Most of us have had the random urge to have another baby, even when we know in our hearts that we should probably stick to the little monsters that are currently deconstructing our homes. I have seen a lot of crazy things happen to people while they are fighting that feeling to reproduce. That crazy cat lady that everyone knows? She definitely started out as someone who wanted just one more kitty. I’m also pretty sure every person on Hoarders just wanted one more telephone book and simply got carried away.
So, for when you feel that you are done having kids and that overwhelming need to populate the Earth randomly comes over you, here are some do’s and don’ts:
Do take up some kind of sporty exercise.
You can burn off all of that reproduction-hyped sexual energy and, when you glance at yourself in the gym mirror, remember what destruction the previous kids did to your will to live.
Don’t start buying puppies.
You know who you are. Sure, they’re cute, but I read that dogs don’t even like hugs. So save yourself some money and a forever-poopy lawn and just stay away from the obsessive pet shopping.
Do get food poisoning.
This is a great way to maintain nostalgia for pregnancy puking and general misery.
Don’t hold any newborn babies.
I repeat, step away from the newborn. They may look like sweet piles of baby powder and snuggles, but other people’s newborns are a trick! Never forget that they will eventually turn into toddlers.
Do wake yourself up every hour on the hour.
After waking yourself each time, place vise grips on your nipples for 30 minutes. This is pretty self-explanatory.
Don’t look at your children’s newborn baby pictures with a false sense of what went down.
They may look adorable and your uterus may start shouting at you, but reproductive organs are always liars. That sweet baby that you are looking at will eventually grow up to shove marbles up his nose on the day you are supposed to go on vacation.
Do look at pictures of yourself when your children were newborns.
Especially that one picture three days postpartum where you look like Jabba the Hutt and are still wearing a diaper for all the random shit that is falling out of your body.
Don’t envision your youngest child as the best big brother/sister ever.
They will pinch that baby behind your back and probably tell you to take them back to the baby store every day for a year.
Do invite very pregnant women over to your house.
They will talk you down, I’m sure of it.
Don’t tell yourself that you just don’t feel “complete.”
You are complete. Another baby will just up your chances of having one of your offspring turn out like crazy Uncle Marvin.
Do examine your finances.
And then imagine taking away $304,480, which is how much it will cost you to get that twinkle in your eye to the age of eighteen. What the actual fuck?
Don’t torture yourself over the possibilities.
Just enjoy the little shits you have already created and realize how lucky you are.
Do write down your life goals.
How much would another baby interfere with what you actually want to be doing? If not at all, get some life goals.
Don’t sugarcoat how huge of a life change it would be.
I have heard people say, “Another kid would be just another body in the bathtub!” True. But if you can, try to be really honest with yourself while you are in a random thrall of baby desperation and remember that one time you woke up with poop in your hair. Poop. In. Your. Hair.
So, if you really, really want another rugrat, just go for it.
But if your real self does not want another kiddo to schlep and you find yourself suffering baby fever, bookmark this list.
And go buy some vise grips.