Please Don't Let This Vaginal Sound System For Fetuses Be The Next Must-Have Shower Gift

by Ashley Austrew

This speaker lets you play music in your vagina. No, really.

When we find out we’re expecting a baby, we make sacrifices: we take giant vitamins, kiss pants with buttons goodbye, and resign ourselves to nine or so months without a stiff drink or a full night’s sleep. We do it because we want to give our babies the best start, but how far are we willing to go in order to do that? Where do we draw the line? I’ll tell you where: we draw it at putting speakers in our vaginas to play music for our fetuses.

A company has actually invented a device called the BabyPod. It’s a small, round speaker that you plug into your iPhone (or other music-playing device) and then insert into your vagina like a tampon so you can play music for your unborn child. It looks like this:

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Sure, you could just play music through regular speakers or put headphones on your belly like a normal person, but don’t you want the music inside you? Don’t you want your fetus to feel like he or she is trapped in a nightclub and can never escape? Of course you do, and that is why you need this tiny jukebox in your underpants.

The makers of the BabyPod say it’s creation was based on research by the Institut Marquès that shows fetuses can hear sounds as early as 16 weeks gestation, and music has a stimulating effect on their brains. According to their website, you need BabyPod because placing a speaker inside the vagina helps “overcome the barrier formed by the abdominal wall” so the baby can hear sounds with “as much intensity and clarity as when emitted.” You’ve gotta’ make sure Junior knows all the words to “Shake It Off.” We don’t want any of those pesky abdominal interferences.

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BabyPod is available all over the world and retails for $135, making it the most expensive and least absorbent tampon ever. In addition to the speaker, you also get auxiliary headphones, a case, and a satin storage bag — because your vagina speaker deserves only the best. Oh, everything is also pink, because any other color just wouldn’t make it obvious enough that this speaker was intended for use by the ladies.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using a glorified pink earbud to stimulate your fetus, if that’s what moves you. It’s just kind of a hilarious concept. For all we know, our babies like the muffled sounds they hear in utero and don’t want a private concert or an 18-weeks-gestation foreign language tutorial. But, who am I to judge? Maybe a decade from now all babies will be born speaking twelve languages and with an innate knowledge of Mozart’s 41 symphonies, and we’ll wish that we, too, had sent a mixtape blasting through our cervixes.