We may not all have beards, but most of us can admit that this form of facial hair is a glorious thing. Just consider the way it conforms to the molds of the face. Or the fact that countless products have been created specifically for it, from beard oil to beardaments (AKA holiday season ornaments for the beard, which is totally a thing). If you’re anything like us, you appreciate beards for their aesthetics — but also because they can be pretty funny, too. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of beard jokes or beard puns, you know that this type of facial hair is made for comedic fodder.
In fact, there’s something about hair or the lack thereof that lends itself particularly well to a good punchline. Take, for instance, actual jokes about hair and good-natured zingers about going bald. No matter what hair comedy you’re in the market for, you’ll find it (probably along with some rather useful hair tips along the way). But since we’re so partial to beards, we’re going to focus on this most spectacular form of follicular growth.
So, if you like big beards and you cannot lie, you’re going to love the following beard jokes and puns.
Best Beard Jokes and Puns
- What do you call a goat with a beard?
- What do you call a person who shaves 20 times a day and still ends the day with a beard?
- What is an old and wise dragon?
A bearded dragon.
- Why don’t people with beards need a vacuum?
They already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
- What do you call a bald chemistry teacher with only a beard?
- What happened to the man who was hesitant about having a beard?
It eventually grew on him.
- Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
- What did hipster Darth Vader say to his clean-shaven henchman?
“I find your lack of beard disturbing!”
- Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
- My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest…
It’s neck and neck right now.
- What are a beard’s favorite nuts?
- Why did the man sue the barber for touching his beard?
He saw it as hairassment.
- What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
- How many bearded men does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to actually do the job, and nine others to compliment each other’s beards.
- Why did the man with a receding hairline decide to grow his beard?
He was trying to plan a head.
- Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?
If he didn’t, things would get a bit hairy.
- Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
- Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
- Why did the bearded man’s shaving product business flop?
Because of the razor-thin margins.
- Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
- Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
- What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
- What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?
“I’ve been hair before!”
- What did the man say before shaving off his beard?
“Hair goes nothing!”
- Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?
The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!
- Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
- Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?
He wanted a hairytale ending.
- Why did the toy airplane land on the bearded man’s face?
He had a strip on it.
- Where are bearded prisoners sent?
- Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
- Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
- Why was Ivan Pavlov’s beard so soft, smooth, and well-maintained?
He conditioned it.
- Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
- Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
- What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
- What is a pirate’s favorite kind of facial hair?
- What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
- What did the fancy bearded goat order at the cafe?
- What is a bearded hipster’s least favorite basketball team?
The Los Angeles Clippers.
- Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?
He’s a bald-faced liar.
- Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
- Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
- Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
- Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
- Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
- Why couldn’t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?
He couldn’t get to the root of it.
- Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
- What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
- Who helped Obi Wan’s beard?
His name was Darth Braider.
- Who shaves a rabbit’s beard?
- Why are the beard and mustache on bad terms?
They can’t gel with each other.
- Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
- What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
- Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
- What did Black Beard’s otolaryngologist charge for his services?
- What did Lord Eddard Stark tell his friends when it got chilly outside?
Winter is coming and so are the Santa beard jokes.
- I was thinking of getting rid of the beard,
But I’ve had it for so long that at this point, it makes the decisions for me.
- When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
This article was originally published on