baumrind
“We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future,” Franklin D. Roosevelt, President of the United States
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.” — Peter Krause, actor
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.” — Sue Atkins
“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.” — Bill Ayers
“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” — Jill Churchill
“Your children are not your children, they come through you, but they are life itself, wanting to express itself.” — Wayne Dyer
“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.” –Anne Frank
“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by their talk.” — Carl Jung
“When you hold your baby in your arms the first time, and you think of all the things you can say and do to influence him, it’s a tremendous responsibility. What you do with him can influence not only him, but everyone he meets and not for a day or a month or a year but for time and eternity.” — Rose Kennedy
“Listen to the desires of your children. Encourage them and then give them the autonomy to make their own decision.” – Denis Waitley
“By loving them for more than their abilities we show our children that they are much more than the sum of their accomplishments.” -Eileen Kennedy-Moore
“A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to.”-Robert Brault
“Say ‘no’ only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine.” -Gretchen Rubin