112 Best Anti Jokes To Tell, To Ruin A Party Or Two – Scary Mommy

112 Anti Jokes If Your Inspiration (Or Humor) Is Running Dry

October 7, 2019 Updated November 13, 2020

two friends laughing
PETER MULLER / GETTY IMAGES

Jokes are funny… sometimes. Sometimes, bad jokes are so bad they’re good. And other times, the funniest thing you can do is tell an anti joke. What’s an anti-joke, you ask? An anti joke is one where the person on the receiving end is anticipating a punchline, yet something so simple, dry, or even dark is delivered. They’re not quite dark jokes, but right in that territory.

If you think you’re alone in looking for anti jokes, well, you’re not. According to the latest search data available to us, anti jokes are searched for nearly 40,500 times per month. Check out some of our favorites and tuck them away in your entertainment arsenal for the perfect situation.

1. What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
2. What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
3. How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
4. What did one Frenchman say to the other? I don’t know, I don’t speak French.
5. Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
6. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
7. Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
8. I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
9. What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way back home? A pigeon.
10. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being robbed.
11. Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
12. How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
13. I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort.
14. How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing? Snip the rope.
15. What did the man say when he lost his truck? Where’s my truck?

16. Why did Jordan stay home from the party? He wasn’t invited…
17. What did one woman say to the other woman next to the coffee machine? Coffee looks good.
18. Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my house? It’s haunted.
19. Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone? She tripped over a pothole.
20. What makes you laugh harder than your own child? A whoopie cushion.
21. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
22. Why did Katie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money.
23. What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.
25. What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
26. Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you? Because I can’t, my headphones are on.
27. Why did the monkey and pancake batter have in common? They both love bananas.
28. I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
29. Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
30. What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drinking alcohol.

31. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
32. Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
33. A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, “I know. I amputated your arms.”
34. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company is a success.
35. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
36. Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Dang, it’s hot in here.” The other replies, “Yeah, probably like 350 degrees.”
37. How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.
38. Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.
39. You know what they say? Words.
40. What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? Does my breath smell like garbage?
41. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
42. Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they lifted up the other one they’d fall over.
43. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
44. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

45. What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
46. Do you want to know my secret to sanity? Red wine.
47. What did he give her on Valentine’s Day? Something red and lots of lies.
48. Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at? He was talking.
49. Knock knock. Come in!
50. I talk to myself because sometimes I just need advice.
51. What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Nothing. Rice can’t talk.
52. How tall is the Empire State Building? One Empire State Building tall.
53. Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? They’re so good at it.
54. Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
55. You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
56. Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
57. Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
58. Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

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59. Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
60. Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
61. Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
62. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? T-Rexxie, babe, I’m coming in for a hug.
63. What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
64. A guy walks into a bar… Then he gets a drink and leaves.
65. What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Probably still Santa Claus. However, he doesn’t exist so it doesn’t really matter.
66. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
67. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
68. What’s best about living in Switzerland? Nothing, except that the flag is a plus.
69. Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is? Because there are more geese in that line.
70. Why did the therapist wipe away the T-Rex’s tears? He couldn’t reach his own face.
71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.
72. What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo.
73. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too.
74. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

75. What do you call a fish with no eyes? It doesn’t even matter.
76. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.
77. What’s the difference between a rabbit and a grape? They’re both purple, except the rabbit isn’t.
78. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
79. Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.
80. A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they recognize the potential danger in the situation.
81. Learn sign language. It’s very handy.
82. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
83. What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
84. What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
85. Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers aren’t sentient and are incapable of feeling fear.
86. I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’s way too cheesy.
87. What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
88. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
89. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
90. What’s green, red, orange, purple, blue, and yellow? Colors.

91. How long does it take you to count to 100? I don’t care.
92. What did the five fingers say to the face? Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
93. I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
94. Mary had a little lamb… The doctor fainted.
95.  Knock, knock.
96. Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
97. Take your age and add 5 to it. That’s your age in 5 years.
98. Roses are dead.
Violets are dead.
I am a bad gardener.
99. Why can’t dinosaurs laugh? Because they’re all dead.
100. Take your age and add 5 years to it. Then you get your age in 5 years.
101. When did the astronaut who floated away from the spaceship come back? Never. He floats forever.
102. What does a dad joke sound like in space? As cringe as it sounds on earth.
103. What did the mosquito say to the other mosquito? This vein’s mine.
104. When is a dad officially a dad? When his jokes no longer get laughs.
105. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens had not evolved yet.
106. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Dinosaurs.

107. Want to hear something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles.
108. What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils?  Broken.
109. What do you get when you mix a goat and a sheep? A geep.
110. What do you call a talking turtle?
Fictional.
111. What ended after 1987? 1988.
112. What does one French Guy say to another French Guy?
My name is also Guy.